Page 26 | Physically attacked my DD16

Awfulmother1 · 2024-09-01T08:25:31+00:00

Nc, feel disgusted and hate myself. I seriously physically attacked my DD16 yesterday causing her ear to bleed where she had earrings in. I'm vile, not fit to be called a mother and should have never had children. I'm ruining their lives. I'm a piece of shit.

CatamaranViper · 01/09/2024 16:50

jannier · 01/09/2024 16:45

? What does that mean

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Rosscameasdoody · 01/09/2024 16:53

BreadInCaptivity · 01/09/2024 16:34

Ok there is quite a lot to unpick here and I feel some of the responses aren't looking at this situation holistically.

Assaulting your child, wherever their age or provocation is not acceptable. It's a criminal act and one the OP needs to take responsibility for.

The positive here is that the OP accepts she is in the wrong. She is remorseful. Has apologised and is seeking counselling.

Like many others I do think some time away from the family home would be beneficial to give everyone a chance to reflect not only on the event but the wider dynamic within the family.

However the other serious considerations here are the OP's ongoing MH concerns and the lack of support from her husband.

She is the person who hit her child, but simultaneously her DH has spent years undermining her and pitching himself against his wife.

Being the "fun parent" really means not parenting at all but he's worse than that in actively enabling his daughter's poor behaviour.

He is not without blame here (under said) and it's perfectly reasonable to hold this view whilst simultaneously being clear that the OP's behaviour was appalling.

I'm also somewhat surprised by people suggesting the daughter's behaviour is normal for a teenager.

I'm not so concerned about a messy room or an accident with a burnt carpet but it's beyond that isn't it. Broken beds and mirrors, causing a major leak and the constant "shhh" and lack of respect for her mother is awful and no, I would not accept or tolerate this.

Yet the OP has to become her DH provides no backup whatsoever and seeks to alienate her within the family.

I don't condone the OP's actions but I do feel sympathy for her.

It's also why I think she needs to leave the home not just for her daughter but for herself.

Her husband needs to understand that he needs to parent and live with the consequences of his actions. I wonder how long he'll stay being Mr Fun if the OP is not there to provide any boundaries whatsoever.

The whole family situation is toxic and both parents are at fault, the OP for remaining in this situation but the DH certainly for creating it.

The children (and daughter especially) will be traumatised by what has happened but they will also be impacted by the longer term dynamic of seeing their fathers ongoing poor treatment of their mother and normalising this - and I don't underestimate the negative consequences of either of these abuses in their development.

👏👏👏. Great post. Spot on.

BreadInCaptivity · 01/09/2024 16:56

OP I see from your updates you have gone to A&E.

I think this is a good thing and I hope you will get the support you desperately need.

As per my previous post I don't condone what you did but I feel very sympathetic towards you.

I hope one outcome of this awfulness is that you can see how the current situation with your DH is not healthy or sustainable for you or your children.

They will be just as damaged by bearing witness to the daily normalisation of your husbands belittling and abusive treatment towards you as by your one off but very serious actions.

It will impact their relationship choices in the future and what they expect and how to behave as parents themselves in turn.

Big changes are needed here.

You need to work on your mental health and in getting support to leave your marriage.

Your husband needs to take responsibility for his part in creating such a toxic family environment.

In this context what has happened needs to be a catalyst for a significant reset of the family dynamic in prioritising the needs of all 3 children - which to be successful cannot solely rely on you alone taking responsibility and action. It will take serious reflection and changes from both parents - something I doubt your DH has the self awareness to realise.

Rosscameasdoody · 01/09/2024 17:26

RadioWhatsNew · 01/09/2024 14:58

It's all about you and your DS.

You sound incredibly like my mother. She also attacked me at 17. My sister and I spent our entire childhood in the shadow of our brother who was the youngest and the golden child.

I listend for years to the stories of how I was an awful baby who cried non-stop and was unlovable and how my sister gave her PND. We were always told how we were awful children, didn't behave or rubbed her up the wrong way.

She often slapped us or dragged us by the hair when we didn't immediately do as she told us, she frequently lost her temper and would scream at us over small insignificant things. Of course she had a mask of perfection in front of friends, teachers and strangers.

At 17 I came home to find her painting our bedroom. When I asked her why she was painting our room in a colour we hadn't asked for and without speaking to us, she flipped and slapped me hard across the face before punching me in the face and laying into me, for the first time in my life I hit her back and you can bet she stopped and didn't hit me again.

