Page 12 | Partners family won’t accept me

FlowerKL · 2024-08-29T08:35:48+00:00

I met my partner at work last year. Our situation is slightly complicated in that he was married and his wife was pregnant. They ended up splitting up before the baby was born and we left things for a couple of months and then started seeing each other regularly once the baby was born. The problem now is his family won’t accept me. He’s recently moved in with me and my son, but his parents won’t have anything to do with me and I’m not welcome. I know the timing of us getting together is bad, I feel bad about it but we fell in love and they are now divorced. I don’t know how to manage the situation, he was very close to his family. He is happy to support me and stay together, even if it means losing his family in the meantime. Will things settle over time? Is there anything that I can do to try to make amends?

CelestialNexus · 31/08/2024 14:28

Our situation is slightly complicated in that he was married and his wife was pregnant

Slightly complicated.....

Fififafa · 31/08/2024 14:38

Are you not worried about your own DC and the fact that this Prince amongst men, could walk out on you and mess him up? Talk about low standards!
He has form, so you could have taken this “relationship” slower and not allowed him to move in so quickly. Not surprised that his family want nothing to do with you. You haven’t exactly covered yourself in glory here. As the song goes “Same way that they come is the way they go”.

hotpotlover · 31/08/2024 14:39

I've never been attracted to men with pregnant wives at home. It's kind of yuck.

InterIgnis · 31/08/2024 14:57

Rapturous · 31/08/2024 14:21

In fairness, while you may be right, the OP has been extremely cagey about what actually happened after they’d met at work, and before her now-partner left his pregnant wife.

She says ‘nothing happened’ until after he’d left his wife and the baby had been born, but it’s not clear what that means, exactly. No sex? No kissing? No telling one another they were attracted? No explicit or implicit signals or promises that, if he were single, she’d be up for a relationship?

It’s actually an interesting question, given how often people say about affairs on here ‘Ok, you’ve fallen out of love with your spouse, and had your head turned by someone else, but at last have the decency to leave him or her before you start a new relationship’ — this, it seems, if we believe the OP, is exactly what this man did. He didn’t cheat, he ended his marriage while expecting a baby with his ex-wife, and only after they’d separated, started a new relationship.

Would this have been OK if not for the pregnancy? Given the pregnancy, should he have stayed with his wife for some extended period after the birth? How long? How culpable is the OP if she didn’t have sex with a married man, just told him that if he were single, she’d be interested? We’re perhaps more used to the narrative of the married man who tells his affair partner he’s going to leave and never does. This one did.

I say this in full sympathy for his ex-wife, who was left in an appalling position.

Show quote history

I find ‘emotional affair‘ to be a very nebulous and catch-all concept tbh. ‘No, I may be attracted to you but you’re married’ isn’t an unreasonable thing to say to someone imo, but that’s enough for some to label it an affair. She was a single woman that got with a separated, single, man, yet she’s being told that him leaving is her fault and it/was on her to send him back to his wife, as if he didn’t/doesn’t get a say in the matter.

We can only go on what OP said - that there wasn’t sexual contact/a relationship until he ended his marriage. She may or may not be telling the truth, but not believing her doesn’t mean there’s evidence to construct the narrative that they were having an affair and presenting it as fact. Not that that will stop people doing it.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 31/08/2024 14:57

I may have missed it, but what I would like to know is where is the father of The OPs son? Does he have any opinion about the introduction of a new boyfriend into his son’s life? Or has he just legged it….

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 31/08/2024 15:09

My advice would be to post again tomorrow and pretend you're his sister struggling to get over how you and he dropping this bomb into the family has affected how you get on. In a similar thread the OP was told to get over it now the new woman was in the picture.

Or don't. I think this has been a car crash and having been together less than a year and moving him in when he has a newborn and you have a child is a really stupid move, and if he was my son I would seriously struggle to look you in the eye and have a conversation.

No matter how you swing it, your (collective) behaviour was disgraceful and you might never be able to heal the rift in his family.

Findinganewme · 31/08/2024 15:11

As a mother, I would be absolutely heartbroken to know that my son left his pregnant wife for another woman. I’d like to feel that my son would be a better man, than to leave before his child is even born or to hurt the mother of his child in such a situation. I could not even pretend to support this. It would be just awful to know that their son doesn’t live with his own child, won’t be a daily part of his own child’s life, but someone else’s.

if I were you, I’d back up. His family probably don’t know what to do, or which way to go. If I were them, I’d just be there to support the ex and their own grandchild.

