Physically attacked my DD16

[Awfulmother1]

Nc, feel disgusted and hate myself. I seriously physically attacked my DD16 yesterday causing her ear to bleed where she had earrings in. I'm vile, not fit to be called a mother and should have never had children. I'm ruining their lives. I'm a piece of shit.

This isn’t about you though. Totally different scenario.

So they are all responsible for abusing eachother.

Even the children. Who have been abused? Never had chance to learn a healthy way to deal with emotions and other people.

Expecting a teen to act in a certain way as to not make their parents mental issues worse, is unrealistic and leads to that child (usually) having all sorts of issues themselves.

Thats a huge amount of responsibility that most teens could not handle.

If the teen is responsible for making Their parents mental health worse (and therefore abusing them) then the adult is responsible for their own actions to. Which was a physical assault.

The child isn’t responsible for ten toxic household they are growing up in. The adults are.

You need to tell your husband your 12 year old is home alone, don't leave it to him to explain things!

You're correct, it isn't about me. It's about 2 teenage girls who are being at the best emotionally neglected and growing up in an toxic household and at the worst emotionally and physically(certainly for older DD) abused by their mother whilst their brother can do no wrong.

The OP might be having a mental health crisis and has her own abuse to deal with as a reason for how she parents and has acted towards her DD but it's not an excuse, she doesn't get a free pass because of it.

Punching in the stomach is a bit of a weird thing for a teenage girl to do. I’d associate it more with teenage boys, girls tend to shove, slap and pull hair. There something a bit weird about whole thread tbh.

My husband accidentally burned our carpet by dropping a hot iron and I've accidentally got nail varnish on our bed too. Doesn't mean either of us deserves to be beaten.

Why do people hold teenagers and children to higher standards than adults?

Mothers set the tone of the house. That's a scientific fact. Children look to their mothers (more so than fathers!) to learn how to act so this girl is a product of her environment.

I'd like for people responding harshly on here to really pause, step back and think. This woman is extremely fragile right now. What benefit do you intend to get from adding harsh, condemning comments to her thread? She has acknowledged the gravity of what she did and is actively seeking proper help and intervention.

I know some people are skeptical of the thread, too, but remember that other people who might be in crisis could be reading here, too. No one benefits from reading comments that tear someone down while they're vulnerable. Best case scenario, this situation isn't real and you've made a snarky comment to a fake poster (not saying I think it isn't real). Worst case, you've kicked a vulnerable person while they're down and sent them further down a dangerous spiral. Just think about it.

I can't believe a 12yo is sitting at home by himself in these circumstances. The father clearly does not give a shit about the welfare of his children or he'd have taken him out too.

He's psychic and knew his wife was going to take herself off to hospital?

How was he supposed to know that OP was going to take herself off to A&E?

Whilst I agree that if someone is in crisis the last thing to do is kick them when they are down; I think many people reading this who come from background of abusive parenting when we were children ourselves, it sounds a little too familiar.
My mother had mental health problems and really unpredictable explosive outbursts over trivial matters and took normal annoying teenage behaviour really personally and lost her shit in a very disproportionate way. Sometimes violently.
If she was to write a post after she had done this it would read a lot like OPs. Just saying. Two sides to every story.

It’s good op has got intervention.

But by the same sentiment plenty could be reading this thread and they have been assaulted and they are reading that its their fault for saying the wrong thing, winding someone up and so on.

If he was genuinely concerned then he would have taken all of his children away from her?

Yes, any comments that imply or say that OP's DD is at fault are completely wrong too, you're right. I really sincerely hope OP finds effective intervention for all of their sakes.

Exactly, someone being assaulted and abused by a parent could read this and now believe 'it is my fault my mum/dad hits me, I'm obviously driving them too it, I shouldn't ever defend myself as if I do then anything that happens is on me.'

But OP already admitted that the DS and her are much closer and her problem is with her daughters.
I can guarantee that they'll feel some jealousy/resentment towards their brother. The dad probably felt it was better to give the girls some breathing room and knew the DS would be safe.

OP please, please don't make your son explain to your husband that you're in hospital.
He'll be worried at home on his own dreading/longing for his dad to come home because what he has to tell him could change his family forever. It's not fair on him at all to carry that responsibility.

I agree.

It is also the adults in this situation who can get away. I grew up in a household where mum would go to A&E in mental health crisis (and inevitably return home later). It felt manipulative if I’m honest even though she did have diagnosed mental health problems and she did need help. In those traumatic family crises, she came first and everyone else had to get on with it.

