Hey @Awfulmother1
Of course, you know it’s absolutely wrong to be violent to anyone, and especially your kids. That’s clear from your post. You clearly feel terrible about it.
Teenagers can try the patience of a saint. Plus people of previous generations were often threatened with or experienced violent parenting (smacks and ‘clips round the ear’) if we were disrespectful or insolent, so it can be an automatic, learnt response at times of stress. Even teachers used to be violent to kids. Not that it’s an excuse.
What’s done is done. What’s important now is how you move forward. It must never happen again. You must obviously profusely apologise to your DD and tell her you were completely wrong to do it. No excuse. This will teach her violence is wrong and people must take responsibility for their actions.
Then you need to have strategies to avoid it in future. You’ve done the right thing booking therapy. You may want to consider anger management therapy and techniques in the meantime. Such as removing yourself from interactions if you start to feel stressed. I found it helpful to channel my kids’ teachers in being firm without shouting or aggression. Might it also be worth considering if your aggression is menopause-related?
Also sounds like you and your DH need to have a good chat about how to parent as a team. Together, you need to make it clear to your DD that she must have respect for you and your home. As a young adult, she must take responsibility for tidying up after herself, looking after things and doing her fair share of the housework. Because that’s what adults have to do.
With teenagers, if one parent’s left to set and enforce all the boundaries while the other is the soother and protector, that’s not good or healthy. They’ll play you off against each other and it leaves the ‘enforcer’ parent feeling bad, isolated and undermined. It’s both your responsibility.