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Original poster

Would you date someone who cheated on their ex?

127 replies

dreamuntilitsyours · 31/08/2024 06:39

Name changed because this is outing, hoping for some MN wisdom!

I have been chatting to a guy I met online for around a week. He seems nice, quite keen etc...

Last night as we were finalising plans for our date tomorrow he said when we met he would like to give me a little more context about why he and his ex wife split. Alarm bells were ringing so I asked him to give a brief outline.

Anyway he went into the whole story. Basically he cheated. From what he said his ex wife had PND following a difficult pregnancy and birth of their daughter, she became distant/snappy/physically shut down...

This, straight away was a trigger for me as this is essentially a carbon copy of what my ex husband would say to justify his cheating on me.

He went on to say he met a woman on a night out who basically pursued him for ages, he claims he eventually went to her house to tell her to stop... and the inevitable happened. (Hmmmm!)

He did say he was genuinely remorseful, regrets it, would never do it again, it was totally out of character for him, nobody could believe he would do such a thing... etc

I told him trust is a huge issue for me and I needed some time to digest this news before I'd commit to meeting.

He sent a tonne of messages saying he hoped he didn't ruin anything and he wanted to be open with me and how he would never do anything like that before.

On one hand, I appreciate his honesty as he didn't have to share any of that, but on the other.. I can't help but wonder if this is a huge red flag?

I know my ex husband was a massive man child who couldn't deal with the fact I wasn't all over him immediately after having our children, and I never want to be in this situation again, nor condone it.

Thoughts please? Can people change?

OP posts:
WhereIsMyDaughter · 31/08/2024 07:09

I cheated on my ex. The dynamics were toxic and he was abusive. It doesn't excuse what I did of course but I admit that I didn't know how to handle the situation.

I'm now married to a wonderful man and we have been together for over 10 years. I have never cheated and would never in a million years as I love him too much and I've grown up.

Yes, people can definitely change without a doubt.

Jonisaysitbest · 31/08/2024 07:15

Of course people can change but I think the key thing here is that his attitude to what he did hasn't changed. He is basically saying that his cheating was justified and he wasn't at fault rather than showing you he understands and regrets the impact of what he did.

I think if I were you I wouldn't pursue anything with him because of this, especially with your previous experience.

Left · 31/08/2024 07:21

It would put me off. What a weird convo to bring up 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn’t assume that any of this is open and honest, from bitter dating experience I think this is likely to be a glossed over version.

Big old nope from me.

CLola24 · 31/08/2024 07:48

Surely if he's willing to do that to someone he made vows to, who carried his child and was at an incredibly vulnerable stage in life and needed his support, he'd be likely to do it to someone new?

brimfulofpacha · 31/08/2024 07:55

Nope. I do believe people who've made mistakes generally can change if they actually engage in the consequences of their actions, take responsibility, seek to better understand their motivations and do work in therapy about the choices they made. But I don't think I would ever 100% trust a cheater to have changed - particularly not one who was still trotting out excuses about a terrible seductress who they just happened to be pursued by and they just had to have sex with after being scared to look at his phone. Wtf! Total BS. Especially not one who had withdrawn from their struggling wife and new child, too triggering with exactly what my ex did, although his was emotional not physical, but the result for me and my children was the same. Throw him back OP.

stayathomer · 31/08/2024 07:55

Fridaysgirl17

so sorry and huge hugs, as someone said not a man worth having x

Funderthighs · 31/08/2024 07:57

It’s a “no” from me.

DanceMumTaxi · 31/08/2024 08:03

I would stay well away from this one. He cheated because his wife wasn’t all over him the minute he walked through the door. Too much of an ego and too little compassion for me. I’d put an end to it now before it’s really even got going.

DatingDinosaur · 31/08/2024 08:06

I wouldn't continue it. He volunteered this information about why he cheated? He's either using you as an unpaid therapist so he can get it off his chest and ease his guilty conscience or seeing if you'll stick around knowing that he can't keep it in his pants.

theduchessofspork · 31/08/2024 08:07

He went on to say he met a woman on a night out who basically pursued him for ages, he claims he eventually went to her house to tell her to stop... and the inevitable happened. (Hmmmm!)

Noooo. He’s not even a good liar. Walk away.

No one needs a thick cheat.

wafflesmgee · 31/08/2024 08:08

Depends on the circumstances, but from what you have said, no. Run a mile. And tell him why. His poor ex.

daisychain01 · 31/08/2024 08:09

Anyone so ungracious as to give you the gory details of his sordid goings on behind his wife's back and including the excuses about her being to blame is an utter vile twat.

I wouldn't entertain giving him the time of day.

daisychain01 · 31/08/2024 08:12

dreamuntilitsyours · 31/08/2024 07:02

And yes, as many of you said... I don't buy the whole going to her house to ask her to stop messaging. He said her messages had been so persistent he was scared to look at his phone. Surely you'd block her number?! Involve the police?! They had mutual friends so he could have asked one of them to intervene.

