Physically attacked my DD16

[Awfulmother1]

Nc, feel disgusted and hate myself. I seriously physically attacked my DD16 yesterday causing her ear to bleed where she had earrings in. I'm vile, not fit to be called a mother and should have never had children. I'm ruining their lives. I'm a piece of shit.

I find it strange about how many people are shocked at how fast services acted. We’re 8 months into 2024 and I am close to 4 people who have been sectioned this year alone. 2 presented at A and E, one had an ambulance called and one the police. In all cases they were kept in hospital and transferred to a MH unit within two days and allowed to keep their phones. I’m in the north east and 3/4 happened here. I don’t know if it’s different from anywhere else but that’s my experience.

being careless with property and telling her mother to shush? What else has she done that’s so bad?

Yes 2 days sounds about right, can be longer and can be less. Depending on the area, services can be worse.

That said, OP went to a private ??? A&E and had private health insurance. If you can pay, it’s going to be very quick.

Agreed!
Perhaps the DD has mental health problems too? It’s ok for everyone to be excusing the OP due to living in a toxic home (where the children also have lived their lives) but not a single allowance from
some posters for the 16 year olds MH?!

I've seen the complete opposite in the North East, including a schizophrenic neighbour, who was had a bad episode and was threatening to burn houses down as he thought they were watching him, and ripped up his floorboards due to thinking there were tunnels and his family were frantic, begging him to be sectioned, police called, ambulance called. Nope, he wasn't admitted as they had no beds.

M niece who suffered MH issues already had a breakdown after her mum died, the self harm was off the scale, having constant A&E visits for the injuries and repeated suicide attempts. Told no beds available, residential care out of the question and had a MH team who never turned up when they said they would, and rarely answered the phone.

My relative who works in community MH in Yorkshire and works closely with police and SS with severe MH cases struggles to find space for anyone who needs it, and often worries about certain people being left to their own devices.

Your particular trust is either excellent or the people you know must be very dangerous.

I know that's not what happened here...but i was challenging the theoretical idea that a teenager can never be abusive. I've heard on various news reports and on threads on here of teens who are violent towards their parents. Of course the parent should not retaliate ever. But they are not always mirroring their parents behaviour. Life is much more complicated than that and all situations will be different.

if your child is abusive to you they are most likely mirroring your own behaviour right back at you

No my child hasn't been abusive to me. I was giving a hypothetical example.

Plus a visit by police and social services conforming they won’t take any further action?

That’s not what I was referring to? Although social services didn’t get involved with any of them. As I said before. Stretched services

It’s rubbish they haven’t got involved with your neighbour and niece it’s awful. They absolutely should have and sounds like your neighbour needed long term care. I hope your niece is doing better.

The only danger those close to me posed to were themselves.

Crazy how different trusts have different standards and levels of care isn't it. You hear of stark differences even in GP services.

My niece is like a new girl bless her, doing so so well. College, part time job, boyfriend.
It was actually another relative who helped her a lot and helped us to help her, contacted the MH team about the lack of care which I think shocked them into providing the help they were meant to (and called in a favour from a former colleague) took a few years but she got there.

With my neighbour, he's apparently on new meds now as this happened about 18 months ago, everyone is still a little on edge as he's so unpredictable. We all got cameras front back and side and his poor wife and kids, I just feel for her whenever I see her. We've assured her that no one thinks bad of her and we know he's ill and not to feel embarrassed (as it was clear she was avoiding eye contact etc)

Honestly when my ex threatened to kill me and the police were called, later that day he threatened suicide and blamed his mental health for his actions. It's classic abuser, be violent, turn on the water works and blame everything and everyone else or deny you meant anything by it.

So yes, the attention went from me the abused wife to him the poor unwell husband and how he can get better. All the while the abuse he did to me gets forgotten.

I think it's really brave that you've gone and got help. I hope things improve for you.

The same reason a lot of women don't ring the police when their partner / husband hits them / the children.

Fear.

If Op only holds a bit of blame or no blame (in some people’s opinions) why does the daughter?

It’s very likely the dd also has mental health problems and doesn’t have support. The dd is living in the same abusive household the Op is. Ops attitude to her daughter isn’t a result of the dds behaviour. Dds behaviour is a result of the adults in that household.

So if the Op doesn’t hold blame or not much blame for her own behaviour, because she is a victim of abuse and had mental health problems, then the daughter isn’t to blame for her behaviour towards the mother. Because the daughter is also abused and has mental health problems.

Or is it only mothers with mental health problems that get a pass to be abusive?

The dd reacted to abusive behaviour that was aimed at her.

