Physically attacked my DD16

[Awfulmother1]

Nc, feel disgusted and hate myself. I seriously physically attacked my DD16 yesterday causing her ear to bleed where she had earrings in. I'm vile, not fit to be called a mother and should have never had children. I'm ruining their lives. I'm a piece of shit.

No he couldnt/wouldn't take time of because at the time he was self employed. I actually begged him to come to the psychiatric with me and he said he was to busy with work. He dropped me of, was meant to collect me but didn't answer his phone so I walked home in tears. When I tried to explain how I felt he went the park with the kids.

I also had major surgery before my mental health diagnoses and he wasn't there. I had to crawl on the floor to get to the bathroom. He left the kids at home with me because I couldn't drive and he didn't have time to do all the school drop off and pick ups. This resulted in me not being able to heal properly and getting numerous infections and set backs.

You can't get a job, you're signed off for life.
OK, you can get a divorce, right?
Get a room for yourself in that house, put a lock on and start divorce proceedings.
Only do stuff for you and your son.
You'll get half of everything.
You may be entitled to Benefits.
It's up to you - stay there and be a slave or go and have a nice life with your son.
They don't like your son or they would've taken him out too. Don't make his life a misery with those ungrateful 💩.
You have had a miserable life - time to end that.
Get therapy.
Your husband is evil.

You don't have to be signed off work for life. That's not likely.
Get a job. Join some clubs, make some friends.

@TransformerZ Read OP’s posts. She threw the remote at her daughter. Daughter threw it back. OP jumped up and attacked her daughter. Daughter thumped her in self defence. I doubt she could have “walked out” if OP was on top of her attacking her.

OP has never loved her daughter, never bonded since day 1. You reap what you sow.

I've lost all my confidence. I wouldn't know where to start.

Especially when they're throwing objects around as a 'warning'.

An object is an object and if it hits you, it doesn't matter what sex the person who threw it is.

No, pure lies. Hopefully that means this whole thing is a fantasy rather than children living in an abusive homes.

I think this says a huge amount about why there is such a disconnect now and why you all need help.

Your daughter does not have a secure attachment with you, you haven't made an emotional connection and she has with her dad. She's gravitated towards the person who can make her feel loved and secure and is protecting herself by doing so.
You haven't felt able to be the parent she needs but that doesn't mean you can't start to repair things with her now.

You need to self refer to your social care team and ask for help. You need to be brutally honest about how you feel and your experience of parenting. Your husband needs to understand he has to be part of this process.

Do you actually want to be married to him though?

You both need parenting support and to understand the impact of parental mental health issues and attachment issues.
Your husband needs to understand that part of providing security and safety is maintaining strong boundaries and routine and not just giving a child everything they want. It's not healthy and doesn't help them thrive.

Definitely get yourself therapy. I’m sure we’d all lose our rag with regards to thoughtless teenage behaviour but it’s good you realise it’s too far. I recall worse as a teen myself and did a lot of work in therapy to get over it and improve my own emotional responses.

My teen has flooded the bathroom, stained a brand new carpet and lived in filth. I let them have messy rooms to an extent and I don’t get angry about it. Although she gets a severe telling off for the carpet and any rudeness - I let a lot go because she isn’t that bad and I’m grateful she hasn’t gone off the rails, so far. She does have SEN but all teens can be thoughtless. Without therapy I’d be the same. Do the work and forgive yourself so you can build a healthy relationship.

I suspect that given the 13 weeks off, the OP isn't in the UK, hence the "signed off by the government " thing. So suggestions of what she should do are not always helpful, as we don't understand what is available or possible where she is.

I am signed of work for life. I don't live in the UK. I receive an invalidity pension up to the age of 66 and then I get the oap pension. Its not unusual in my country. The invalidity pension goes straight into an account to pay the mortgage so I don't see a penny of it.

You are trying to paint him as an awful person but you choose to stay with him.

You say you have no money to leave because you don’t have a job but then say you don’t need to work.

You are tying yourself in knots trying to justify your behaviour but most of us aren’t that stupid to swallow it and the police/SS won’t either.

