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Original poster

Would you date someone who cheated on their ex?

127 replies

dreamuntilitsyours · 31/08/2024 06:39

Name changed because this is outing, hoping for some MN wisdom!

I have been chatting to a guy I met online for around a week. He seems nice, quite keen etc...

Last night as we were finalising plans for our date tomorrow he said when we met he would like to give me a little more context about why he and his ex wife split. Alarm bells were ringing so I asked him to give a brief outline.

Anyway he went into the whole story. Basically he cheated. From what he said his ex wife had PND following a difficult pregnancy and birth of their daughter, she became distant/snappy/physically shut down...

This, straight away was a trigger for me as this is essentially a carbon copy of what my ex husband would say to justify his cheating on me.

He went on to say he met a woman on a night out who basically pursued him for ages, he claims he eventually went to her house to tell her to stop... and the inevitable happened. (Hmmmm!)

He did say he was genuinely remorseful, regrets it, would never do it again, it was totally out of character for him, nobody could believe he would do such a thing... etc

I told him trust is a huge issue for me and I needed some time to digest this news before I'd commit to meeting.

He sent a tonne of messages saying he hoped he didn't ruin anything and he wanted to be open with me and how he would never do anything like that before.

On one hand, I appreciate his honesty as he didn't have to share any of that, but on the other.. I can't help but wonder if this is a huge red flag?

I know my ex husband was a massive man child who couldn't deal with the fact I wasn't all over him immediately after having our children, and I never want to be in this situation again, nor condone it.

Thoughts please? Can people change?

OP posts:
RecycleMePlease · 31/08/2024 08:54

From hard won experience. No.

Doubly so because I'm sure that whatever he's told his current girlfriend about me is exactly what he told me about his previous girlfriend.

Waterboatlass · 31/08/2024 08:56

No. Can people change? Well maybe. Would I want to get with a cheat it I couldn't forgive the circs (extreme youth) extremely unlikely.

He was honest but that isn't enough. He told the story in a way that deflected blame in all angles. This suggests he has not yet come to the conclusion that the cheating was his fault. All of it. And so he hasn't changed.

I think he's a bad bet anyway because of this tendency to blame shift as well as cheat in heartbreaking circumstances. However especially so since you have past experience of infidelity. I'd do yourself a favour and move on.

I don't think he sounds that intelligent anyway as he assumes you can't see through his hard luck story. Why would a woman not sympathise more with a new mum experiencing PND than her husband not getting any, and also why would a married man going to another woman's house to turn her down cut any mustard? It doesn't even sound a very true story tbh.

Original poster
dreamuntilitsyours · 31/08/2024 09:01

So before I had messaged him to cancel the date he messaged to ask how I was and to say he'd slept terribly.

I replied saying I was fine but that I felt we shouldn't meet, that I appreciated his honesty but that it all felt a little too close to home and it wouldn't be fair on either of us to potentially enter into something where there's doubts hanging, and trust is a big thing for me.

I'm now getting paragraphs of messages saying how disappointed he is, how he'd got me a gift, how he is crying because he feels this big mistake he made is now defining him, and continuing to try and persuade me to meet or talk on the phone so he can explain...

I'm sticking to my guns, this all feels too heavy for what was meant to be a casual first date.

OP posts:
LottieMary · 31/08/2024 09:01

If he’s been a teenager then maybe as young people do stupid things, but under these circumstances no. He’s been with someone at the most vulnerable time of their life and instead of being a supportive partner he’s cheated

velvetcoat · 31/08/2024 09:02

You've done the right thing OP. What bothers me is the fact he's virtually blaming his ex for him cheating. It's like "well, she had PND and was withdrawn" so thats alright then is it? IF he had said "It was 100% my fault, my choice to cheat and I have regretted it ever since" then maybe I would feel differently but he seems to take no responsibility for it. His wife had PND, this woman "chased" him apparently etc so no personal responsibility there at all- the poor helpless lamb was virtually forced into cheating by two heartless women by his account. No. Just no.

Of course people "can" change but the way he describes it is obvious that he hasn't changed and it indicates there has been no change there whatsoever. Bullet dodged.

Coconutter24 · 31/08/2024 09:04

I’ve never believed once a cheat always a cheat for all cases, in some yes that is the way but not for everyone. Some people make mistakes, some people change

anareen · 31/08/2024 09:05

dreamuntilitsyours · 31/08/2024 09:01

So before I had messaged him to cancel the date he messaged to ask how I was and to say he'd slept terribly.

I replied saying I was fine but that I felt we shouldn't meet, that I appreciated his honesty but that it all felt a little too close to home and it wouldn't be fair on either of us to potentially enter into something where there's doubts hanging, and trust is a big thing for me.

I'm now getting paragraphs of messages saying how disappointed he is, how he'd got me a gift, how he is crying because he feels this big mistake he made is now defining him, and continuing to try and persuade me to meet or talk on the phone so he can explain...

I'm sticking to my guns, this all feels too heavy for what was meant to be a casual first date.

Goodness. Just block him. No amount of reason or explanation will do anything. You will just end up talking in circles with him. Him trying to convince you otherwise. Clearly no respect for you already and throws a fit when he doesn't get his way.

My gosh he is pathetic.

soberholic · 31/08/2024 09:05

Personally it's a 100% no from me.

The fact that he did it while she was ill with PND makes it all the worse too!

RootToVictory · 31/08/2024 09:07

More red flags than the Clock End.

Original poster
dreamuntilitsyours · 31/08/2024 09:07

soberholic · 31/08/2024 09:05

Personally it's a 100% no from me.

The fact that he did it while she was ill with PND makes it all the worse too!