Nanny0gg · 31/08/2024 15:14

Frogpole · 30/08/2024 03:59

@FlowerKL I'm truly sorry for the way these people are treating you here. With your situation there really isn't anything at all you can do to speed the process up, and trying to force it is likely to make things worse not better. Best thing to do is resign yourself to the fact that this is gonna take a while, be humble, keep your head down, and above all be consistent with your partner (he needs to do the same!) and your new blended family. Sooner or later his family will see how much happier he is with you, and they'll start to warm to you, open up to you, and sooner or later you'll become a part of the family just like everyone else :)

Wouldn't if he were my son

Do you not have any sympathy for the wife and child he abandoned?

And please don't apologise on my behalf

I stand with everything I've said

Nanny0gg · 31/08/2024 15:17

Guavafish1 · 30/08/2024 06:09

You’re getting horrible message from some twisted first wife’s.

I would ignore them.

The circumstances surrounding the start of your relationship will have upset the family’s. However, you have to give people time to process and adjust to the situation.

I'm not a 'first' wife

I'm the only one.

And I'm not the horrible one in this situation

Rapturous · 31/08/2024 15:36

InterIgnis · 31/08/2024 14:57

I find ‘emotional affair‘ to be a very nebulous and catch-all concept tbh. ‘No, I may be attracted to you but you’re married’ isn’t an unreasonable thing to say to someone imo, but that’s enough for some to label it an affair. She was a single woman that got with a separated, single, man, yet she’s being told that him leaving is her fault and it/was on her to send him back to his wife, as if he didn’t/doesn’t get a say in the matter.

We can only go on what OP said - that there wasn’t sexual contact/a relationship until he ended his marriage. She may or may not be telling the truth, but not believing her doesn’t mean there’s evidence to construct the narrative that they were having an affair and presenting it as fact. Not that that will stop people doing it.

Show quote history

I’m not necessarily disbelieving the OP at all, I’m just interested in what exactly people think she’s done wrong if in fact nothing happened other than her saying ‘Yes, I’d date you if you were available’.

Emmz1510 · 31/08/2024 15:38

Nothing happened while they were together? Not sexually maybe, but clearly you were forming an emotional bond and you were the reason he left his pregnant wife! And the pair of you sure as hell didn’t wait very long before becoming a couple. Probably while she was still in the throes of nightfeeds, mastitis, hormones and sleep deprivation. Urgh.

HRCsMumma · 31/08/2024 15:58

Christ, women like you and men like your Boyfriend are scum.

Your poor son.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 31/08/2024 16:26

FlowerKL · 29/08/2024 10:25

Yes she had the baby, they split up about 3 months before she was due. He doesn’t see her very much because despite want of trying - he has requested mediation to get more contact. He pays monthly maintenance.

He has only recently moved in - we’ve been together nearly a year.

So she wants to keep herself and her baby away from him. Not surprising after he left her for the OW (and no one is fooled by them leaving a couple of months gap).

She went through the trauma of being dumped during pregnancy, then childbirth and the sleepless nights etc with a newborn, all on her own. No wonder she’s not impressed by him wanting to play the loving father now that the baby’s old to be fun to play with and show off.

He is trying his hardest to be a good, involved dad to his daughter.
He really isn’t, OP!

InterIgnis · 31/08/2024 16:35

Rapturous · 31/08/2024 15:36

I’m not necessarily disbelieving the OP at all, I’m just interested in what exactly people think she’s done wrong if in fact nothing happened other than her saying ‘Yes, I’d date you if you were available’.

Show quote history

Oh, I didn’t mean that you did. Sorry, I didn’t phrase that well.

I think Op would be blamed even if she waited a year tbh. He was attracted to her and left his wife, there’ll always be those ready to hold her responsible for that.

Thirstysue · 31/08/2024 17:00

Boo hoo for you. That'll lern ya.

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 31/08/2024 17:01

However you dress it up, whether it was physical or an emotional affair, you still got involved with a daddy to be.

I know affairs etc happen for all kinds of reasons, and as an adult who isn't naive, I get it. I don't agree with it.

BUT she WAS pregnant!! That's a low move to make regardless of the drivel he fed to you.

The grandparents hardly see this new grandchild, and regardless of 'waiting for a few months' YOU played a part in that. You contributed to that.