DD doesn’t sound lovely e.g. the punching in the stomach. But yeah it’s level 1 behaviour and a level 5 response. I wonder would happen if she did a level 5 thing. If she doesn’t get a job, fine then she would just get bare essential clothes, toiletries etc

I never said I don't need to work.

Bollocks. This is about them both and the rest of the family.

DD will remember this, not for the physically so much but the feeling unloved. It's important to remember they are still the children in the relationship and you are the responsible adult. You are not peers so things like moving out can be counter productive.

Take ownership, apologise and if possible show her some physical affection. Tell her all the things you like about her and how proud you are. Say you'd like to have a better relationship moving forward. And mean it.

If your marriage really is as bad as you claim, then you need to leave.

You can't stay and then turn on an innocent child because you're angry at yourself or your husband.

I'm sorry but regardless of your daughter's behaviour, as her parent it is absolutely unacceptable for you to throw things at her or attack her. Your husband absolutely should have called the police. Lots of people are being easy on you but if you were describing your husband doing this they'd be saying get out and get your children out.
As a parent it is on you to break the cycle, I don't care what's happened in your past. That might sound harsh but I say it as someone with CPTSD and having gone through abuse myself.
You need to speak to someone asap, your daughter needs to speak to someone and you need to get serious help.

I understand but you just have to start little by little. You'll begin to feel self worth again.

Do you have any interests or old hobbies? If not, go to a group swim class or an easy dance class. Even just going to a book club or walking group. Just do something but don't stay stuck in a rut.

You could turn this into a wake up call where you start to make positive changes for yourself and hopefully you'll be in a better place to heal the relationships with your children.

DH has actually brought our two daughters out this morning. He has form for this. If there's an argument he straight away brings then out and treats them. DS12 is at home with me

He has form for this

So the fun parent who takes his daughter’s side and spoils her is actually supporting them after they’ve been through something stressful and potentially traumatic?

And as you’ve used that as an example of him indulging your daughter, I do wonder whether he is so close to her to make up for the way you parent.

@Choochoo21 go clutch your pearls somewhere else. I imagine mum's on here have done all sorts.

OP - just get out the house for the day. Just go walk somewhere for hours. Your husband and your daughter sound bloody nightmares. And no I don't advocate abuse. We are however all capable of it under the right combination of circumstances - and that includes you choochoo.

Hopefully she calls the police and reports it. Just like we would encourage you to do if your partner had assaulted you.

@Awfulmother1 hey. I know you’re bombarded with responses but I just wanted you to know I don’t think you’re a bad person. I think you’ve handled a situation badly but I also think you have been pushed to your limit due to lack of support from your husband and anyone else.

I think firstly put their relationship aside and focus on your own with your daughter. Apologise to her and start from there. Don’t focus on your husband as he is unreliable for support.

Secondly. Tomorrow call your local family support team. Explain what’s been happening, this means services getting involved but I think you need it. They will help and support you though. If you’re forthcoming they will do everything to make things better for you and your family.

Not that it’s okay for you to do or it was okay for my mum but I once pushed my mum to her limit and she slapped me really really hard across the face. It wasn’t okay but we were okay afterwards and had a lovely relationship (she passed recently). I was an arsehole teenager and my mum was pushed to her limit but we got through and we had the best relationship.

it feels horrible right now but it’ll be okay

Ok so that’s your money to live off. Get in touch with the agency who pays it on Monday and get it redirected to a personal account, it shouldn’t be paying the mortgage anyway leaving you with nothing to live off. If you feel it’s necessary transfer a small amount back to the joint account. I assume your husband can make up the mortgage himself, if not tell him you think you’ll need to sell the house and get somewhere cheaper as you’re not prepared to be left with no financial independence again. And then move out.

It may seem like a side issue but I don’t think you’ll address the massive problem of your own anger unless you sort out the wider situation as a whole.

Seriously divorce him.
Your invalidity pension is keeping a roof over these 💩.
He is stealing from you.
I did wonder why he stayed with you - housework and pension.
You need to leave - your son deserves better, you have money but your husband is stealing it from you.

@Everyoneesleistheproblem 🙄 I meant as in the op's first post is about how awful she is. Op needs to stop thinking about herself and start putting her dd first.