Physically attacked my DD16

[Awfulmother1]

Nc, feel disgusted and hate myself. I seriously physically attacked my DD16 yesterday causing her ear to bleed where she had earrings in. I'm vile, not fit to be called a mother and should have never had children. I'm ruining their lives. I'm a piece of shit.

OP is the adult in this situation. Adults don't throw things at their children to "warn them".

And if someone "jumped up and attacked me" (which OP did in her own words), I'd bloody well punch back and defend myself too.

I can't get a job. I am signed of work for life by the government. I have no money, I can't just go to a hotel or family for a few days. I'm stuck here. I'm stuck in this house the last 14 years. No friends, no hobbies, no support from DH. I've never physically attacked anybody before. Most people I've encountered during my life have abused me and used me.

Yes I admit I'm miserable most of the time and I can be shouty. I'm constantly asking them to do the smallest of things to help me and all I get back in return is shut up or in a minute. DH comes home and its sll fun and games.

After 13 weeks of being with three children during the summer I lost my mind yesterday.

I've emailed about counselling and will be seeing my GP about my mental health.

DH has actually brought our two daughters out this morning. He has form for this. If there's an argument he straight away brings then out and treats them. DS12 is at home with me.

You don't know enough to say she isn't as abusive as your mother. I don't see any remorce from the OP, her first post was a sympathy grabber then she has shoved the blame on her DD and partner in later comments.
Yes her DD behaviour is concerning but this is likely down to her mother who said she has never had a good relationship with her. That sounds like OP never bonded with her own DD which has probably caused DD to have attachment issues that lead to poor Mental health and behaviours, partner could be trying to buffer emotional abuse DD faces from the OP.
It's OPs issues that would have resulted in not bonding with her own child, it's not the child's fault.

@TransformerZ no, OP attacked first.

You should ring social services

Hopefully he still will.

We hear about men attacking their kids all of the time but the mothers don’t ring the police for various reasons.

Physical abuse doesn’t just come out of the blue.
OP would have been abusive for a while but abuse always escalates.

The DH is most likely a victim of her abuse too.
He has some misplaced loyalty or is afraid of the consequences of ringing the police.

Once the police have been called then there is no turning back.
OP will have to leave or have SS involvement. He may think this will be bad for the kids (especially if he knows the OP will try and split the siblings up).

OP has already played the victim and tried to blame both the DDs and the DH.

Some victim blamers have also read the post where OP admits she started it and made her own child bleed but they’re still defending her and trying to blame him for being abusive.
He is probably concerned that the police/SS may have this opinion too and she’d be left alone with the kids without him there to protect them.

I hope he does start a thread because most of us would be telling him to ring the police and kick OP out.

The OP threw the remote in a threatening manner “as a warning”.

The child retaliated (maybe the child “saw red”?)

The mother then escalated further by attacking the child (she doesn’t specify how).

The child punched her mother in self defence.

The mother initiated the incident by throwing the remote.

The child responded in kind.

The mother then escalated to physical contact.

I have never read anything so ridiculous as claiming it's not as bad a woman assaulting someone than a man because they're not capable of injuring people because they're "weaker". Absolute crap.

Your children are old enough now where you can go and do hobbies and make friends and potentially get a job.

My eldest son ,was similar to your daughter, behaviour wise
He was diagnosed with autism age 4 ,but that was the sort of behaviour we regularly delt with
It is enough to push a parent to their limit .
I also received a diagnosis of autism,and my youngest son did too .
You must of really been stressed and at your absolute limit op
You must take some time to yourself,so you don't get overwhelmed again .

My PTSD and GAD was diagnosed 6 years ago after I had what they called a standing breakdown. My GP wanted me to be admitted to an in patient facility but as I had no family support it wasn't possible. Instead the community mental health nurse visited me every day for eight months. I have tried CBT in the past with limited success and medications don't work, just make me feel like a zombie. I have been permanently signed of work and will never work again

Could your husband not have taken time off work to facilitate this? If you had a serious physical illness then he would have been forced to take the time off.

