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Original poster

Would you date someone who cheated on their ex?

127 replies

dreamuntilitsyours · 31/08/2024 06:39

Name changed because this is outing, hoping for some MN wisdom!

I have been chatting to a guy I met online for around a week. He seems nice, quite keen etc...

Last night as we were finalising plans for our date tomorrow he said when we met he would like to give me a little more context about why he and his ex wife split. Alarm bells were ringing so I asked him to give a brief outline.

Anyway he went into the whole story. Basically he cheated. From what he said his ex wife had PND following a difficult pregnancy and birth of their daughter, she became distant/snappy/physically shut down...

This, straight away was a trigger for me as this is essentially a carbon copy of what my ex husband would say to justify his cheating on me.

He went on to say he met a woman on a night out who basically pursued him for ages, he claims he eventually went to her house to tell her to stop... and the inevitable happened. (Hmmmm!)

He did say he was genuinely remorseful, regrets it, would never do it again, it was totally out of character for him, nobody could believe he would do such a thing... etc

I told him trust is a huge issue for me and I needed some time to digest this news before I'd commit to meeting.

He sent a tonne of messages saying he hoped he didn't ruin anything and he wanted to be open with me and how he would never do anything like that before.

On one hand, I appreciate his honesty as he didn't have to share any of that, but on the other.. I can't help but wonder if this is a huge red flag?

I know my ex husband was a massive man child who couldn't deal with the fact I wasn't all over him immediately after having our children, and I never want to be in this situation again, nor condone it.

Thoughts please? Can people change?

OP posts:
anareen · 31/08/2024 12:05

dreamuntilitsyours · 31/08/2024 11:52

6 messages I didn't reply to and then he messaged again to say he would still be going to the place we had planned to meet at the agreed time and he hoped I'd have a change of mind and meet him there.

Won't be happening!

Why don't you just block him?

ZeppelinTits · 31/08/2024 12:08

solocyote · 31/08/2024 09:48

His behaviour is very concerning. Crying and begging you to meet for a first date is really bizarre behaviour.

At very best shows he has some real attachment issues and will not be able to form a healthy relationship and at worst sounds like love bombing and manipulation.

Remember that if someone is so into you when they barely know you, they are not interested in you. You could be anyone. They are just interested in someone.

Block him, and find someone who takes time to actually get to know you as once they like you you know they actually like you.

This. With bells on.
His initial confession had some red flags in, but his behaviour since then is really ringing some alarm bells for me, he sounds like he could be very controlling, manipulative and toxic. Block and move on. Be thankful you have really genuinely dodged a bullet here.

Edingril · 31/08/2024 12:09

No because I have no desire to 'fix them' or mother them

Blubbled · 31/08/2024 12:27

anareen · 31/08/2024 06:53

Absolutely not.

One thing I learned is that a true victim will describe how things made them feel. The perpetrators will not and they will blame everyone else. He is blaming everyone else here. He never once said how his wife's PND made him feel. He only described her actions ( distant, snappy, physically shut down).

He went to the woman's house to tell her to stop. Omg. Get real.

There is so much wrong here. He is not genuine at all. I would ditch him now.

Well said!
The big red flag to me is he went to the woman's house "to tell her to stop"!! IMO that is absolute bilge, because if you want someone to leave you alone, REALLY want them to, you swerve them as much as you can! You don't go to their home!!
For thinking I'd swallow this crap on top on betraying his wife when she was so vulnerable, AND his baby, I would bin him!
I don't like the sound of him at all OP! Beware!!

Pettyhangingbaskets · 31/08/2024 12:30

Block him, manipulative man child painting himself as the victim
Fuck that

QueenMegan · 31/08/2024 13:23

No way.
The overly emotional poor me bs would be a red flag.
He admitted one to you. There will have been others
I'm experiencing many men who left their wife as she no longer wanted sex due to menopause my attitude is no you were probably just a cunt.
There's plenty more fish in the sea throw him back

Noclueatall45 · 31/08/2024 13:26

bringonyourwreckingball · 31/08/2024 06:51

I wouldn’t, not in these circumstances. It’s not even about whether he would necessarily cheat again. What kind of person reacts to the woman they are supposed to love and cherish struggling with her mental health after pregnancy and the birth of his child by sticking his dick in the first woman he comes across? You can do better.

Exactly this. Men like the above professed to love and cherish their previous partner and yet when they needed them the most postpartum, they decide to not only abandon them but cause them great pain the in the process. Not a good man, OP.