But she did tell everyone I hit her first, that I was out of control and an awful teenager. You can bet that I sported my black eye and didn't make any attempt to cover it up and I told anyone who asked what happened. I was a high achieving student, I was never in trouble, I followed the rules. Did I keep my bedroom clean all the time? No but most teens don't, did I do everything right away when asked? No but most teenagers don't either. Did I deserve what my mother did no? My sister acted out, sought out love and affection with the wrong people to compensate for our homelife and she moved out at 16, at which point her whole life changed for the better.

My brother is still the golden boy, I have an almost non-existent relationship with my mother either does my sister (who also suffered violence). I can feel your contempt for your daughters just as I could feel my mothers for us. It's no wonder your daughters don't respect you.

You have time to change and mend bridges but to do that you need to stop being all about you and your precious DS. However I suspect you won't and you'll end up with no relationship with your daughters become adults.

I’m sorry for your experiences but how on earth do you think projecting your own experiences onto the OP is helpful or in any way comparable to what she has described here ? She’s not in any way trying to cover up or sidestep what she’s done, but this is not a case of an habitually abusive mother. It’s a situation in which everyone has played a part in the toxic environment that’s been created here until the mental abuse and lack of support has finally caused OP to break.

Rosscameasdoody · 01/09/2024 17:35

SwiftiesVSLestat · 01/09/2024 15:11

So they are all responsible for abusing eachother.

Even the children. Who have been abused? Never had chance to learn a healthy way to deal with emotions and other people.

Expecting a teen to act in a certain way as to not make their parents mental issues worse, is unrealistic and leads to that child (usually) having all sorts of issues themselves.

Thats a huge amount of responsibility that most teens could not handle.

If the teen is responsible for making Their parents mental health worse (and therefore abusing them) then the adult is responsible for their own actions to. Which was a physical assault.

The child isn’t responsible for ten toxic household they are growing up in. The adults are.

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The child is old enough to realise that her mother has mental health issues, she’s 16. She’s also old enough to appreciate that her own behaviour and attitude to her mother likely contributes to those issues. In a less toxic environment the other parent would have pointed this out and supported their partner.

There are two parents here. One of whom has seemingly serious mental health issues. The other appears to be a useless piece of shit who stands by and allows his vulnerable wife to be abused by his eldest daughter. OP doesn’t bear all the responsibility - far from it. She’s vulnerable herself. Something that most posters are glossing over in their rush to lay the blame for everything that’s happening at OP’s door.

RadioWhatsNew · 01/09/2024 17:53

Rosscameasdoody · 01/09/2024 17:26

I’m sorry for your experiences but how on earth do you think projecting your own experiences onto the OP is helpful or in any way comparable to what she has described here ? She’s not in any way trying to cover up or sidestep what she’s done, but this is not a case of an habitually abusive mother. It’s a situation in which everyone has played a part in the toxic environment that’s been created here until the mental abuse and lack of support has finally caused OP to break.

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I think you're doing a lot of projection there yourself and making excuses for a child being abused because let's face it , that's what a 16 year old is. In bo way shape or form have any of those children "played a part" in a toxic environment nor are they responsible for causing the OP to break.

The double standards on this post are disgusting. If the OP were a man or if it was the daughter posting saying her mother had attacked her the responses would be very different

Coincidentally my mother also used to appear remorseful and had mental health crisis too and then everything was swept under the carpet as she was the victim, including taking herself off to hospital to seek help.

Those children live in a toxic home created by both parents, there is no getting away from that and there is no excusing that.

The contempt OP has for her daughters drips from her posts in comparison to how she talks about her DS, I don't think that it's coincidence that she has a poor relationship with both daughters.

I'd actually be very interested to hear both daughters sides and the DH side. I suspect their story of their life and perception of who has been abusive might be different from the OP with the truth somewhere in the middle.

TheHeadOfTheHouse · 01/09/2024 17:59

A&E will probably direct you to counselling were you self refer.

its highly unlikely that you will be going to a psychiatric ward, it’s only very extreme cases were people are admitted and you come across as very sane on here.

i think it sounds like you’re at the end of your tether and the whole family needs an overhaul.