Agree, my friends mum was like this, and of course it very much became about her, 'you can't mention being assaulted as that'll just be upsetting for her... be nice!'

OP says herself she's much closer to her son and that the "problem" is with her daughters. Maybe he felt it was better to separate the children and avoid another confrontation.

Ok there is quite a lot to unpick here and I feel some of the responses aren't looking at this situation holistically.

Assaulting your child, wherever their age or provocation is not acceptable. It's a criminal act and one the OP needs to take responsibility for.

The positive here is that the OP accepts she is in the wrong. She is remorseful. Has apologised and is seeking counselling.

Like many others I do think some time away from the family home would be beneficial to give everyone a chance to reflect not only on the event but the wider dynamic within the family.

However the other serious considerations here are the OP's ongoing MH concerns and the lack of support from her husband.

She is the person who hit her child, but simultaneously her DH has spent years undermining her and pitching himself against his wife.

Being the "fun parent" really means not parenting at all but he's worse than that in actively enabling his daughter's poor behaviour.

He is not without blame here (under said) and it's perfectly reasonable to hold this view whilst simultaneously being clear that the OP's behaviour was appalling.

I'm also somewhat surprised by people suggesting the daughter's behaviour is normal for a teenager.

I'm not so concerned about a messy room or an accident with a burnt carpet but it's beyond that isn't it. Broken beds and mirrors, causing a major leak and the constant "shhh" and lack of respect for her mother is awful and no, I would not accept or tolerate this.

Yet the OP has to become her DH provides no backup whatsoever and seeks to alienate her within the family.

I don't condone the OP's actions but I do feel sympathy for her.

It's also why I think she needs to leave the home not just for her daughter but for herself.

Her husband needs to understand that he needs to parent and live with the consequences of his actions. I wonder how long he'll stay being Mr Fun if the OP is not there to provide any boundaries whatsoever.

The whole family situation is toxic and both parents are at fault, the OP for remaining in this situation but the DH certainly for creating it.

The children (and daughter especially) will be traumatised by what has happened but they will also be impacted by the longer term dynamic of seeing their fathers ongoing poor treatment of their mother and normalising this - and I don't underestimate the negative consequences of either of these abuses in their development.

Well done for removing yourself from the situation, it is best for everyone involved.

Ring the council and tell them you have no where to stay tonight and then sort it out properly in the morning.
It shouldn’t take much to have your benefits put into your account.

You obviously have an unhealthy relationship with both your DDs but your relationship with your son so seems very unhealthy.

At only 12, he does not need this responsibility.
Tell him that you are absolutely fine and not to worry and because of how you acted you have removed yourself from the home until you have got help for your anger.

Remember he looks to you and DH as role models and if he ever gets violent with his partner or child in the future, he will most likely act like you and so you are teaching him how to respond in the correct way by leaving and getting help.

It is all too common for children from dysfunctional homes to become dysfunctional adults/parents.
It may be too late for your DDs but your DS may still have a chance to become a decent partner and parent.

Excellent assessment of the issues, great post.

This is not a comment on the OP's situation, which none of us know, and obviously we are all going to be reading this through our own experiences. But can I just say for the misinformed on this thread that abusers are very often remorseful, regretful and castigate themselves. They are still abusers. The self castigation and references to self harm are a major reason that DV victims don't speak out, because they fear their abusers will harm themselves. Again, no comment on the situation, but comments like "if you were abusive you wouldn't be sorry " should not be allowed to stand. This is dangerous for victims to read, and go on believing that their abuse is not real abuse.

? What does that mean

I don’t think the DDs behaviour is normal. But some of what op is claiming has pushed her to the edge is.

Some of it is not and suggests that the teen heeled is struggling with mental health problems. But Op either seems obvious to that or didn’t think it was as worth mentioning.

It’s really quite obvious all is not well with the dd but no mention of ‘I have tried to get her help alot’ or ‘she has had counselling’ or ‘she refuses counselling’.

I would guess no one has reached out for help for this child and the obvious issues have been ignored or they have but Op didn’t want to mention the issues or diagnosis, whilst talking about their own many issues. Because that would make the Op appear even worse.

If help has never been sought for this child Op and her husband are to blame. If they have and it’s known dd also has issues or diagnosis the op is being very manipulative.

I don’t even think Op is doing that on purpose. I suspect Op (whilst is in an And marriage) has learned to victimise herself. Forgets to mention important details that don’t support the narrative of ‘my daughter and husband hate me and abuse me. My behaviour my fault’.

It’s very complex and I hope they all get help. But I agree with op some of the fds behaviour isn’t normal. But that doesn’t mean she is abusing her mother.