Page 10 | Physically attacked my DD16

Awfulmother1 · 2024-09-01T08:25:31+00:00

Nc, feel disgusted and hate myself. I seriously physically attacked my DD16 yesterday causing her ear to bleed where she had earrings in. I'm vile, not fit to be called a mother and should have never had children. I'm ruining their lives. I'm a piece of shit.

MsNeis · 01/09/2024 11:10

This is not about being awful (a truly awful person doesn't have self awareness to consider themself awful), but as one pp said, this is a messed up and dysfuntional family dynamic. You're not awful, but you did something awful: but you have the agency to change your behaviour.
I agree with a pp that said this is not about you, but it's about your daughter: you must prioritise reparation with her and the rest of your children. You'll have to accept them "hating" you and so on.
Then you have to take care of yourself and put systems in place that help you regulate emotionally (counselling being one of them).
Your husband must have your back, otherwise he is not acting like a responsible adult. He must protect your children, but not at the expense of helping to create dysfunction and then acting as if he was a bewildered child.
You are breaking the cycle of abuse: that's one of the hardest things one can do in life. Be intentional, you can do it.

Springadorable · 01/09/2024 11:10

I would be divorcing you and getting a restraining order if you wouldn't move out willingly.

Choochoo21 · 01/09/2024 11:10

Only on MN can a woman admit to physically attacking their child, almost have the police called on them, refuses to leave and if she does only want to take the son - and yet posters will fall over themselves trying to make it the man’s fault.

When it comes to children there is no difference to a man or a woman attacking them and the responses should be the same.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 01/09/2024 11:10

Choochoo21 · 01/09/2024 11:05

How is it the husbands fault?!

He’s the only decent parent they have.

I am human too but that doesn’t mean I attack my child for not cleaning their room.

Are you saying it’s ok for a man to attack his wife if she’s not cleaning up properly and he gets to the end of his tether?
As you say he’s only human so does that give him a free pass?

I guess you would blame my mother for my dad being a violent bully to us growing up.

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No, as the OP said, the husband is the fun parent. That is not parenting. He does not support the OP so the kids have turned against her.

HelenWheels · 01/09/2024 11:10

stop wallowing about being pushed out op.
it does not help.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 01/09/2024 11:11

MumblesParty · 01/09/2024 11:08

@FoxtrotOscarKindaDay how is the husband abusive?

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Financial control, refused to give up hobbies and made OP quit working. Tells her and let's her daughters tell her everyone hates her.

He doesn't have to hit her to be abusive.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 01/09/2024 11:11

Lavender14 · 01/09/2024 10:57

So op you have a dh issue. His refusal to properly coparent with you is creating the tensions in your home which you're not coping with and he's not willing to change anything to help and support you the way he should. It's not acceptable for him to be the fun parent all the time.

I think you are right to do family counselling but op I'd also start trying to think about how to get your ducks in line because if he's not willing to change then its possible that this won't get any better and actually things might be easier for you without him. I'm glad you arranged counselling and apologised.

I do think you need to adjust your expectations slightly to be honest. At 16 it's very hard to get a part time job with no experience. Most young people get help from their family to find one and she will probably need help from you and dh to get one. She will be moody and difficult and try to avoid doing things. Its your job to walk away when things get too much.

I personally agree with others that actually moving out for a bit might be the best option. Firstly because you clearly need rest and space and the opportunity to refill your cup which you're unlikely to get at home, secondly so your dh can see that it's not all fun and games when you aren't there to do the dirty work and thirdly so everyone can have a chance to think about what needs to be different. Your dd needs to be safeguarded here. I grew up in a home where my mum lost her temper and hurt me, this isn't on your dd this is on you and its right that there should be consequences to your actions even though I understand why you've got to this point.

You and dh need to agree a strategy for discipline and it has to be consistent for both of you. Eg dd ruins new carpet. She now gets no pocket money/new items until carpet is replaced. She talks back 3 times and she loses her phone for a day. Your dh has to step up.