Youmwarayoum · 01/09/2024 18:05

theresabluebirdinmyheart · 01/09/2024 15:31

Whilst I agree that if someone is in crisis the last thing to do is kick them when they are down; I think many people reading this who come from background of abusive parenting when we were children ourselves, it sounds a little too familiar.
My mother had mental health problems and really unpredictable explosive outbursts over trivial matters and took normal annoying teenage behaviour really personally and lost her shit in a very disproportionate way. Sometimes violently.
If she was to write a post after she had done this it would read a lot like OPs. Just saying. Two sides to every story.

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Mine too. Followed by the illness and breakdown after to get sympathy and attention so that the abusive behaviour is swiftly forgotten about. I do want to support OP but it all sounds so textbook.

Cheesandcrackers · 01/09/2024 18:14

Youmwarayoum · 01/09/2024 18:05

Mine too. Followed by the illness and breakdown after to get sympathy and attention so that the abusive behaviour is swiftly forgotten about. I do want to support OP but it all sounds so textbook.

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Going to A&E is a strange thing to do. Why not wait till Monday and see a GP. It's almost like the OP is trying to make out she is the victim and requires medical attention.

Rosscameasdoody · 01/09/2024 18:21

RadioWhatsNew · 01/09/2024 17:53

I think you're doing a lot of projection there yourself and making excuses for a child being abused because let's face it , that's what a 16 year old is. In bo way shape or form have any of those children "played a part" in a toxic environment nor are they responsible for causing the OP to break.

The double standards on this post are disgusting. If the OP were a man or if it was the daughter posting saying her mother had attacked her the responses would be very different

Coincidentally my mother also used to appear remorseful and had mental health crisis too and then everything was swept under the carpet as she was the victim, including taking herself off to hospital to seek help.

Those children live in a toxic home created by both parents, there is no getting away from that and there is no excusing that.

The contempt OP has for her daughters drips from her posts in comparison to how she talks about her DS, I don't think that it's coincidence that she has a poor relationship with both daughters.

I'd actually be very interested to hear both daughters sides and the DH side. I suspect their story of their life and perception of who has been abusive might be different from the OP with the truth somewhere in the middle.

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Not projecting anything. Not making excuses. Yes, 16 is a child. Yes, it was abuse. Not denying any of that. At all. But it was a response, and clearly indicated a breaking point. Judging by your hostile language your own experience has clearly coloured your response, and that’s understandable. But it still doesn’t mean that it’s in any way comparable to what OP has described.

Namechangepleas · 01/09/2024 18:38

Cheesandcrackers · 01/09/2024 18:14

Going to A&E is a strange thing to do. Why not wait till Monday and see a GP. It's almost like the OP is trying to make out she is the victim and requires medical attention.

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That's exactly what she's doing

PorridgeIsNotSlimmingTheWayIMakeIt · 01/09/2024 18:50

Awfulmother1 · 01/09/2024 14:06

I text my husband to come home as I was at the hospital. I'm texting my son until he gets home. Just gave my details to reception so waiting for triage to call me.

Take care OP. You've been through the mill. No one throwing rocks at you has walked in your shoes. Try to focus on the positive, such as being there for your DS and finding some space.

The darkest hour is before the dawn. Every day is bringing you closer to a time when you will be happy again. Maybe for the first time ever.

YOYOK · 01/09/2024 18:57

Rosscameasdoody · 01/09/2024 17:35

The child is old enough to realise that her mother has mental health issues, she’s 16. She’s also old enough to appreciate that her own behaviour and attitude to her mother likely contributes to those issues. In a less toxic environment the other parent would have pointed this out and supported their partner.

There are two parents here. One of whom has seemingly serious mental health issues. The other appears to be a useless piece of shit who stands by and allows his vulnerable wife to be abused by his eldest daughter. OP doesn’t bear all the responsibility - far from it. She’s vulnerable herself. Something that most posters are glossing over in their rush to lay the blame for everything that’s happening at OP’s door.

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It may just be the way you worded it but ”She’s also old enough to appreciate that her own behaviour and attitude to her mother likely contributes to those issues.” is not true and manipulative. Lots of adults reading here will have been a child of a parent with mental health issues and lived in an toxic environment, so suggesting a child’s behaviour likely contributes to a mental illness is harmful.

Original poster

Awfulmother1 · 01/09/2024 18:59

I haven't read all the messages. I have been assessed by two psychiatrists and they have agreed to admit me. I rang my husband and his response was , who's going to bring the kids to their hobbies because I'm working..

OP posts:

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 01/09/2024 19:01

@Awfulmother1 you're in the right place for now. Best of luck. Your husband will need to figure it out, you're not well.

