Physically attacked my DD16

[Awfulmother1]

Nc, feel disgusted and hate myself. I seriously physically attacked my DD16 yesterday causing her ear to bleed where she had earrings in. I'm vile, not fit to be called a mother and should have never had children. I'm ruining their lives. I'm a piece of shit.

speak to your mental health team for advice

Errrm what?!

Check your prejudice here, there is no evidence whatsoever that the husband is abusive and every evidence that the OP has problems.

Right - because none of us saw exactly how this played out - we cannot say much.

The dynamic sounds really toxic and I'm honestly not going to put all of this on you OP. I can see quite clearly how this situation comes about. Your actions are not ok BUT there are things here making this a very difficult situation for you and you have absolutely lost it.

I find it weird that a 16 year old is punching you in the stomach. The whole dynamic is messed up.

I don't know why I say this - but I have a sense that it is not right for you to take responsibility for everyone in this family. You take responsibility for your very inappropriate actions. Throwing a remote - jeez, I get it! You sound like you're in a pressure cooker. Your child doesn't deserve to be physically abused. But I can hear that she's potentially a rude little shit who has the other adult on side. That's not a nice place to be in for you.

I agree with family therapy. I think you need to be careful that because you have crossed a huge line you are not therefore apologising for every single thing wrong in the family.

Did you rip her earring out? You talk about how she was punching you in the stomach while you were attacking her. What did you want her to do? Stand still and take it?

I'm sorry but regardless of your updates, you attacked a 16 year old child. You warned her by throwing something at her. Warned her about what?
I'd put money on the fact that this is not the first time you've thrown something at her or been physical with her. Are you physical with your other children? You do realise they will be scared of you now?

I think you should leave the family home for a few days to let everyone calm down and then sit down properly with your DD and then your DH and work out what happens next. Counseling should be imperative at the very least.

The husband seems to be a man-child, yes.

DH is father to all three children. I couldn't leave DS12 as it would break my heart and his. We are very close.

This was the only time I have ever physically attacked anyone. I was sexually and physically abused as a child and had nobody to turn too. I hate what I have done.

So op you have a dh issue. His refusal to properly coparent with you is creating the tensions in your home which you're not coping with and he's not willing to change anything to help and support you the way he should. It's not acceptable for him to be the fun parent all the time.

I think you are right to do family counselling but op I'd also start trying to think about how to get your ducks in line because if he's not willing to change then its possible that this won't get any better and actually things might be easier for you without him. I'm glad you arranged counselling and apologised.

I do think you need to adjust your expectations slightly to be honest. At 16 it's very hard to get a part time job with no experience. Most young people get help from their family to find one and she will probably need help from you and dh to get one. She will be moody and difficult and try to avoid doing things. Its your job to walk away when things get too much.

I personally agree with others that actually moving out for a bit might be the best option. Firstly because you clearly need rest and space and the opportunity to refill your cup which you're unlikely to get at home, secondly so your dh can see that it's not all fun and games when you aren't there to do the dirty work and thirdly so everyone can have a chance to think about what needs to be different. Your dd needs to be safeguarded here. I grew up in a home where my mum lost her temper and hurt me, this isn't on your dd this is on you and its right that there should be consequences to your actions even though I understand why you've got to this point.

You and dh need to agree a strategy for discipline and it has to be consistent for both of you. Eg dd ruins new carpet. She now gets no pocket money/new items until carpet is replaced. She talks back 3 times and she loses her phone for a day. Your dh has to step up.

How do you know she's not abusive?

Her HUSBAND is the abusive one? That's batshit even for MN 😳

OP, your breakdown, your PTSD and your GAD must be awful for you.

However, for children growing up with parents who have mental health issues, it can be confusing and very upsetting and very possibly why she and now the 14 year old are acting out.

It's not YOUR fault but nor is it THEIRS.

Perhaps a little more understanding from you, rather than the extreme self-pity in your opening post?

Lots of abusive parents claim to feel "remorse" afterwards, especially if they're caught or go a bit "further" than they normally do. It's also common for them to feel "remorse" when they're actually worried about getting into trouble with the authorities.

get some help op
social workers wont do a thing ime

This will not resolve e itself by making excuses (as many have done) for the incident. As frightening as it is you're best reporting yourself to social services to get support to improve dynamics and be able to stay together as a family AND be happy.

You don't know that she won't lash out again next time one of her children is challenging. Actually now it's happened, it's more likely to happen again.

I do think she should at least stay somewhere else for a while and if the police or social services were called this is likely the advice they'd give.

@Awfulmother1 I think you really need to consider moving out in the short term at least.

I also think your husband needs to support you more whilst also safeguarding the children because you are a risk to them at the moment.

I think you need to consider the impact your MH difficulties may have had on your children because it can have a significant impact on their wellbeing, even if it's managed well.
That's not said to be blaming or shaming in any way, it's just the reality of the situation.

