Physically attacked my DD16

[Awfulmother1]

Nc, feel disgusted and hate myself. I seriously physically attacked my DD16 yesterday causing her ear to bleed where she had earrings in. I'm vile, not fit to be called a mother and should have never had children. I'm ruining their lives. I'm a piece of shit.

That is far from the case with many, many 16 year olds and they don’t deserve to be beaten because of it. Their brains aren’t fully developed yet and being able to fully link action and consequence is formed much later.

We don’t know what the husband asks from his kids but the op is a sahm so it’s fair to guess she does the majority of asking. What we do know is the husband is the only parent that has bonded with this girl from baby and he’s the only one who has shown her proper love.

Yes, people do that in real life, but the OP hates herself. She is not trying to get or expecting to get support on MN.

Her husband has caused this over many years and destroyed the family. I hope that he is happy.

You're saying the husband doesn't do what the OP wants, therefore she wasn't responsible for attacking her daughter.

She IS responsible and that's a shameful attitude.

Because her behaviour is totally irrelevant to what happened.

If she tells a teacher or someone else that won't be your decision I'm afraid

It's Mumsnet, the OP is a woman.

That's all it takes for some people.

How did her husband force her to attack her child?

No, I am saying that the husband should not be the fun parent. He should start parenting his daughter properly.

Please do t use the term woke in this weaponised way. I happen to agree with you, but you are jumping on a bandwagon with your use of this term.

"Woke is an adjective derived from African-American Vernacular English (AAVE) originally meaning alertness to racial prejudice and discrimination. Beginning in the 2010s, it came to be used as slang for a broader awareness of social inequalities such as racial injustice, sexism, and denial of LGBT rights."

So has no relevance in this situation.

How can you read a post about someone physically attacking a child and say it’s not abusive.

How many men cry and apologise after attacking their wives?

Its part of the cycle of abuse.
It doesn’t mean they’re any less abusive because they apologise and pretend to feel bad.

@Lacdulancelot -
From what op has put the dh would sooner let his dw stay than pick up the slack.

@Awfulmother1 I assume you are not a team. Your dh sounds like a selfish man and is happy to let you be the bad cop whilst he plays good cop.
I think you should leave, not because of what you’ve done, though it was pretty bad, but so your family can experience what it’s like to have to actually get off their backsides and keep the home running.

Your violent reaction seems to me like a dog who’s been kicked every day for years and has finally bitten back. The 16 year old knew she was goading you and didn’t expect you to bite back.
Please for your own sanity get a job, find a flat and see the dc end of week. Let Disney dad live up to his title.
And get some therapy. You cannot attack people especially dc.

I agree with this.

@IMustDoMoreExercise OP has admitted she didn’t bond with her DD from day one. I imagine her DH has spent DD’s entire life trying to compensate for the lack of love from her mother.

If this was a situation in which a mother indulged her daughter, because daughter was constantly berated by her mentally unwell father, would you be advising the mother to change her parenting?

It's not the DH's fault that OP attacked her own child - let's stop with blaming other people.

The only person responsible for violence is the perpetrator.

Most people with the abusive partners are the ones that would have no money and no where to go because the abuser has made them financially dependent on them and a SAHP. They fear for being homeless.

The OP in this case is the one in the position of having nothing, so what does her husband have to fear? He's free to work and go to hobbies and not parent his children.

She could also choose to break the cycle and not be abusive to her own children. You don’t have to treat others poorly just because you have been treated poorly. She would gave to start by taking responsibility for her actions though and not blame it on being pushed out or her husband being too nice to the kids so she has to be mean. Then do extensive therapy. It’s doable but it might be too late as the abuse has started and the kids are now older.

By not supporting her and being the fun parent for many years. Isn't it obvious?

The OP is human and has reached the end of her tether.

The husband has destroyed the family and the OP. I hope that he is happy.

OP has admitted she didn’t bond with her DD from day one.

OP clearly had post-partum depression, and no wonder with her background. Refering to it as "lack of love" is cruel.

Amazing how much some posters will tie themselves in knots trying to defend abuse if it's perpetrated by a woman.

The trouble with a forum like this is we only get a snapshot of a situation. OPs of threads are possibly unreliable narrators. We add on our own prejudices and compare our very different lives and what is left are kneejerk reactions.

Obviously OP has done an awful thing attacking her daughter and there's no justification for it.

However, we don't know that OP is, in general "an abuser". Today she has done something that is clearly abusive - but we don't know whether this is part of a continuing pattern of abusive behaviour or whether it was one off uncharacteristic behaviour. Obviously this family needs help to unpack this and stop this happening again, but the action that needs taking really depends on what has led up to this point.

Maybe OP has a history of exhibiting abusive behaviour to her children and this is why her family feel like a united front against her.

Maybe OP is a mentally unwell person that is being emotionally abused by her husband, he's been playing the children off against her for years, her older daughter is picking up on the husband's behaviour leading to OP feeling more bullied, and today has been the straw that broke the camel's back.

Maybe neither of the above scenarios reflect what has really happened and it's a different story entirely.

I don't think right now us attacking the OP or exonerating the OP are helpful. We don't know what's at play here and why this has happened.

I also think, OP, that all the "awful mother" stuff is unhelpful in evaluating what is going on and what needs to be done. It's very easy to hide behind berating yourself and calling yourself names - it's a way of thinking you're punishing yourself and therefore taking accountability, but really you're hiding under a mountain of self pity. You may deserve pity, I don't know, but now is not the time to indulge in this. It's not addressing what the problem is and finding a solution.

Right now, OP, I think you need to get some breathing space between you and your family Is there anywhere you could stay today - even a hotel if there are no friends and family - and then tomorrow get to your GP, have a very honest talk, and to try and get the ball rolling on some support for you and your family.

She could also choose to break the cycle and not be abusive to her own children. You don’t have to treat others poorly just because you have been treated poorly. She would gave to start by taking responsibility for her actions though and not blame it on being pushed out or her husband being too nice to the kids so she has to be mean. Then do extensive therapy. It’s doable but it might be too late as the abuse has started and the kids are now older.

She's had a single incident, there hasn't been a long-term pattern of abuse.
I'd suggest though that she does take it as a warning that her mental health is worsening again.

PP saying the daughter will forget with time are wrong. We never forget things like this and it will stay with her forever.

You are abusive and you are also suffering from poor mental health and at the end of your tether and you have a DH problem.

All of these things are true at once.

You need to split up and share custody of your younger children and your daughter live full time with DH.

You are not a safe person if you cannot control your emotions.

She sounds incredibly difficult, but I think you would be able to cope if you hadn't all the additional extenuating circumstances to do with childhood abuse and traumatic birth and not bonding with her.

As it stands right now, you shouldn't be around her.

I genuinely find it hard to believe you have never hit her before. I might be projecting but even when I was a teen my mum would see red and hit me, over normal teenage things and grumpiness. She also use hitting as a form of punishment when I was a child. Someone who doesn’t usually hit doesn’t suddenly start after 16 years of being a parent.

Why don’t abuse victims always call the police? If you’re a regular MNer you must surely know how hard it is to take that step? We read about it every day on here.

You’re displaying outrageous victim blaming.

It does sound like your relationship and home life is dysfunctional and you need to work on yourself.

Get yourself a job, any job - your children don't need a SAHM now.