Would you date someone who cheated on their ex?

[dreamuntilitsyours]

Name changed because this is outing, hoping for some MN wisdom!

I have been chatting to a guy I met online for around a week. He seems nice, quite keen etc...

Last night as we were finalising plans for our date tomorrow he said when we met he would like to give me a little more context about why he and his ex wife split. Alarm bells were ringing so I asked him to give a brief outline.

Anyway he went into the whole story. Basically he cheated. From what he said his ex wife had PND following a difficult pregnancy and birth of their daughter, she became distant/snappy/physically shut down...

This, straight away was a trigger for me as this is essentially a carbon copy of what my ex husband would say to justify his cheating on me.

He went on to say he met a woman on a night out who basically pursued him for ages, he claims he eventually went to her house to tell her to stop... and the inevitable happened. (Hmmmm!)

He did say he was genuinely remorseful, regrets it, would never do it again, it was totally out of character for him, nobody could believe he would do such a thing... etc

I told him trust is a huge issue for me and I needed some time to digest this news before I'd commit to meeting.

He sent a tonne of messages saying he hoped he didn't ruin anything and he wanted to be open with me and how he would never do anything like that before.

On one hand, I appreciate his honesty as he didn't have to share any of that, but on the other.. I can't help but wonder if this is a huge red flag?

I know my ex husband was a massive man child who couldn't deal with the fact I wasn't all over him immediately after having our children, and I never want to be in this situation again, nor condone it.

Thoughts please? Can people change?

No no no!

I would have and have.

I hate the thought of a world where people never change, I just don’t think it’s true. I have definitely changed in my life.

No, especially as you have first hand knowledge of this.

It’s difficult, I had a potential partner tell me the same thing, he had young kids at home his marriage was unhappy and he had an affair with a colleague. The way he spoke about it suggested that he was young and stupid and took the easy way out and his family paid the price. I didn’t get the impression he was a serial cheater, just someone who had cracked under pressure.

I would have trusted this guy, but in your shoes, if you are already sensitive about being cheated on this would be a deal breaker. Every moment unaccounted for would be stressful for you

People can change. However, although I would appreciate the honesty and not want to 'punish' for it. I would just be niggled by the explanation. Firstly, his ex drove him to cheat (when he should have been increasing support he let her and his child down) Secondly, A temptress relentlessly targeted him until he gave in.
Although he appears to be taking responsibility for past actions, his explanation is peppered with why, essentially, it's not really his fault. Or that is how it seems.

So his wife was struggling through depression and coping with a newborn, and his dick fell into a woman he didn't want to sleep with?

F*ck that for a game of soldiers.

I wouldn’t, not in these circumstances. It’s not even about whether he would necessarily cheat again. What kind of person reacts to the woman they are supposed to love and cherish struggling with her mental health after pregnancy and the birth of his child by sticking his dick in the first woman he comes across? You can do better.

Hmm. On one hand he has been open and honest, not tried to hide anything. I also don’t believe that people can’t change.

HOWEVER. Has he told you this so that when he cheats if you guys have a fight/ go through a rough patch, he can shrug and say you knew what his triggers were and it’s your fault? Also, I don’t have kids but everyone I know went through a rough patch after having them. Rather than support his wife and try to work through it, he went elsewhere for sex.

It would be a no from me, but if you decide to go on the date and see what he’s like, watch out for any other red flags.

You've chatted online & not yet met. Do yourself a massive favour & disengage now before you get too invested.

you won't find out he hasn't changed until he's challenged in some way, then it's too late.

Go fishing.

Not a bloody chance, if he can cheat in this wife with PND and his child then he will cheat again, they always do!

He's told you because he knows you will likely find out some other way later down the line.

Absolutely not.

One thing I learned is that a true victim will describe how things made them feel. The perpetrators will not and they will blame everyone else. He is blaming everyone else here. He never once said how his wife's PND made him feel. He only described her actions ( distant, snappy, physically shut down).

He went to the woman's house to tell her to stop. Omg. Get real.

There is so much wrong here. He is not genuine at all. I would ditch him now.

