Partners family won’t accept me

[FlowerKL]

I met my partner at work last year. Our situation is slightly complicated in that he was married and his wife was pregnant. They ended up splitting up before the baby was born and we left things for a couple of months and then started seeing each other regularly once the baby was born.

The problem now is his family won’t accept me. He’s recently moved in with me and my son, but his parents won’t have anything to do with me and I’m not welcome.

I know the timing of us getting together is bad, I feel bad about it but we fell in love and they are now divorced.
I don’t know how to manage the situation, he was very close to his family. He is happy to support me and stay together, even if it means losing his family in the meantime. Will things settle over time? Is there anything that I can do to try to make amends?

You want it to be ok cause you love him, however it's hard to be accepted by in-law's with no negative history.
You need to leave it, the best you can do is make sure he stays involved with them. If you really love him you will see to it he doesn't fall out with them.

Honestly I don’t follow. I am not saying he followed any advice here.

You said ‘isn’t the advice to leave before you get with someone else’ I pointed out that the advice is usually, leave, divorce, sort yourself and your kids out first then revisit.

Not, break up and hold off shagging until your baby is born. There’s no version of the story, where the advice is leave, then start dating the other person as soon as you do. It definitely wouldn’t be advice anyone would give, given there’s a baby involved.

I never said she was responsible for his actions. She is responsible for her own. She is the other woman. You think this's came out of nowhere? Not crossing lines, no discussions. He left and then as soon as the baby was born then they realised they fancied eachother and started dating? Neither of them thinking it would be sensible for him to sort out his life co parenting. No lead up, no nothing?

I once 'fell in love' with a new guy at work. We would flirt and laugh and he made me feel wonderful. He invited me for drinks and it was then he told me he was married with a two year old and his wife was five months pregnant. He told me there was no love anymore between them and that 'they'd agreed' to split up once the new baby arrived, and that he desperately needed to be loved. Do you know what I did OP? I stood up and walked the fuck away!!! I avoided him like the plague at work, and guess what? It's a few years later and they now have three kids and are still married. Women who can convince themselves that 'love conquers all' in a situation like this are not only delusional but really shitty people. Do not get involved with a married man, no matter what they tell you, no matter what you feel. Save your affection for a single man. It's just the crappiest behaviour.

I’m saying I personally wouldn’t call it an ‘affair’ or call OP ‘the other woman’.

There was an attraction there. How that expressed itself I don’t know - OP says they didn’t cross any physical lines so I’ll take her word for it. I wasn’t there so I don’t know differently. OP met a man she liked who was married, but only began a relationship with a single man.

Did you really think it would be any different?

Of course you slept together before he left his pregnant wife you. No man leaves on the possibility of great sex- he'll be sure to confirm it beforehand!

You are also far too naive if you believe that a man who clearly has no respect for his ex, at her most vulnerable time, will treat you any better.

They don't like you and they won't like you. If if they become more tolerant over time, it will be surface level, you will always been seen as the woman who destroyed their relationship with their grandson.

You got the man you wanted. The consequences come with him.

Any man who leaves his pregnant wife was on the lookout for another woman for a long time. You showed up. I feel sorry for your son and your partners child. Good luck, OP.

Unless it's an Islamic marriage and divorce can be done and dusted in minutes?

She didn’t though

He was still married. That’s not single. But she admits she knows she was in the wrong. But she doesn’t care. Because she thinks she won a prize.

But that wasn’t the point I was addressing. again, you said ‘isn’t the advice to leave then start a relationship’.

I said it’s not. Especially, when there’s a pregnancy and baby in the situation. The advice is to leave, sort yourself, prioritise your children, get divorced, get used to coparenting then see if a relationship is still what you want.

The advice is ‘leave, don’t have an affair’. Is this followed up by additional advice as to waiting a longer time before moving on? Sure, but according to OP he had separated from his wife before they began their relationship. IMO that’s not an affair and she’s not ‘the other woman’. You obviously don’t have to agree.

She did meet a married man, yes. She started a relationship with a single one (not legally single, but one that had told his wife their relationship was over and would be formally ended at least).

You just opened up a vacancy

If he were my son I would be so disgusted with him I don't think I could look at him

And even if your affair wasn't physical you were still the reason he abandoned his wife and child

Look at it from the parents’ perspective.