🙄🙄

he was being pestered because he was such a catch, dontcha know. Poor lamb, it must have been so intimidating for him, yawn.

Galoop · 31/08/2024 08:14

I would in this situation as it sounds like anyone with a newborn the wife was exhausted and he was a shit husband and father not doing his bit.
In general my views on affairs are that these things can happen and once a cheater, isn't always a cheater. This guy just sounds like a piece of shit, so I'd run a mile.

Galoop · 31/08/2024 08:15

Whatineed · 31/08/2024 06:51

So his wife was struggling through depression and coping with a newborn, and his dick fell into a woman he didn't want to sleep with?

F*ck that for a game of soldiers.

Yep

Channellingsophistication · 31/08/2024 08:18

I’d give this guy a miss frankly. Good he was honest but he’s telling you that instead of supporting his wife with a newborn he sought intimacy elsewhere.

If you go on a date with him arent you telling him that cheating is acceptable to you in certain circumstances…?

Almostwelsh · 31/08/2024 08:19

Not in this situation. I might if the man had been very young when it happened and he wasn't in a solid relationship with children and he had subsequently grown up.

But what you're describing, definitely not. It's really low to cheat on a woman who has a new baby.

He's putting it out there now to get his version across before you hear it from someone else.

BunsenBurnerBaby · 31/08/2024 08:19

Agree with PP: the issue here is less the cheating and more how he positions himself in the story. Throw this one back. To take on a cheater, the what happened and why needs to show something better than this one does.

Original poster
dreamuntilitsyours · 31/08/2024 08:24

You're all right, Thankyou for reaffirming what I was already thinking.

The number of times I've thought to myself (regarding my ex-husbands various new girlfriends over the years) "how can she be with a man knowing he would treat his wife of x years and children like that?"... I have never truly forgiven my ex husband for abandoning me and prioritising his di*k when I needed him most.

So, it wouldn't feel right for me to effectively start something up with someone who did something pretty much identical.

I'm going to message him now to cancel the date. Will keep you informed.

OP posts:
Humanswarm · 31/08/2024 08:25

I don't dismiss the fact that people can change, lots of people make idiotic mistakes when younger also, but the fact is, you will always just have his side of the story.
Regardless, the question is whether if you take a chance on him, can you actually put this aside as a regretful mistake of his, and totally trust him to take care of you emotionally and, even when the going gets tough ( life can be rotten at times for all of us), and trust that he will stick by you, and not seek external validation elsewhere, justifying it by saying, 'we were going through a bad time'. He may never cheat again, of course. But can you live with the insecurity? If you can't 100% put that aside, then the relationship is doomed isn't it?

ShillyShallySherbet · 31/08/2024 08:27

I couldn’t. If I really wanted to be with someone who had done that to their previous partner then I would make sure that I never made myself vulnerable in that relationship as it’s clear they can’t handle that. I wouldn’t be able to trust them to stick with me through thick and thin and that for me isn’t a relationship worth having.

solocyote · 31/08/2024 08:27

Nope. Not necessarily as a general answer but I would not date this guy.

This is the kind of person who cheats on you when you have PND and a newborn - the most vulnerable ever where he was needed more than ever. There's no teamwork there. No getting through it together to come out the other end.

When things get bad he cheats. It's ok sounding "remorseful" when you're faced with the prospect of a new partner who you'll be having lots of fun and sex with.

He's there for the easy times but not the hard ones. That's on top of everything already mentioned in this thread.

DurhamDurham · 31/08/2024 08:32

So his wife was struggling through depression and coping with a newborn, and his dick fell into a woman he didn't want to sleep with

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Jonisaysitbest · 31/08/2024 08:33

dreamuntilitsyours · 31/08/2024 08:24

You're all right, Thankyou for reaffirming what I was already thinking.

The number of times I've thought to myself (regarding my ex-husbands various new girlfriends over the years) "how can she be with a man knowing he would treat his wife of x years and children like that?"... I have never truly forgiven my ex husband for abandoning me and prioritising his di*k when I needed him most.

So, it wouldn't feel right for me to effectively start something up with someone who did something pretty much identical.

I'm going to message him now to cancel the date. Will keep you informed.

If you haven't truly forgiven your ex for his behaviour then I think it could be quite damaging for you to enter into this relationship and not really fair on this man either, even though he isn't sounding great anyway and probably doesn't deserve your time.

Sounds like you would be better finding someone where cheating is not part of their past history - at least not them doing the cheating anyway.

Good luck x

IkeaMeatballGravy · 31/08/2024 08:46

We would have lost me when he said he was going out on the piss leaving his depressed wife and new baby at home. I bet the night he met the OW wasn't the first time he was out.

I'm concerned you had to ask on Mumsnet instead of blocking him straight away OP.

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