The fact he told you right up front before you were hooked is a good sign that maybe he is genuine in it being out of character etc
I personally believe that cheating is more often a bad character failing but can be human frailty, and regretted never to be done again.
So not an automatic no.
But if you have this in your history and are already hurt by similar it would be reasonable but to want to get involved and find out the hard way, or just not want the worry.

I think I'd be clear that you really appreciate the honesty and that goes in his favour and that though he regrets what he did, it is sad but fair that one of the consequences of his actions is casting doubt in himself in future. Tell him if he is to put it behind him, openness is the best start, but he now needs someone willing to take a chance and you are/aren't (delete as applicable) that person.

Agree with @anareen the going to her house to tell her to stop does not hold water at all

My first reply was more in general, is a cheater an automatic no, I don't think so necessarily, but this part is definite red flag

It wouldn’t matter to me if he could change or not, the fact you’ve gone through similar- if you date him you’re officially dating men who have form for this sort of thing. This is aside from the thought of his justification-no matter how sorry he is, he’s basically saying my wife had it tough which was tough for me and a woman made me do it. Really feel for his ex wife.

No fucking way.

His wife goes through hell after giving birth to their child and instead of putting everything he has into supporting her, he waa-waas off to get his ego stroked and his dick wet? And he tells that story with himself as the victim in it? The helpless victim of a callous wife and an evil temptress with him all helpless and vulnerable?

Gets his version in pdq, tries his best to sound like the victim and still ends up doing nothing more than telling you he's a selfish whiny man child who can't take responsibility for his own choices.

Nah. That's not a man worth having.

No, I wouldn't pursue this, he's told you now because if it pans out you'll find out eventually and he wants to know if it's a deal breaker for you before putting too much effort in. I guarantee this has happened before, he's not disclosed this because deep down he's a nice guy. Most of the story is bullshit anyway, she chased him, he went to her house to tell her to stop, all bullshit to excuse the fact he cheated on his partner who was home looking after his newborn, throw him back.

Went to her house to tell her to stop but accidentally fucked her.

If it wasn't so pathetic I'd laugh.

Thankyou all for your responses...

So many of you have highlighted what I was already thinking.

What I noticed from his story was that whilst he said he knew what he did was wrong he didn't really mention the impact of what he did on his ex-wife or give any real understanding of just how awful that would have been.

It also seems that he didn't confess but that it "all came out" which again, says something to me.

He seemed really persistent in wanting me to give him some kind of response about whether we would meet, saying he feels a connection and "thinks he could make me happy" (who says I'm not already 😃?!)

It all just feels too familiar to me ...

Oh heavens. That's love bombing at its finest. Block and delete!

And yes, as many of you said... I don't buy the whole going to her house to ask her to stop messaging. He said her messages had been so persistent he was scared to look at his phone. Surely you'd block her number?! Involve the police?! They had mutual friends so he could have asked one of them to intervene.

🙄🙄

Where's he living?
Nobody is more loving than a man who needs a place to live.
Where you do all the domestic stuff and wind up taking care of his kids too.

He's shown what he is capable of. However, people do make mistakes, depends if you want that hanging over you. Personally I wouldn't go there! it's not the best of starts....

He's got to find someone daft enough to put up with his bullshit so he tells his tale of woe and weeds out any woman who sees straight through it.

Eventually he'll find a women daft enough or with zero self respect who'll let him get her feet under her table.

I did yes, I fell for the she's just a jealous ex line, 5 years 2 kids later & now I'm the jealous, bitter ex apparently 🤷🏻‍♀️. He cheated multiple times,said our youngest son was a one night stand,we were together 4 years by then,he slept on the couch apparently(he didn't), he got someone pregnant while I was pregnant with our youngest 🤦🏻‍♀️(I found out after he had left) & he was cheating with his now partner for months & she was pregnant by him when he left,her second by him as she had previously lost a baby a few months previously which he missed his son's birthday for (I knew we were done then but continued for a few months). It's the same old story always the women's fault to why he cheated 🙄

@Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast he has his own place, from what I can gather ex-w stayed in the marital home and he has his own place.

I do get the impression that his finances are a little tight at the moment, this isn't a red flag in itself for me (life is tough for many at the moment!) but maybe it would explain his keenness to meet someone.