Physically attacked my DD16

[Awfulmother1]

Nc, feel disgusted and hate myself. I seriously physically attacked my DD16 yesterday causing her ear to bleed where she had earrings in. I'm vile, not fit to be called a mother and should have never had children. I'm ruining their lives. I'm a piece of shit.

"Your family needs teaching a lesson" is a chilling thing to say to someone who has admitted abusing her child. That's absolutely shameful of you.

I'm so sorry for this perfectly normal teenage girl, who is living in a foul atmosphere of emotional and now physical abuse. I hope her father can protect her.

Why don’t you move out for a while? Get some space, try to get your head straight.

You say you “couldn’t leave” your DS12. I assume you mean you couldn’t upset him by moving out? Or do you mean YOU would be upset to leave him? However, think of the damage to your DD by staying. One way or another one of your children will be hurt, but I think everyone will be calmer and safer (including you) if you take some space. It needn’t be forever. But you do need help to address why this happened and ensure it won’t happen again.

If a stranger in the street attacked your DD in such a manner would you contact the police? because I'm assuming most people would. It doesn't make it any less of an assault just because it was committed in her own home by her mother, in fact I'd say it makes it a lot worse.

That your daughter pushed your buttons means nothing, she is a child, you are an adult and should know better.

If you're that mentally unwell and won't or can't get inpatient support, then it sounds like you need to be away from your children for their own safety.

Hopefully this is a one of incident which you can all learn from. A very long time ago when I was a difficult teenager I knew exactly how to push my normally lovely gentle Mum to breaking point where she lost her temper which upset her and amused me. On one occasion I wound her up so much that she threw the cutlery she was drying at me with such force that some bits that hit the front door were bent! I managed to dodge most of the flying knives and forks though some did hit me. My Mother was beside herself with shame and grief and I had a complete lightbulb moment and realised what an awful thing I had done to goad her into doing this and that I was being abusive and emotionally destroying someone who only wanted the best for me. This was the turning point in our relationship. She is sadly dead now but our adult relationship was full of love and kindness. So try to use this to reset for both of you rather than leaving her and your other children which is likely to cause much more damage than a one off incident.

I disagree with posters demanding that you should leave the family home. You’ve already learned a lesson and won’t be lashing out again. But I do think your husband has to take on more responsibility for improving the family dynamic and setting some rules for the two teenage daughters.

I agree.

And it’s very telling of the OPs personality that she refuses to do so.

Her DH almost called the police, the other children had to intervene and the other child tells her everyone hates her.
She was the one who threw the remote at her child.

She sounds like a violent bully and they all seem to have to walk on egg shells around her.

They'll now gang up on you even more. And threaten you with reporting to ss.

This sounds awful. I have to say that her behaviour sounds like very typical teenage behaviour. Yes, it's not great, but it's pretty normal. You seem to be painting her as a bad person but things like leaving her curling irons on are just mistakes. Many teenagers don't want to help around the house, including mine.
You're only focusing on what she does wrong, not trying to understand why teenagers are like this- or seeing any good in her.
I hope counselling helps you because this is a very sad situation.

How do you know op wouldn't lash out again? You can't say that

You might have no choice but to move out if the right people find out op

Protecting your children from an abuser is ganging up on someone, its responsible parenting. Would you also happily submit your own children to domestic violence?

How do you know she won't be lashing out again?

You can guarantee that can you?

The OP is mentally ill. That puts strain on every single person in that house.

You have no idea what she might do if she reaches breaking point again.

This

You are a nasty piece of work, you’ve come on here for sympathy and when you’ve got none, you did a classic bit of DARVO with your husband. Your family is surviving you and I hope they all find the courage to leave you.

If OP does move out the husband will soon start to enforce stricter rules for the teenage girls once he can’t shove all the responsibility on to his wife.

I actually have nowhere to go or no money. I've I had I would go and leave them in peace.

Is your husband DD16s father?

Are your girls safe from him? The 14 yo starting to act like the 16 yo is a huge red flag.

Girls don't break their beds and mirrors without very good reason. Her behaviour towards you especially would concern me.

Contact Women's Aid. You need to get out. If the girls are safe and happy with him they should stay there. Take your son with you.

Your husband is abusive.

Again, would you write those exact words if it was her father who assaulted her and not her mother who did so?

There seems to be a lot of bullying on this thread and OP has fragile mental health. I don't think all the shaming and threats of "what the appropriate authorities will do" is helpful.

Everyone seems to have a very clear idea in their head of what OP and her home life are like, but the picture emerging suggests she is made to feel, at the very least, unwelcome in her own home.

OP you say you can't leave your DS. Are you worried for his welfare?

Apart from your initial “i am terrible” claims, everything you’ve said is justifying what you’ve done and blaming your daughter and husband when you violently attacked your daughter and made her bleed. It’s very telling that now your 14 year old is getting older you’re seeing her as more like your 16 year old who is clearly the scapegoat in your mind. I’m sure this is linked to your relationship with your own mother but it’s no excuse.
Have you considered that your husband treats your 16 year old differently because you are targeting and abusing her? I’m not letting him away with his behaviour either. Any sort of father would have called the police and had you removed from the property. You are an abuser.

She is clearly not a 'abusive mother'. An abusive parent doesn't give a shit about physically or emotionally harming their children more than as a once off, and certainly wouldn't feel remorse and want to get help.
This is a straw that broke the camels back, The daughter is clearly being more than a normal annoying teen - she is destroying things, being incredibly rude and not caring.
I'm not defending the op' actions, but seriously, I lived with an actual abusive mother and this is not one.

She's physically assaulted her child but it's her husband who's abusive?! Honestly I can understand the bad rep this site gets. The woman can never be in the wrong can she.

As a social work manager, I can tell you what would happen in this situation. School or whoever would report it to us. We would call a strategy meeting and decide along with police how to investigate it. Likely given it's a clear report of assault it would be a joint investigation with a police visit to the daughter and the mum. Police would decide whether to arrest mum and if so whether to put bail conditions in place. It would be pretty standard for the perpetrator to be arrested and have 28 days of conditions saying live elsewhere and no contact with the victim other than as approved by social services, which would give the social worker time to get in and assess the situation and consider what support was needed to be put in place. It also sets up an automatic cooling off period for everyone. Likely the conditions wouldn't be extended after 28 days but that depends on the outcome of the joint investigation. Family therapy would be recommended and hopefully put in place. So no, they wouldn't be permanently splitting up a family but they would absolutely respond to this as a serious assault.

Not to hit them - but to leave them - they can fend for themselves - she's not their slave to be abused.