DH has actually brought our two daughters out this morning. He has form for this. If there's an argument he straight away brings then out and treats them. DS12 is at home with me.

He's obviously compensating for your behaviour OP which is a pattern if this is a habit. I assume you don't abuse your son which is why he hasn't taken him out.

He’s trying to compensate for the treatment they get from you OP. You should be glad they have a parent who loves them.
Also, I doubt anyone is actually stopping you from working. If you want a job, you can get one. Or you could do some voluntary work to get out of the house.
Why have your kids had 13 weeks off school?

Lots of women get various diagnosis,before they discover it's autism.
Just a thought x

There is clearly a very toxic dynamic here in your family. Your husband sounds really shit and you seem very unhappy. A lot needs to change here. I don't think it will be fixed by you just apologising and then you moving on. You know how absolutely appalling your behaviour was. You need to put a lot of work to change yourself, but also the whole family to be a lot healthier.

Genuinely don't know what to advise - sometimes it is so easy to see the solution on MN, you think 'how can you not see it for yourself?', but in this scenario I genuinely would not know what to do.

I very much agree with you. I cannot understand why people come here just to make OP feel worse instead of trying to help.
If they really cared about abuse, they'd think twice about what they write and at least try to offer something useful. It's very disheartening...

DH has actually brought our two daughters out this morning. He has form for this. If there's an argument he straight away brings then out and treats them. DS12 is at home with me.

So this is a regular occurrence then.

Thank goodness they have their dads support.
Of course the best thing he can do is remove them from the situation.
Look what happened when he didn’t.

You need to leave today.
If you have no where to go then you ring the council and say you are homeless.

Your posts and the way you are trying to play the victim are sickening to read.
It’s textbook abusive behaviour.

“I am signed of work for life by the government.”

Pretty sure that’s not a thing. What is it you actually mean?

I am signed of work for life by the government.

Hang on though, this doesn’t mean that you can’t work- it just means that you don’t have to and can claim benefits. If you felt that you wanted to give working a try then you could, it’s not a “bar”.

Plus if you’ve been signed off for life, don’t you get benefits? And child allowance- where is that going? Start putting some money aside, it is not normal for grown woman to have no money at all to her own name. Do you have a car to sell, or jewellery?

And if you genuinely don’t feel able to move out permanently then as others have said make yourself a packed lunch and get out of the house all day, just return to sleep. Go for walks, volunteer in a charity shop, join a library, go swimming (lots of places have memberships for people on low incomes, one area near me has completely free swimming for residents). Just get yourself out of the house so that your daughter has space, you’d husband has to step up and do stuff for himself and you can think about what you need to do to get out of this vicious cycle.

OP, not the issue at hand right now, but I am struck by what you say about being stuck in the house and I can't imagine that's healthy for you or anyone

If you are unable to do paid work, have you thought of maybe doing some volunteering to get out of the house? It's something I did for a couple of years when my own mental health was particularly bad and it really helped to raise my confidence and self esteem. In my case it led towards a fulfilling career, but even if that were not to happen, it would be a chance to see a world outside your 4 walls.

Your comments about a sixteen year old child are absolutely awful.

Not true. I know dad's who have lost their shit and it's all about how they take responsibility. I absolutely would not do a LTB for man doing this.

Some of us have significant environmental and other factors that increase the risk of losing control. It is all about how it is handled, how it is acknowledged, is it happening regularly? Is OP going to take action to sort this out or blame everyone else?

All these factors are huge. I don't think it applies here but there's a phenomenon called reactive abuse - so people who are belittled and bullied continuously can one day just explode in violence. These people are not the same as these sociopathic bullies who don't see who they are.

I doubt many men would come on here taking responsibility.

I'm confused by this too. The government can't stop you from working