Would you date someone who cheated on their ex?

[dreamuntilitsyours]

Name changed because this is outing, hoping for some MN wisdom!

I have been chatting to a guy I met online for around a week. He seems nice, quite keen etc...

Last night as we were finalising plans for our date tomorrow he said when we met he would like to give me a little more context about why he and his ex wife split. Alarm bells were ringing so I asked him to give a brief outline.

Anyway he went into the whole story. Basically he cheated. From what he said his ex wife had PND following a difficult pregnancy and birth of their daughter, she became distant/snappy/physically shut down...

This, straight away was a trigger for me as this is essentially a carbon copy of what my ex husband would say to justify his cheating on me.

He went on to say he met a woman on a night out who basically pursued him for ages, he claims he eventually went to her house to tell her to stop... and the inevitable happened. (Hmmmm!)

He did say he was genuinely remorseful, regrets it, would never do it again, it was totally out of character for him, nobody could believe he would do such a thing... etc

I told him trust is a huge issue for me and I needed some time to digest this news before I'd commit to meeting.

He sent a tonne of messages saying he hoped he didn't ruin anything and he wanted to be open with me and how he would never do anything like that before.

On one hand, I appreciate his honesty as he didn't have to share any of that, but on the other.. I can't help but wonder if this is a huge red flag?

I know my ex husband was a massive man child who couldn't deal with the fact I wasn't all over him immediately after having our children, and I never want to be in this situation again, nor condone it.

Thoughts please? Can people change?

His behaviour is very concerning. Crying and begging you to meet for a first date is really bizarre behaviour.

At very best shows he has some real attachment issues and will not be able to form a healthy relationship and at worst sounds like love bombing and manipulation.

Remember that if someone is so into you when they barely know you, they are not interested in you. You could be anyone. They are just interested in someone.

Block him, and find someone who takes time to actually get to know you as once they like you you know they actually like you.

Ps don't shed any tears for him OP, I bet by this time next week he's obsessed with someone else.

Sounds like an absolute nutter.

So I used to disclose my cheating very early on. This is because I realised that it was a deal breaker for some people, which is fair enough.
So I think the fact that he was up front and honest about it us a plus. However, the way he has described it does hint of a "not me but her" mentality and that is a red flag.
I cheated, I absolutely regret my actions and I would give everything to turn back time. I also understand why I did it and what led me to it. I'm not proud of what I did and I accept my responsibility 100pc. If he is not saying any of these words then he hasn't worked on himself post affair. This is essential. I believe people can change but they only change with effort. You have to put the work in to become a changed person. So I'd steer clear OP

Sorry just seen your updates- yes he seems very wierd about it all !

'Thanks for letting me know, it was nice talking to you but I really can't involve myself with someone who is capable of inflicting so much pain and trauma on another human. Take care.'

He’s revealing himself in his response to the rejection. This is who he is🫠

The thread title is “Would you date someone who cheated on their ex?”

that is a how long is a piece of string question really and depends so much on the circumstances of the situation etc etc. ( really crazy in this situation)

the woman I’m dating cheated on her ex H & I know of 2 other women who are currently having an affair as well.

whilst I realise the question is really pointed as women saying would you date a men who cheated?, it could / should equally apply to men ( and women), as in would you date a woman who has cheated, back to my point about women being less honest about infidelity, I’m don’t think that women would be happy if men ( or women) decided not to date because of previous relationship infidelity, so yes I think women less honest about there own cheating

He’s as mad as a bag of frogs - block him and report him to 111.

Not 111 the online police thing - honestly he’s bonkers / you owe him nothing

Time to reply one last time saying "stop messaging me now. you're making yourself look like a fool and any sympathy I had for your situation has now gone. I won't be reading or replying to any more of your messages".

And then block him.

Gifts and paragraphs of messages before a first date? Well he's shown his true colours now hasn't he?

Guilting you into meeting up because he bought you, a person he doesn't even know in real life, a gift that you didn't ask for?

Block his number, and block his dating profile.

I think cheaters have a personality flaw - lack of empathy, main character syndrome etc. It seems all too easy for them to give glib reasons for what happened.

Ask yourself, what would it have taken for you to break your husband/partner's heart? Am guessing it would have taken a lot more than that, assuming you never cheated. That says a lot to me.

Absolutely not. He sounds vile.

So he told you about it and expressed remorse - that's good.

But he then gave you the same excuses he gave his wife - he still is not taking responsibility for it - that's really bad.

Of course people can change, and of course people learn from mistakes. I don't buy into the simplistic and dull MN trope of Once a cheater, etc.

But he's still lying about the affair and his role in it? Instant dump.

Why did he feel the need to go into so much (unsavoury) detail before you've even met?

Surely that's a 4/5th date conversation.

Feels like he's setting you up, so that when he cheats, he can say "I told you who I was before we even met! You were fine with it!"

Nah.

Yup. He's not a stayer is he.

I do believe people can be remorseful for their actions and change but only if he takes full responsibility and holds himself accountable for his actions. Him trying to justify why he cheated so he doesn’t seem like the bad guy would annoy me more than the actual cheating. There are many reasons why people are unfaithful but trying to shift the blame his ex just wouldn’t cut it for me he’s just trying to ease his own guilt.

If he’d just said that he had cheated, took responsibility for his actions and felt true remorse, you might consider him.
But as he’s used all the classic excuses to blame the victim, it sounds more like he’s just getting the inconvenient truth out of the way so he can crack on with you.
I wouldn’t continue this.

6 messages I didn't reply to and then he messaged again to say he would still be going to the place we had planned to meet at the agreed time and he hoped I'd have a change of mind and meet him there.

Won't be happening!

That sorry story would massively give me the ick. I wouldn't be turning up to the next date.

@LynetteScavo I haven't met him yet, the first date was planned and he told me this over text.

Date yes. Marry no.

This. Hard pass.

Well at least he can use the ‘stood up’ line tonight and pick up some unsuspecting woman 😬 Good decision OP.