I don’t think anyone is saying the OP isn’t entirely to blame for attacking her daughter - it’s indefensible. What those supporting the OP are saying is that there appears to have been a pattern of psychological abuse from DD over a prolonged period of time, so given the struggle OP has with her mental health, it was inevitable that she would reach a breaking point. No-one is supporting her for physically attacking her DD, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a 16 year old to know that repeatedly triggering the OP was never going to end well.

DD has grown up in a clearly toxic environment. If OP is to be believed, DD has watched her own fathers’ psychological abuse of her mother and has never been corrected for mimicking it. Taken at face value of what the OP has said in her numerous posts, there is more than one victim here.

Why fear ? If anyone appears to be living in fear, it’s OP. Her DH is abusive and controlling, and has clearly taught his eldest daughter by example. It’s frankly baffling why people are choosing to ignore what’s down in black and white in all of OP’s posts in order to beat her over the head with something she already knows and admitted in her very first posts. She shouldn’t have attacked her DD. That doesn’t magically absolve everyone else of their part in pushing OP over the edge into that action.

I think many posters have suggested, rightly, that DD may have MH issues of her own. But the number of posters minimising of her own actions in this is concerning. She isn’t just ‘careless’ with belongings - read the OP’s posts, she’s damaged carpets and broken bedroom furniture. She also repeatedly tells OP ‘shhh, shhh’ and other phrases she knows are triggering for her mental health. The OP absolutely shouldn’t have attacked her physically, that much is certain. But it doesn’t absolve DD or anyone else in that toxic household for driving OP to the point where she lost control.

I'm surprised people are so dismissive of the fact the ops DD "shushes" her. It's so belittling and designed to mock her mother and shut her up.

In "all of OPs posts"??? There is literally one post where she claims he was being "low level abusive" (with no examples). Not one other post mentions her husband being abusive or controlling?

If a woman posted about her husband "physically attacking their DD" (OPs own words) then every single post would tell her to get out and get the kids away. Yet the woman admits she has attacked her daughter and needs help and some people STILL find a way to blame the man?

Bizarre.

But what is the psychological abuse from DD? Burning a carpet? I burnt our new carpet after 6 months with hair straighteners too. I also scraped our freshly plastered and painted wall with a suitcase. That doesn’t make me guilty of psychological abuse against my husband.

The grunting and moodiness is typical teenage behaviour. Perhaps the daughter could be more respectful to her mum but if her mum sees throwing objects at her as the norm, then it’s not surprising she’s not that respectful.

And it took quite a few post of people showing no sympathy. for any abuse to even be mentioned. What she stated was teenage behaviour, annoying teenage pushing boundaries behaviour that needs nipping in bud, but teenage behaviour nonetheless. When this was pointed out it then suddenly turned into a whole backstory of alleged abuse from the daughter, something you think you'd lead with if you'd been pushed to the edge, snapped and attacked your teen making her bleed.
Then it went from emailing for counselling, to borrowing money from son to go to A&E on a weekend, and in less than 8 hours be seen, triaged, have 2 psychiatrists assess her, decide to admit her, a social worker and the police all in to speak and take statements and then dismiss the case. All while she's coherent and capable enough to be updating a mumsnet thread when she's meant to be so mentally ill she has had all these emergency appointments and deemed needing to be sectioned.

🤔

She's trying to justify attacking her annoying teen and people on here are enabling her. Bet they all excuse the women who kill and torture their kids too but plead MH.

@Rosscameasdoody
Where is the husband or the DD abusive? The physical violence is all coming from the OP. The historical abuse is from OPs childhood family and at no point does she say she has ever been physically abused by her husband or daughters.

Shushing someone is a means to disengage and indicate your don't want to talk to them. It is never an excuse for violence and "triggers" to violence are just more excuses. Own your actions. If you are prone to physically lashing out when "triggered" by words you need to take yourself away from people. It is not down to other humans to tiptoe around you and your triggers so they don't have their earrings ripped out. It is especially not down to your non violent 16 year old who you don't like anyway. It's very hard to read this thread and the throwing the remote "as a warning" was pretty chilling to start with. I'm just glad the daughter was old enough and big enough to protect herself and find it very unlikely this is the first time this has happened.

I feel like if the daughter and husband are both acting badly to OP it's because the abusive father is pitting her and her daughter against each other. My ex used to try and do this between me and my son, to have an ally against me. It's the worst thing an abusive partner can do. So glad I got us out of that situation when he was still young

He still does it now my son is a teenager, if we ever fall out. Tries to make it worse, encourages him to do whatever he wants

What was telling for me is when she mentioned her husband had taken the daughters out and that “he has form for this”. Yet all he was doing was taking his daughters out after his mum attacked one of them, but in OP’s eyes, that’s a sign of his alleged abusive behaviour towards her.