SwiftiesVSLestat · 01/09/2024 19:01

Rosscameasdoody · 01/09/2024 17:35

The child is old enough to realise that her mother has mental health issues, she’s 16. She’s also old enough to appreciate that her own behaviour and attitude to her mother likely contributes to those issues. In a less toxic environment the other parent would have pointed this out and supported their partner.

There are two parents here. One of whom has seemingly serious mental health issues. The other appears to be a useless piece of shit who stands by and allows his vulnerable wife to be abused by his eldest daughter. OP doesn’t bear all the responsibility - far from it. She’s vulnerable herself. Something that most posters are glossing over in their rush to lay the blame for everything that’s happening at OP’s door.

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No one has blamed Op alone for the situation the whole family are in.

Again calling a teenager abusive in these circumstances is bizarre. Putting the obligation onto a teenager for helping to improve their mums mental health, isn’t healthy.

The girl is clearly struggling. Very likely has mental health issues of her own (mentally well teenagers don’t smash their rooms up) and her mum assaulted her.

Then to blame her (calling the dd an abuser puts the blame at her door) for not acting in the way is best for her mothers mental health and contributing to this is victim blaming and it’s very unfair to teenager.

If the daughter is responsible for her mothers mental health (at least in part) why is the mother (and father) responsible for their daughters mental health. Op threw the remote to scare and get a reaction out of her daughter. That’s abuse. That not helping her daughters mental health.

AlertCat · 01/09/2024 19:02

Awfulmother1 · 01/09/2024 18:59

I haven't read all the messages. I have been assessed by two psychiatrists and they have agreed to admit me. I rang my husband and his response was , who's going to bring the kids to their hobbies because I'm working..

This is his chance to shine, surely? 🤨😒

SwiftiesVSLestat · 01/09/2024 19:05

Awfulmother1 · 01/09/2024 18:59

I haven't read all the messages. I have been assessed by two psychiatrists and they have agreed to admit me. I rang my husband and his response was , who's going to bring the kids to their hobbies because I'm working..

Look your husband could be a dick or he could have just had enough. Or a bit of both.

He wasn’t going to have much sympathy at this point. You assaulted your dd. His dd.

Taking yourself off to hospital, was the right thing. But it’s not going to undo what’s happened. It’s going to take more than that. No one would be expected to give their spouse sympathy after they assaulted their child and then went to hospital and called expecting sympathy.

and if he truly is abusive seek help from the professionals supporting you.

Original poster

Awfulmother1 · 01/09/2024 19:05

I won't get a bed tonight. They will keep me in hospital. I'm so very sad I let it get to this. I should have put my foot down years ago when they wanted me to be an in patient. I have struggled for years because I had no support.

OP posts:

Demonhunter · 01/09/2024 19:07

You must have an excellent mental health department at your local primary trust to see 2 psychiatrists on a Sunday and them agree to you being admitted voluntarily.

Justanotherusername27 · 01/09/2024 19:07

Well done OP. You’ve made the first step in a positive direction for yourself. Their dad can look after them for now (see how much he likes being the responsible parent). Focus on yourself. Things will improve. This is rock bottom now. The only way is up xx

Justanotherusername27 · 01/09/2024 19:08

Demonhunter · 01/09/2024 19:07

You must have an excellent mental health department at your local primary trust to see 2 psychiatrists on a Sunday and them agree to you being admitted voluntarily.

My ex did this multiple times it’s not unheard of

Original poster

Awfulmother1 · 01/09/2024 19:08

Demonhunter · 01/09/2024 19:07

You must have an excellent mental health department at your local primary trust to see 2 psychiatrists on a Sunday and them agree to you being admitted voluntarily.

I'm not in the UK. I have private health insurance.

OP posts:

Comedycook · 01/09/2024 19:10

Awfulmother1 · 01/09/2024 19:05

I won't get a bed tonight. They will keep me in hospital. I'm so very sad I let it get to this. I should have put my foot down years ago when they wanted me to be an in patient. I have struggled for years because I had no support.

Well you're getting the help now...that's the main thing. Hopefully things will now start to improve

Demonhunter · 01/09/2024 19:10

Awfulmother1 · 01/09/2024 19:08

I'm not in the UK. I have private health insurance.

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Ah we need something like that here then! They have trouble even finding space for anyone to be involuntarily sectioned in the UK at the moment. I think many families would pay private health insurance to have treatment like that.