I think this is the most sensible post on here. No one is under estimating the seriousness of the situation but I believe the DH not being supportive of the OP's history of mental health issues.
I also agree with @WorldLeaderPretend's post about coping with teenagers' behaviour

Motnight · 01/09/2024 11:11

TransformerZ · 01/09/2024 10:10

@Howdull
Can't believe your post was deleted.
Kid gloves like this is why kids punch their own mothers in the stomach.

The daughter punched her mother in the stomach AFTER she was physically attacked by her.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 01/09/2024 11:11

outdamnedspots · 01/09/2024 11:04

@whathaveiforgotten - a man and a woman being violent is different. Men are much stronger and more liable to do damage.

I'm not trying to minimise what the op has done, but it's not helpful comparing her to a man.

OP did do damage. In her own words, she "jumped up and attacked" her daughter and had to be pulled off her by her husband and other children.

Her sixteen year old was left injured and bleeding.

harlacem0507 · 01/09/2024 11:11

Typical mumsnetters saying how disgusting, vile you are, granted I know you said that about yourself but they love to make people feel worse at any given opportunity. I don't condone what you have done but I can see exactly how it escalated. First off she threw the remote at you, clearly has no respect for you or anything as u pointed out and u lost it with her, and I don't think you should punish yourself too much because you know you did wrong but these lot will have u trying to top yourself by the end of the day. You need to breathe, apologize, apologize to the other children and DH and maybe get some counselling together but I certainly wouldn't move out.

Simonjt · 01/09/2024 11:12

IMustDoMoreExercise · 01/09/2024 11:10

No, as the OP said, the husband is the fun parent. That is not parenting. He does not support the OP so the kids have turned against her.

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Why should he support assault? Her choosing to assault her child and making the other two victims of domestic violence is entirely her doing and no one elses.

If your childs other parent was violent would you be on their side as well?

username44416 · 01/09/2024 11:12

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 01/09/2024 11:11

Financial control, refused to give up hobbies and made OP quit working. Tells her and let's her daughters tell her everyone hates her.

He doesn't have to hit her to be abusive.

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Are you reading a different thread?

Franjipanl8r · 01/09/2024 11:12

Staying with a relative for a few weeks could give you all the space and thought you all deserve. Your DH isn’t supporting you, you need to parent as a team. If you’re losing your shit, that’s when you need to tag out and let your DH continue with the parenting in that moment.

MumblesParty · 01/09/2024 11:12

Choochoo21 · 01/09/2024 11:10

Only on MN can a woman admit to physically attacking their child, almost have the police called on them, refuses to leave and if she does only want to take the son - and yet posters will fall over themselves trying to make it the man’s fault.

When it comes to children there is no difference to a man or a woman attacking them and the responses should be the same.

It’s unbelievable isn’t it.
If OP was a man, MN would have called for him to be locked up for ever and never allowed to see his kids again.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 01/09/2024 11:12

RoachFish · 01/09/2024 11:07

Well I would be too if the other parent is mentally ill and abusive. I would do anything to make their lives as light and fun as possible. That’s also being a parent. It doesn't have to be all discipline and chores.

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No, but a 16 year old should clean her room when asked and not be so careless with things.

I bet the husband never asks her to clean her room or even backs the OP up when she does.

Motnight · 01/09/2024 11:13

pinkroses79 · 01/09/2024 11:09

Sounds like you all need counselling as a family to have any chance of moving forward. You also need to step back from the way you've been viewing your daughter. My son is 16 and has been trying all summer to find a job but there is nothing suitable (suitable hours, suitable for 16 year old, close enough for him to get to on his own). We live in a city, not a tiny place. He also had no idea how to look for a job, how to make a CV, where you might find a job, or anything.

Teenagers have kind of foggy brains, they forget things and can be badly organised because of the rapid way their brains are changing. So things like forgetting to turn off the curling tongs is probably a genuine mistake. In fact, I also did this in my 40s and have a mark on the carpet. Counselling together might help you understand each other and help you adjust your behaviour and reaction so that your relationship can improve.