Their son abandoned his very pregnant wife to chase after a coworker. He’s now living with her and HER child, playing happy family while his own wife and child are abandoned.

And you wonder why they don’t like you?

There’s no making amends for the destruction you two caused. His wife is having to forge a completely new life than what she’d planned as a single mother, and being tossed aside when she was incredibly vulnerable will have a massive impact on her life. Her child, when older, will learn that her father couldn’t keep it in his pants and tossed her aside before she was born. Her self worth will also be damaged and her trust in men screwed up. His parents, who were likely excited about their first grandchild have to deal with having raised someone capable of this level of selfishness and inflicting harm AND probably losing the chance of being involved grandparents.

And you’re wondering why things aren’t better after a year. You can’t destroy two generations of family and expect people to bounce back when the damage is ongoing.

• and by ‘you’ I mean the both of you

Yeah, I think you’re flogging a dead horse. As they see it, you and the boyfriend starting shagging while his wife was pregnant. He then left her, pregnant, for you. He then quickly moved in with you and your kid. They now hardly see the ex, who has understandably fled this shitshow.

They don’t like you and what you played a massive part in. You’re going to have to make your peace with that as it was your own doing.

The ex actually doesn’t have anything to do with the family anymore.

That is why they won’t ever like you.

I wish my exes family showed a shred of the morals his do.
Why would they want to be involved with the other woman.
Why did you move a man in with your child that you'd only been with a few months (like my ex did?) it's so strange. I wouldn't want my son living with a new boyfriend of mine.

Does baby come and do overnights at your house!? What does your child think about their new step dad and step sibling?

No she won’t allow the baby to come to us overnight. She won’t let him have her for more than a few hours at a time. My son gets on with him well and enjoys spending time with the baby too.

I understand what you mean about the morals. My ExH left me for the OW in the September. My MIL was furious with both of them but by Christmas it was all smiles again and they all spent Christmas dinner together.

@JessiesHuman yes my ex MIL too

@FlowerKL speaking from the pregnant woman who was left perspective, it is so so so painful to have the man that abandoned you pregnant playing happy families with a new little family and your baby being taken into it. So be as kind and take things as slowly as you can as there is no pain in the world like being adandoned while pregnant by the person who was meant to be supporting you. Encourage him to be as supportive generous (with time money and attitude) as possible to her.

As pp have said though I'm
Sure by this time next year your new boyfriend's family will be used to you.

Also, if it’s his first baby she may not trust him
to know how to look after the baby.

Despite DD being our third child, when she first stayed over with the ExH and the OW
he berated me for not providing a Moses basket. DD3 was nearly 10mths old 🤦‍♀️

Also, the thought of those two playing happy families with my baby made my blood boil.

it was only later that I wanted to thank her for taking a completely selfish prick off my hands.

Why has your son met his baby?
As for contact with the baby it should be little and often with no overnight until atleast 18 months to 2 years, and you should not be involved at all the time is for dad and baby to get a bond not for you to play happy families with a child whose home you wrecked before she was even born. Back off from this man before you fuck your sons life up as badly as you have that poor babies

No she won’t allow the baby to come to us overnight. She won’t let him have her for more than a few hours at a time. My son gets on with him well and enjoys spending time with the baby too

I don’t think you have the slightest inkling of the devastation you have wreaked in this woman’s life.

She’s lost the man she loved, the future she thought she was going to have, her financial security, her happiness and you think she’s being unreasonable because she’s clinging on to her baby. The baby’s all she’s got left. You need to back right off. This is between him and her.

Well look, none of us know how his previous relationship was. Some are posting as though they were blissfully happy together until OP chimed in and stole the daddy. Maybe they were. I don't know. But neither do any of you. OP doesn't even know.

OP - I hope for everyone's sake this is the 'special love that could not be denied' that you think it is. It takes some gall to walk away from your pregnant partner to pursue a relationship with another woman. Will you ever be able to wholeheartedly trust him? You already know what he's able for.

As for his parents, well yep...like people here are saying...they expected a grandchild. Instead their son is living with someone else's. Your special love isn't going to cut it with them anytime soon.

Totally agree with @HeddaGarbled