This poor baby hasn't got much of a relationship with her dad, highly unlikely she ever will, and again, you played a part in that!

You have a son - how would you have felt if you'd been left for another woman during your pregnancy? (Apologies if this did happen to you)

You're making out that you burnt the toast by accident, you didn't, you burnt the house down!! I'm not sure that poor woman will ever get over the trauma of having a baby and to be abandoned by the man in her life. Poor poor woman.

If I was the parent of this man, I'd be absolutely furious, I wouldn't stop loving him but I wouldn't like him. Not only has this man committed the most lowest of actions he possibly could have, that child will not even have a relationship with its grandparents.

Sure. He was married, you were single, but you still played a part in THIS.

You literally cannot talk your way out of this or fix things.

I wouldn't accept you either - I'm aware enough to know that this stuff happens, but leaving a pregnant wife, how can you ever sleep near somebody like that who is capable of THAT?

And to move him in with your son......

My divorce took at last 18 months! So where's this magic divorce come from within a year??

You're also very naive if you think you've won the prize here, you haven't, but two children will pay the PRICE for this.

Pherian · 31/08/2024 17:15

I hope they never accept you. I cannot imagine his little baby growing up and having to see you present at family events with everyone acting like you and he are good people and your relationship is somehow acceptable.

Any misery that lands at your door from this relationship is deserved.

Just in you’re curious what your future hold - my ex husband’s father did something very similar as your fella. When we got married she was excluded from the wedding even though it had been 25 years. He forgave his dad to some extent, but not her. She was also excluded from everything else.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 31/08/2024 17:15

The only thing that will help is time OP. At the moment their scummy son has fucked up his marriage out of the blue and treated his ex wife and newborn child appallingly. You are someone who encouraged him to do this and now hes shacked up playing happy families with someone elses kid while he parents his own a few hours at a time.

There is absolutely no evidence your relationship with him will last, and you aren't exactly the kind of person they would choose to socialise with so there is no point them giving you the time of day at the moment.

As the years pass they may see you as more permanent but they know he could leave you any time, even if you get married, even if you get pregnant, hes shown you could be gone in an instant if he gets a better offer for sex.

The question is why is this what you want in a relationship?

MrsPassiveAggressive · 31/08/2024 17:52

I highly doubt a man would leave his pregnant wife for a woman he’s never slept with. Men don’t leave just for an emotional affair.

He was sleeping with his wife 6 months before they met and got her pregnant, he had feelings for her and decided to have a baby with her.

I don’t believe you. Did his wife find out about your sordid affair and the shit hit the fan? Did he leave her, or was he kicked out and went to your house?

Umidontknow · 31/08/2024 18:07

You say it like it was quite a small thing. If his ex has cut ties with his family they have lost their grandchild. You seem to think actions don't have consequences but they do and this may or may not last forever, but there is not anything you can do to force them to except you or forgive their son at this point. You will have to live with what you have both done.

Mugaloaf · 31/08/2024 18:23

So he left his pregnant wife for someone he had a connection with???

I'd be worried about what's going to happen the next time he has a connection with someone.

I would be very careful if I were you. He is not to be trusted.

Pumpkinpie1 · 31/08/2024 18:58

I’m not surprised they don’t want to know you OP. Your actions - and their sons have effectively cost them their relationship with their grandchild.

Your rose tinted glasses are well and truly on .
I feel very sad for the EX and her child , you both have really turned torpedoed her life

NiftyKoala · 31/08/2024 19:07

OP your son deserves better from you. This is a situation that will never work and you have your child in the middle of it. Who in a bit of time will be watching this guy leave you for the next new thing.

pinkyredrose · 31/08/2024 19:16

Our situation is slightly complicated in that he was married and his wife was pregnant

Slightly complicated? You don't say!

Skibidy · 31/08/2024 19:32

They dont accept you as youve pushed the mum of their grandchild out of the family and its bloody hard work to maintain a relationship with mum/child in this situation, especially if dad doesn’t see the child.

its not the ideal situation for your relationship and id be very careful you dont end up in his ex’s situation. He cheated on her with you, who knows if someone new starts at work/he starts another company and finds a “connection” 🙄 with somebody else, like he did you. You must be always on high alert surely, hes got form with no fucks given (leaving his heavily pregnant partner for another woman! Thats despicable/shocking and says what kind of man he is really)! Good luck 😂