Does family counselling happen if there is a history of physical abuse?

Honestlyy · 01/09/2024 11:13

It's not crazy to assume the husband is abusive too.They clearly have a dysfunctional relationship, and since OP was abused in her childhood, it's more likely that she would go for what's familiar. It sounds like he's been entirely unsupportive of OP and her severe mental health issues, and is only interested in being the fun parent- the good guy at the expense of the OP. Good spouses support one another and back each other up.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 01/09/2024 11:14

harlacem0507 · 01/09/2024 11:11

Typical mumsnetters saying how disgusting, vile you are, granted I know you said that about yourself but they love to make people feel worse at any given opportunity. I don't condone what you have done but I can see exactly how it escalated. First off she threw the remote at you, clearly has no respect for you or anything as u pointed out and u lost it with her, and I don't think you should punish yourself too much because you know you did wrong but these lot will have u trying to top yourself by the end of the day. You need to breathe, apologize, apologize to the other children and DH and maybe get some counselling together but I certainly wouldn't move out.

OP threw the remote first

In her own words, she did it as a "warning" before she "saw red, jumped up and attacked her".

So yeah, she is pretty vile imo.

Pantaloons99 · 01/09/2024 11:14

OP I actually think you'd benefit hugely from counselling for yourself alone.

There's so much going on here. You need a space for yourself to deal with it all.

There are moments I've really come so close to physically attacking my son. It's a mix of my own childhood and also incredibly significant environmental factors - child being ND for example.

Just try get some space from them all if you can. Even just one night in a hotel or something and get online and arrange a session with an older female counsellor. I don't believe they'd judge you but would help you figure out what's going on here. The situation is triggering you on every level.

If you thought it was normal and didn't care - you wouldn't be on here

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 01/09/2024 11:14

username44416 · 01/09/2024 11:12

Are you reading a different thread?

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No, go read OPs posts.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 01/09/2024 11:14

username44416 · 01/09/2024 11:08

We haven't heard the husband's side. Just an abusive parent making a string of excuses for attacking their child. Her husband is probably trying to compensate for the abuse. He should obviously leave but perhaps doesn't think he'll get custody and doesn't want to leave them with her.

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The OP is not an abusive parent. She feels awful about what she did, which was one incident.

If she was abusive, she wouldn't come on here saying how awful she feels would she?

MsNeis · 01/09/2024 11:15

Choochoo21 · 01/09/2024 11:10

Only on MN can a woman admit to physically attacking their child, almost have the police called on them, refuses to leave and if she does only want to take the son - and yet posters will fall over themselves trying to make it the man’s fault.

When it comes to children there is no difference to a man or a woman attacking them and the responses should be the same.

I get why you say this, but you're wrong: there are differences in the abuse experienced from a mother and from a father. Not hyerarchical differences (which I guess is what you ultimately mean: they're both "equally" morally wrong), but significant differences nonetheless. So the strategies to avoid/prevent/repair the abuse are different too and look different.

username44416 · 01/09/2024 11:15

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 01/09/2024 11:14

No, go read OPs posts.

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I've read all the posts. They don't relate to what you said.

Upcyled · 01/09/2024 11:15

Your shouldn't have attacked her but we all have a breaking point.
Your daughter was also wrong for punching you.
We don't know the whole story and neither should we but it sounds like your husband isn't very supportive towards you.
We all make mistakes, give yourself some slack and take a breath before deciding on the next steps.

TheClawDecides · 01/09/2024 11:15

IMustDoMoreExercise · 01/09/2024 11:06

Yes I did and it is the husband's fault.

As the OP said, he is the fun parent. That is not parenting.

The poor OP is left being bad cop on her own so of course the kids hate her.

And it has nothing to do with him having a penis. They could be in a same-sex relationship and I would say the same.

Edited

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You're typing straight out of an abusers handbook.

"It's your fault I attacked you"

"If only you behaved differently, it wouldn't have happened"

"I lashed out because you won't behave like I expect you to"

Shameful.