Original poster
dreamuntilitsyours · 31/08/2024 21:24

I thought I'd update as soon so many of you were kind enough to take the time to respond to my thread this morning.

I kept myself very busy this morning, went shopping and to the gym. In the meantime he messaged to say he had gone to our "meeting point" then two more messages to say how disappointed he was that I wasn't there and he wish he hadn't done that.

Bear in mind I had been clear I wasn't keen on meeting and had given no indication I'd go along.

Prior to this he seemed like a lovely guy, said all the right things, seemed to take a genuine interest in me and we appeared to want the same thing... but I'm glad I didn't go and I'm glad I knew in advance what he is capable of.

Thanks to you all for responding

OP posts:
AnotherExpatKiwi · 31/08/2024 21:29

I hope at this point you have messaged him to say no more contact please and then blocked him.

Regardless of the cheating stuff his response to you not meeting up is beyond ridiculous and time for you to run a marathon in the opposite direction.

Honest00lad · 31/08/2024 21:51

Yes. Because I'm still stupidly naive enough to believe they wouldn't do it to me.

Chocoholicnightmare · 31/08/2024 23:27

dreamuntilitsyours · 31/08/2024 21:24

I thought I'd update as soon so many of you were kind enough to take the time to respond to my thread this morning.

I kept myself very busy this morning, went shopping and to the gym. In the meantime he messaged to say he had gone to our "meeting point" then two more messages to say how disappointed he was that I wasn't there and he wish he hadn't done that.

Bear in mind I had been clear I wasn't keen on meeting and had given no indication I'd go along.

Prior to this he seemed like a lovely guy, said all the right things, seemed to take a genuine interest in me and we appeared to want the same thing... but I'm glad I didn't go and I'm glad I knew in advance what he is capable of.

Thanks to you all for responding

Again- it's all about him (what a shame for him that he turned up and you weren't there). This man love bombed you from the start (mirroring you so it felt like you both wanted the same/showering you with attention). You are worth so much better. Well done! X

User49 · 01/09/2024 01:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 01/09/2024 01:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Are you stupid?

soberholic · 01/09/2024 06:15

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 01/09/2024 01:41

Are you stupid?

Show quote history

Lol. There's honestly no other way to interpret it.

@User49 Mate you're welcome to sleep around. Just make sure there's no overlap.

Jonisaysitbest · 01/09/2024 07:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Oh please.
Why is it men have to invade every thread now with their nonsense?
The discussion here is specifically around cheating. Do keep up!

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 01/09/2024 07:20

In this case (cheating on a wife at home with a new baby and PND), no I wouldn't.

But I do believe people can change, so if someone said they cheated once when they were a lot younger then yes.

Waterboatlass · 01/09/2024 07:29

Straight question: why didn't you block when you'd cancelled the date and he kept going on? I don't believe in blocking everyone you don't work out with, but this guy was becoming a nuisance and that's what "block' is for

cjsxx · 01/09/2024 18:45

Absolutely would not get in a relationship with someone who cheated on the mother of their child whilst they were going through postnatal depression. Disgusting excuse of a man

Pointynoseowner · 01/09/2024 18:55

No never

H112 · 01/09/2024 18:59

Look at him saying he went there to make you feel guilty bet he didn't even go and bet ex wife didn't even have PND

sammylady37 · 01/09/2024 19:49

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 31/08/2024 06:56

Agree with @anareen the going to her house to tell her to stop does not hold water at all

My first reply was more in general, is a cheater an automatic no, I don't think so necessarily, but this part is definite red flag

It’s all a bit Andrew going to Epstein’s house to tell him they couldn’t be friends anymore, isn’t it?

sammylady37 · 01/09/2024 19:49

Waterboatlass · 01/09/2024 07:29

Straight question: why didn't you block when you'd cancelled the date and he kept going on? I don't believe in blocking everyone you don't work out with, but this guy was becoming a nuisance and that's what "block' is for

Exactly. This is absolutely calling out for the block button.

JerryHasSprungAgain · 01/09/2024 22:56

He's giving you way too much information about his personal life for someone you've only been chatting to for a week! How many questions has he asked you about yourself? If all his talk is about him, his ex and cheating - massive red flag.

No, I wouldn't date someone who told me they had cheated.

JerryHasSprungAgain · 01/09/2024 22:58

Way too heavy and his childish behaviour is beyond manipulative. Stop talking to him and thinking you need to give him reasons for not meeting. You don't. Cut him off now and he'll soon be playing the same game on someone else.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/09/2024 23:02

No bloody chance. Infidelity is my absolute red line. If you’re not happy with a partner, leave them first.