Agreed.

I lived through the hell of PND and an unsupportive DH, and still have some of the after effects of it now. I just remember my brain being a complete panicked fog whilst trying to work out how to be a parent. It was the worst experience of my life, which is why his revelation has been so galling to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
dreamuntilitsyours · 31/08/2024 09:08

Messages still coming thick and fast...

OP posts:
Chocoholicnightmare · 31/08/2024 09:18

Oh my goodness. His response to your rejection is a huge red flag, never mind the rest! Have you seen Tindler Swindler? He sounds just like that guy! Thinking that him crying and the present will change your mind? You have dodged a bullet, OP! Please share his begging messages, it will be a lesson to us all (and entertaing). Hold your head up high xxx

Waterboatlass · 31/08/2024 09:20

He's still going? And it's all about him, by the sounds.

I'd put a stop to this OP and get about your day.

He made a serious betrayal when his wife was at a vulnerable point.

It wasn't a drunken mistake after his first year exams.

Not getting to meet a stranger is a very minor part of the consequences. He sounds self centred, histrionic and manipulative the way he's going on. Definitely block.

Fs365 · 31/08/2024 09:22

I’m dating a woman who cheated on her ex husband

not sure how many women readily admit to cheating, but I suspect it’s much higher than reported

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 31/08/2024 09:24

Tell him to leave you alone because you aren't interested in dating someone who instead of supporting his wife when she was struggling, went balls deep in another woman.

Projectme · 31/08/2024 09:28

Ooo time to block OP!

Chocoholicnightmare · 31/08/2024 09:34

Waterboatlass · 31/08/2024 09:20

He's still going? And it's all about him, by the sounds.

I'd put a stop to this OP and get about your day.

He made a serious betrayal when his wife was at a vulnerable point.

It wasn't a drunken mistake after his first year exams.

Not getting to meet a stranger is a very minor part of the consequences. He sounds self centred, histrionic and manipulative the way he's going on. Definitely block.

Exactly. It's all about him and now you're a challenge to pursue.

Waterboatlass · 31/08/2024 09:36

Fs365 · 31/08/2024 09:22

I’m dating a woman who cheated on her ex husband

not sure how many women readily admit to cheating, but I suspect it’s much higher than reported

It's not that people haven't necessarily.

I mean, this set of circs would put off a lot anyway, granted. But the kicker was the big weird confessional.

I mean, he would have had to tell a new partner eventually given the timings, it broke up a marriage. Problem was, hadn't figured a)how to do so appropriately and b) that the whole thing was his fault without mitigation so it became a shitshow of red flags before they'd even met.

Not sure how you've made this about women being less honest.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 31/08/2024 09:36

dreamuntilitsyours · 31/08/2024 09:01

So before I had messaged him to cancel the date he messaged to ask how I was and to say he'd slept terribly.

I replied saying I was fine but that I felt we shouldn't meet, that I appreciated his honesty but that it all felt a little too close to home and it wouldn't be fair on either of us to potentially enter into something where there's doubts hanging, and trust is a big thing for me.

I'm now getting paragraphs of messages saying how disappointed he is, how he'd got me a gift, how he is crying because he feels this big mistake he made is now defining him, and continuing to try and persuade me to meet or talk on the phone so he can explain...

I'm sticking to my guns, this all feels too heavy for what was meant to be a casual first date.

Blimey. That's not on. If he wants to wail and beat his chest about his mistakes haunting him he shouldn't be doing it to a woman he's never even met who he might have possibly got on well enough to consider a relationship with.

You've dodged a bullet there!

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 31/08/2024 09:38

And the emotional blackmail of throwing in guilt about a gift he bought... Which you neither asked for or expected and is very much not your responsibility is ridiculous.
He sounds like he has the emotional development of a stunted 13yo

BeckiWithAnI · 31/08/2024 09:39

I’m very much one of those “not all affairs are equal/they happen for different reasons” and came on expecting this to be one of those scenarios, but no, abandoning a woman suffering PND and at her most vulnerable is atrocious. The fact the same happened to you means you would never trust him, then as a result of this he’s trying to love bomb you and guilt you into giving him a chance (“I’ve bought you a gift, you are obligated to see me now!”), he just needs to get into the bin really. This man hasn’t changed. He’s as selfish now as he was when he shagged someone behind his ex’s back whilst she was at home with a new baby and her mental health in tatters.
Thank you, NEXT!

Box24L · 31/08/2024 09:40

The cheating wouldn’t bother me, it was once and I’m willing to give people chances. Mistakes are made and learned from.

But, the very obvious love bombing/manipulation (especially after cancelling - I mean, crying??) is a much, much bigger red flag. It’s like a bloody canopy 😂.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 31/08/2024 09:45

Absolutely right it's classic and unsubtle manipulation.

Designed to make female socialisation kick in. Be nice, be kind, put other people first, don't have boundaries, don't be mean, don't trust your instincts cos that's not nice...

MightyGoldBear · 31/08/2024 09:47

It would be a no from me.

The difference with people who actually change and those that say all the right words. Is the work.
What did he do to change the way he behaved? Therapy workbooks yoga meditation self help books it's different for everyone but there needs to be a level of accountability and some self growth. Why did he do the things he did without blaming others or a situation and what has he put in place so he doesn't do them again? What did he learn about himself?

Jonisaysitbest · 31/08/2024 09:48

He hasn't ruined his chances of another partner at some stage but he does need to do some serious work on himself so that he can see his cheating behaviour from all angles rather than something that wasn't his fault.

If you were feeling kind you could send him a message suggesting this before you block him and forget him.
Or you could just block him and move on....