Physically attacked my DD16

[Awfulmother1]

Nc, feel disgusted and hate myself. I seriously physically attacked my DD16 yesterday causing her ear to bleed where she had earrings in. I'm vile, not fit to be called a mother and should have never had children. I'm ruining their lives. I'm a piece of shit.

She has her share of the blame, yes as does the husband if it's true he's denied her access to health care and has poisoned the daughters against her. It's not the older girl's fault if she's been manipulated to be horrible to her mother from an early age and I do hope the OP realises this. What has the OP done to improve her bond with her? It seems like she favours her youngest. If she clearly loves her youngest but has a really difficult relationship with her older kids then they are going to be really jealous even if they don't recognise it.

Why? It’s a valid question.

So your professional opinion would be to agree with the adult? Yep the child deserves to be assaulted, don't need to speak to them to ascertain frequency/level of abuse?
'Your mum says you deserve it and she only did it once, your mums the true victim'?
Fuck, I've always read the 'social work are shit' with a pinch of salt, and here you are proving it.

I think it’s incredibly naive to suggest that 16 year olds are innocent children who can’t be accountable in a situation like this.

My brother at 16 was habitually smashing my mother’s house up. He was verbally abusive and physically dangerous. Everything she bought him he destroyed, she’d replace it and it would happen again. Bedroom furniture, walls, doors, chairs. Anything. She was absolutely petrified of him. He tried to throw my sister down the stairs at one point for intervening.

Yes, there were underlying issues. But that is no excuse for that behaviour, and at 16 you’re old enough and wise enough (unless there’s some sort of cognitive need there) to know you’re in the wrong.

At no point with my brother did we all think “well he’s a child legally so nevermind the adults and how they’re coping with it.” He was out of line, he was told he was out of line.

I don’t think the OP is innocent here, she’s reached the end of her tether and lashed out.

But there’s more than one victim, and at 16 some of the behaviours the OP mentions from her daughter are absolutely unacceptable and she’s old enough to know better.

The OP was quite clear upthread that she has accessed help for herself and the family. And a single episode where OP has allowed herself to be goaded into physical assault, although there’s absolutely no justification for that, is not the same as ongoing physical abuse, which l’m so sorry you went through. And I’m not sure her DD is being ‘sidelined’ - sounds as though she has plenty of support from ‘fun dad’. It sounds to me as though the OP is the one who’s been sidelined, for years, and unable to access mental health treatment when she has needed it because of the total disengagement from her own family.

And yet MN is aghast that the end result could possibly be the OP reaching breaking point and acting out of character, and incredulous at the suggestion that a thoroughly unpleasant sounding sixteen year old is old enough to know that persistent psychological abuse of someone with serious mental health issues isn’t gong to end well. Seems to me that ‘fun dad’ has a lot to answer for.

You're starting to post like a weird BOT now and you've told 3 different posters, 'Oh do shut up'.

If you're fed up of reading/engaging with the thread, the back button is available for pressing.

That must be a huge relief and hopefully you’ll now get the rest and treatment you need to start to feel better. You’ve clearly had to hold it together for so long. You’ve achieved so much today. I hope you can relax this evening. You’re in safe hands now.

Did the police, any of the hospital staff or the social worker ask to see your DD and her injuries, OP?

Have any of them even spoken to her?

No my professional opinion is that services are over stretched and if they can avoid a case they will for severe cases which are desperate for social care involvement. This isn’t deemed a severe case.

Well jumping up, attacking your child and leaving them bleeding, really should be deemed a severe case.

Way to show the victim they're not important.

Also at what point did I say she deserved it?! Or that it was okay?! I stated a fact. If you read my past comments you will see I said it was wrong to do.

I stated facts which are unfortunate but the sign of the times and poorly funded public sectors within the government.

I'm glad you are receiving help @Awfulmother1and I hope things improve for you. I do hope your DD also receives help. It really isn't fair to say that she provoked you into assaulting her. That was your decision, no matter what your DD said or did.

You mentioned not bonding with your DD as a baby. I would imagine that the strained relationship you have with her ultimately stems from this. It's a shame that this lack of bond wasn't addressed many years ago. I hope that doesn't sound like an accusation, it certainly isn't meant to. But a baby's attachment to her parents is so crucial for healthy development.

Your household seems very dysfunctional all around, but I would make strengthening your relationships with your daughters one of your top priorities. It seems your bond with your son is already strong. And I don't think your marriage has much of a future TBH. But your DDs really need some support, and I think that you all need help working on fostering a healthy relationship. The dynamics as you describe them are toxic. They don't have to stay that way, but you need to be the one driving any change.

It’s absolutely shit. But working within the front door recently shows how severe abuse can get. Babies being sexually assaulted. Kids been beaten to disfigurement. It’s absolutely vile. There’s not enough social workers or public funds to take on cases that’s a one off incident. It’s a fact I didn’t create this problem - just have to work within it.

Don't blame yourself, everyone of us has a breaking point.

Your DH is an abusive bully not only to you, but also to your daughters, for setting them up against you, their own mother.
Frankly it's a headfuck all-round and it's disgraceful behaviour.

I hope you get good care and guidance to help you💐

So in a space of half a day, you’ve been admitted as an inpatient by making a claim on your private insurance (and been allowed to keep your phone on your first day, and despite having no money as your husband takes it all), been spoken to by the police and social service all of whom, without even speaking to your daughter, have decided no further action. Think we should all move to Ireland seeing how efficient their health and social care system is.

You’d get that in the UK? Why do you think they wouldn’t take your phone off you… they’ll keep the charger to stop you hanging yourself with it.

Would take your phone off you

Generally speaking, phones are taken away or use is very limited. Not sure why. Assume so that focus can be on recovery rather than getting in touch with anyone who makes you feel worse, social media, etc. Hence why I’m really very surprised they let OP sit and post on Mumsnet on her first night there.

the family will likely be offered early help ( or the Irish equivalent) ….don’t need a social worker for that

.

None of us have DH or DDs side of the story. "Leave him/them, they're abusive/toxic" isn't helpful at all. Quite destructive in fact.

I’m surprised they let someone who’s been admitted because of MH reasons keep their phone tbh and have access to social media.

Baffling and, if true, seems like really risky and inappropriate actions from the MH service.

What an odd thread, the OP attacks her daughter and by the end of the thread has now been admitted to a psychiatric ward (because she also suffers from ptsd and anxiety) but also has a selfish controlling husband who coincidentally stands up for his daughter who the OP attacked.

So now her actions are justified and can be forgotten about. The police and social services did nothing too.

I know @xxSideshowAuntSallyxx I've never come across a thread where posters are so happy to blame and demonise a child for being assaulted with the cries of 'aha!!! She's 16!! She KNOWS what she's done to her poor mother! She's to blame!!' And on other threads posters insist you're cognitively a child till you're over 25.