Physically attacked my DD16

[Awfulmother1]

Nc, feel disgusted and hate myself. I seriously physically attacked my DD16 yesterday causing her ear to bleed where she had earrings in. I'm vile, not fit to be called a mother and should have never had children. I'm ruining their lives. I'm a piece of shit.

"I became a SAHM after my second child as DH refused to change his work arrangements or cut back on his hobbies so as I could work. I had three under four with no help but to the outside world my DH is fantastic. The kids think that too. I constantly get told that we all hate you."

HTH

It's hard to get a job, even retail ones, NMW, so don't push on that.
Anyway, things have escalated so much forget the room and job.
You need to get a life for yourself.
Your husband and daughters are wasters.
Split, divorce, ger half of everything, look after you son and yourself.
Your daughter and husband 🤢

I have had family counselling where there was a history of abuse.

I have also had marriage counselling where there was a history of abuse.

It's not recommended but some counsellors will do it.

Also, the op and her husband may have done issues. Her husband may not have been backing her up. Etc etc.

But hitting people is wrong and it doesn't matter whether her husband wasn't backing her up. Hitting isn't an ok response to that.

And in answer to another poster (sorry I forgot the name) yes abusers often feel sorry about what they have done.

There's a row, it escalates, they hit, the other person runs away/hides and then they are sorry.

They start saying things like I don't know why I did it or I was angry or it was her fault. They say it'll never happen again. They'll say anything to keep their situation unchanged - they don't want to lose their marriage and their family.

But unless they change their reactions to anger it will happen again,

Ask me how I know.

psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse

Spot on.

I think it's very, very normal to fear getting the police involved in your marriage and your family, even if you're not abusive

For FFS. A couple of anecdotes given by the OP are far from enough to claim he’s abusive.

A husband does not discipline their wife.

A mother does discipline a child. It is a totally different type of relationship.

Her two oldest kids have told her they hate her for a long time. I am fairly sure she hasn’t gone from lovely and involved to abuse overnight. There has most likely been emotional abuse and a lot of shouting happening for a while.

It's very clear why you're so keen on justifying the OP attacking her child. You see abuse as discipline.

We don’t know the answer to that d never will unless he joins MN and yes, he’d be advised to call the police. What’s your point?

Lots of parents don't bond with their kids.

That does not mean that the other parent acts as the fun parent and does not tell the child to do totally normal things like tidying her room and taking care of houshold belongings.

@FoxtrotOscarKindaDay perhaps her loves her? Perhaps he remembers how she used to be, and hopes one day that woman will return? Perhaps he doesn’t want his children to come from a “broken home”? Perhaps he’d feel guilty, knowing his wife was in a police station? Perhaps he worries about his DS, who has a good relationship with OP? Perhaps he worries the DDs will blame themselves, as children often do in abusive situations?

You seem to be implying that the fact DH didn’t call the police is proof that OP isn’t abusive.

Are you aware of how many abuse victims don’t call the police, and endure brutal abuse for years?

Hold on, how have some posters manages to twist it so the husband is abusive? What?

The OPs actions are unacceptable, no matter how it tries to be justified.

My boys drive me to distraction sometimes with their teenage ways, something I'm sure majority of us feel or have felt at some time. You can't just lash out though, you need to take yourself away from the situation if you feel your blood boiling.

If she breaks something, you don't replace it, if she breaks something of someone else's, pocket money is deducted until it's paid for, cheekiness is teenage boundary pushing, even when you feel like screaming, just grit your teeth, say what the consequences will be, and that it won't be discussed further until its in a civil tone.

Sorry but I just can't see any justiciation for physical assault, and one that draws blood.

So by being the fun parent, that forces the other parent to physically attack a child??

How many posters moan about their spouse being a Disney parent - but they don’t go on to physically attack a child.

The fact that you are defending abuse and blaming it on the other parent (for being too nice 🙄) says more about you and your parenting than you realise.
I also feel sorry for your kids.

How do you know the OP has been abusive for a long time though, @RoachFish ?? You have no clue.

Surely it's just as likely that the dd are picking up on how their father treats OP, and are copying him.

No, but it is the husband's fault that she is at the end of the tether because he acts as the fun parent and does not ask the daughter to do reasonable things like tidy her room.

If your dd discloses this you will be put on a child protection plan. Socail care will interview the kids and your dh and it will happen. There's little chance all three will lie for you or dd16.

Have you hit before?

My mum used to beat the shit out of me. she was a child abuser. I was abused. I chose not to continue that. In my head I know ways to be exceptional evil and that terrifies me. I never ever hit my kids I try not to shout. I am kind with my words.

I think you need to prrepair for the very real possibility that your choices might become irrelevant soon. But socail care are overstretched and very crap so I guess you could all stay together but you'd have at least a few months of close scrutiny.

If you was a man, her dad. Everyone would say horrible things to you. As a child who wasn't safe in my own home from the one person who should have loved me unconditionally, you will get what you give. Maybe another generation of abuser in your dd. Maybe kids,who gray rock you. Maybe in your dotage a dd who doesn't know if she be relieved or cry.

Discipline is very different to abuse.

Its concerning that you can’t see the difference between the two.

I hope you don’t have kids or pets.

Totally different situation. Stop projecting.

@IMustDoMoreExercise maybe in your world lots of parents don’t bond with their kids, but I’ve never come across anyone who wasn’t devoted to their newborn. To me it shows a fundamental problem to not bond with your baby, usually a manifestation of significant mental illness, which OP has already stated she has. Her DH has no doubt spend years trying to make up for this detachment. Would you happily watch your mentally ill husband being cold and cruel to your kids, and support him in his actions?

Whether that's true or not, it's not really relevant here.

If OP isn't happy in her marriage, or with being a SAHM, then that's something she needs to deal with separately. She can't use it as an excuse for lashing out, throwing things and attacking a 16 year old child.

The op threw the remote onto the sofa.
The horrible daughter then threw it at her head.
The mum saw red and during that took 2 punches to the stomach and at some point the daughter's earring came off, that is why she is bleeding.
She hit her mum first.

No. It is not. It is the OP’s responsibility to manage her own feelings and behaviour. If the relationship wither husband leads her to lose control of herself, she should have left him. We are ALL responsible for our own behaviour.

so if a man is at the end of his tether because his boss is nasty, and he comes home and beats his wife, is it the boss’s fault?

There is one person to blame for violence, and that’s the person committing the violence.

Every single parent on MN has been pushed to the limit by their kids, be it a screaming baby or a nightmare teen. But very very few of them assault their child and make them bleed.

It blows my mind that some people are trying to make excuses for OP and what she’s done.