It can be very frightening and destabilizing for kids when a parent is unwell and brings its own trauma to them.

You need to step back, stop with the self pity and think about acting in the best interests of everyone. You are important and you deserve to be ok but not at the expense of your children.

6 weeks without school and being a sahm is probably a factor here. Can you get the 16yo a place at a boarding school or get her to stay with a relative while you get some counselling? Alternatively can you separate from your husband?

@NewtonsCradle op has said she has no money.
where is this free boarding school?

OP why do you think you are really close to your youngest but not your eldest. What went wrong?

You were also attacked by your daughter. You don’t have any support and you sound a bit broken. Are you having a breakdown? Can you make an appointment with your GP and start to get help. The environment you are in either has to change for everyone’s safety or you have to change it by moving out. This was a symptom so you need to deal with the problem.

Abuse is about actions. Many parents, male and female, abuse people they love and feel awful about it, because they have emotional problems, mental health problems, or substance misuse problems, which get the better of them. They regret it hugely. But it is still abuse.

I know everyone gets slammed on here for suggesting it but is she ND.

My 13yo is and it sounds very similar, she doesn't think through consequences - so her brain just won't click that leaving curling irons on a carpet would burn it - she would be truly sorry she had done it but she cannot stop herself. Her carpet is trashed form makeup stains.

She also gets overwhelmed - so keeping reminding her to do stuff (even the same stuff) is counterproductive - it gets her more and more stressed and she just cannot handle it.
She will then lash out.

Also the job thing - she's probably scared and defensive my daughter had to choose gcse options and she didn't want me to bring it up as it made her anxious.

I have to approach parenting very differently with her.

OP, I was physically and emotionally abused by my mum. So I have vowed to be nothing like her. Surely you would feel the same? That you want to be nothing like you're abuser? You definitely need to seek counselling. And your daughter does, too, I believe. You need to make a promise to yourself and your daughter that you will never do anything like this again. Ever.

Also stop seeing yourself as the victim here. 'I'm an awful mother' etc. Your daughter is the victim. You're the one who needs to change and make up for what you've done here.

Hi OP.

I have been in this situation but from the other side.

So my ExH hurt our daughter after a row.

I called the police.

Their standard protocol, just to let you know, is to interview both "sides". They then "suggest" that one side leaves the house to give everyone time to calm down. The police do view stuff like this as a priority and we had a police team at our house within about an hour and a half.

I was also hiding upstairs with my daughter in her locked bedroom,

You should also be aware that you may have caused significant damage to your daughter's mental health. My daughter had a lot of trouble sleeping and kept having nightmares that her dad was trying to kill her. She was prescribed diazepam and duloxetine and diagnosed with depression, and adjustment disorder.

Given that you said that she is afraid to see you it seems likely that she is having similar issues to my daughter. If you are communication with your dh please encourage him to speak to her GP. I found ours incredibly supportive.

I understand that you have mental health issues. However as a parent you need to put your children first and not either attack them or cause other mental health issues.

It is very likely your daughter will not feel safe around you or with you on the house. In my situation, the police persuaded my ExH to leave overnight but he came home very early the next morning. Me and my kids left about two hours later (he didn't notice as was on a work call) and never went back.

My DD still has anxiety attacks at the thought of going back to what was our home and we are five years on. Oh yes, she has an anxiety diagnosis now.

Please put your daughter first. Your mental health problems are not her fault.

It is likely that if you do not leave and give her space she will need to. Don't do that to her.

He’s a boy.

Yep, 'all the penis owner's fault' 🙄

Did you type that with a straight face?

Seriously what is wrong with you ? Are you on drugs ???? This woman had lost her shit and is asking for advice because she's deeply disgusted by her behaviour assuming what op has said is real then it sounds like her child is also being abusive and op isn't handling it well and has of course lashed out in a very bad way but she needs support and therapy not vile ppl like you making a bad situation worse. Yes teenagers are like this but actually most don't tell their parents to shut up constantly and it sounds like the child is also crossing alot of lines. Now that doesn't mean op gets to behave like this not at all. What she has done is completely unacceptable as the adult but sounds like her husband is adding to the issue and not putting in boundaries for dd and so dd is letting loose and doing what ever she wants and op can't handle it.

@Awfulmother1 focus on correcting this issue rather then taking note of the vile comments you're getting. You must start by seeking help immediately with a family therapist not a counsellor but an actual therapist to get to the root of your issues. Please speak to your husband as he does need to support you also and you need to apologise to your daughter and reassure her this will never happen again but you won't leave it to chance you will get help because aside from this there are serious issues anyway. If you are committed to never ever doing this again you all can get to a better place, what ever that may look like moving forward. Good luck to you all. You need to remind your daughter that you know what you did was unacceptable and you're behaviour is not justified in any way and you're fully aware of this.