Physically attacked my DD16

[Awfulmother1]

Nc, feel disgusted and hate myself. I seriously physically attacked my DD16 yesterday causing her ear to bleed where she had earrings in. I'm vile, not fit to be called a mother and should have never had children. I'm ruining their lives. I'm a piece of shit.

Well this shows some ignorance

I didn’t ‘bond’ with my newborn after a traumatic delivery and being shocked with the relentlessness of parenthood. Posts like yours made me feel like a failure.

I was still devoted to him. That magic bond grew with time. And now I’m devoted to and bonded with him. Am I an unnatural or terrible parent?

This thread shows how many uncomfortable and contradictory things can be true at once.

That would be a good idea - even if it not permanent. Take your son, if he want to come, and find somewhere else to stay for a while.

I think your husband is abusive. He's abusing you financially. He's a yes man with your kids. He let them do what they like when they like and has no boundaries. He allows them to disrespect you. He has no respect for you and neither do they.

You sound like you're on the edge of another MH episode. You sound unwell. You can't go round throwing shit. You can't physically hurt your children. You know that.

I personally think you need to move out. I'm not saying that because I think your a danger or unfit. I'm saying that because I think it's a toxic environment for you. I think you'll feel better and get better if your not their. Your older children will be asked who they want to live with presumably the older 2 will chose dad.

I think you need to get away from this dynamic. You are not walking out of the situation with clean hands after the altercation with your DD but I absolutely believe your husband has taught her to abuse you as an extension of him abusing you. I have seen it up close before. You might be better doing a tonne of work on yourself and then seeing what relationships are possible after that. If your DDs continue to abuse you, as they have been brought up to do, then it is a real problem.

Tell the other 3 to move out - make sure you don't let them stay in the house - take 50 per cent.
You have no one in your life to look out for you.
If you did - you wouldn't have put the hefty deposit down on your own. You would have left him when he didn't let you get your mental health help. Don't ruin your son's life.

To the point where one has no money at all and the other is free to do what they want including treating two out of three children on a regular basis?

Yes this is called “learned behavior” as child has learnt from father to abuse mother. This is exactly what happened to me with my DD.

You shouldn’t have thrown the remote “as a warning” 🤔

however this sounds like a build up of disrespectful behaviour (theres no way my children would ever tell me to shush when I’ve asked them to do something).

the thing is with situations where you’re dealing with a disrespectful child/teenager is that it’s nipped in the bud straightaway and they instantly know they have crossed the line.

not dealing with her over time has caused this to build and you to feel disrespected, which has in turn caused you to snap.

im not surprised you snapped, i would’ve snapped along time ago with a daughter like yours, i certainly wouldn’t have apologised to her, when she’s the reason it’s come to this.

its a shame you’ve never had a good relationship with her, why is this?

@Awfulmother1 yes, contact Womens Aid again. You need to find a way to get out of this house.

I agree with everyone saying the older kid has been taught by dad and they're tag teaming. I've watched this happen in my own family with kids. It's poisonous. If you don't realise it you could just flip out / explode one day ( like you have) and you're then the crazy.

If your daughter is like this then you can't save her now anyway. Get out and get space. You don't want your younger son joining in.

Don't take responsibility for everyone else! This is what they'll do next. All of it will be your fault. You accept your problem and your actions and you do something - which I believe you are.

Why because abuse is okay if it's the mother?

Why don't you RTFT @jannier ? 🙄

What you did was wrong bur at least you can see it was wrong and have remorse. It can't carry on OP, something has got to give. Yes she isn't perfect but she isn't an adult she's a child, and she needs to feel safe in her home without fear of being hurt. I say this as someone who grew up in a physically abusive household so I very much know the long term impact of it.

"A woman doing it is not as bad" what am I reading abuse from anyone is bad of course a woman can injure someone are you going to say it's okay as long as you don't break a bone or do internal damage? Or how about my 15 year old daughter can hit me, but not my 15 year old son ...hitting or attacking anyone is wrong and abuse.

I don't understand how leaving a tap on can cause a leak? Surely, the leak was already there, and leaving the tap on just highlighted it. I leave my bathroom tap on all the time because the cats like to drink from it. It's never caused a leak.

I'm almost 100% certain that everyone on this thread has accidentally left a pair of straighteners somewhere they shouldn't have before.

The rest sounds like normal teenage shit.

One of my DDs went through 2 or 3 beds in quick succession because she kept flopping on them instead of sitting down. I didn't abuse her because of it. I helped her source cheap replacements when she asked me to and I helped her dismantle and assemble them when she asked, otherwise, I left her to it. Her bed, her problem.

The other DD is quite possibly growing a new strain of the bubonic plague in her room. I still don't assault her. Her room, her problem. If she asks me to help her clean, I might depending if I am busy otherwise I leave her to it.

If you're constantly picking at her she is going to respond to you with aggression. It's just how teenagers are. Their brains are not fully developed yet and they cannot deal with conflict the same way as adults.

You need to apologise and you need some parenting classes and counseling. If there is any risk of you assaulting your child again you need to leave the family home.

No excuse for violence against a 16yr old, whose frontal cortex is as yet undeveloped and therefore has reduced capacity for empathy and understanding.

OP is a grown adult. She was able to control herself when she saw her other children watching so fully understood her behaviour was unacceptable.

It's shit like this that make MN a laughing stock.
The Dh is abusive?
Perhaps the dd is acting out because her mother is aggressive and violent?

I have CPTSD and have notched up several adverse childhood experiences. I've never ever attacked someone. Please think about your words. This thread is disgusting, the amount of apologists.

Or maybe she learned the behaviour from her mother. The one that attacked her.

I just don't know what to believe on this thread.
I feel like OP is saying what she needs to to justify her actions.

If you think it’s pearl clutching to disagree with attacking your kids or being abusive, then I feel very sorry for the people in your home.

I hope you’re never in an abusive marriage.

She was lucky she lived in a time where abuse was brushed under carpets and that the poker didn't kill or seriously injure her child. I think normal people of all classes are against abuse maybe you were just so used to it that you don't register it as wrong.

You are assuming we can trust the OPs narrative of her DH and daughters relationship. Is there not a chance the OP is twisting and saying things to justify her aggressive, toxix behaviour?

I agree with @OhWell45
Your husband takes the easy path, you’re left with the tough jobs and you sound very unwell to me.
Either he moves out with the two girls & you stay with DS,
Or the house is sold, you get back your 38k and the remaining equity is split 50/50.
You and DH working as a team to manage the kids, him showing respect and consideration equally to everyone and you doing the same would be a positive influence on the children. Sadly I don’t think that’s going to happen and there’s too much negativity, causing a really toxic environment.

Get help from your GP, mental health services if possible and I hope you can all find some peace in your lives.

Exactly, so a woman attacks their child but there is a man within a mile radius so it's his fault. Right. Take some responsibility OP. At least you 'll get some respect for that.

This! With bells on.
I have 3 teenagers btw, so I know what it's like, but your behaviour is appalling. This has not come out of the blue, you are an abuser.
Your husband is trying to compensate for your abuse. He will probably feel confused and ashamed that he has to protect his children from their mother, but I really hope he finds the courage to report this. You need to leave the home asap to give your dc half a chance of recovery. Declare yourself homeless and get away from them immediately. If you truly cared for any of them you would leave.
You are damaging your children but you cannot see it, you are only concerned about how things effect you. It's very telling that you favour your son.