Told my SIL that we had plans - then she asks my partner the same thing behind my back?

[sarahkeintong]

Long story short, its my husbands mums 80th birthday in a few weeks. We have plans to go and look at our wedding venue as thats the only day that would work after weeks of trying to plan. There is no plan for my husbands mums 80th and I wasn't even aware of this date. We have lots of his family events coming up and this was the weekend that we could do. Anyway, I told my SIL (his sister) about the dates we are going in chatty conversation, and she gave her opinion saying my fiance and her should be spending it with their mum, so i asked if there was a plan for the birthday as i wasn't aware, but we have limited time to view our venue and it needs to be done. She responded saying no plan but he SHOULD KNOW that he needs to spend it with his mum?

I feel really uncomfortable but I spoke with my fiance and he said don't worry, she hasn't got a say in what he does and he was fully aware it was his mums 80th birthday but there is not a plan and he sees his mum 5 times a week. I came away feeling really guilty for putting my foot down, but felt if she had an issue not to project that onto me but to speak to him.

Anyway, 2 days later, she text my fiance saying that she has made a plan for the mums birthday (LOL). My fiance replies saying he will be on his way home from the venue and doesn't know if he can make it and that was that.

I find this really sneaky, its like she didn't listen to a word I said, or didn't take it seriously. I am in two minds to text her about it but I really can't be bothered for more drama and clearly pointless conversation that isn't listened too. I was angry at my fiance but regret that because he at least didn't change our plans, but now im concerned he will be rushing back and she was trying to make him feel guilty as she did me.... AIBU? should my fiance of handled it differently, and said, well didn't you already know we won't be here?! He says he doesn't care to talk about it with me and I should speak to her..

I said wedding…

80th birthday trumps wedding venue. But can't you do both?

That’s interesting, so you don’t give a single shit if any of your family come to your wedding, fair enough,

YES!!! I text her saying we was busy and 2 days later made the plan! Lol

You did indeed,,

If people want to be there, great, if they don’t, they don’t. Honestly.

@sarahkeintong "Thanks. I’m in two minds. We did already have plans to take his mum to dinner that week."

Just randomly-since you didn't realise it was her birthday?🤔

Assuming this isn't a reverse.......At 80 this will probably be her last big birthday, you sound very selfish and bridezilla-ish.

Your fiancé is selfish. He should never have arranged anything on that day. If you didn't know about the date you can be excused to a degree but your response is selfish. I don't think your SIL did anything wrong in contacting her brother directly. She should have spoken to him rather than you in the first place.

Why does the wedding have to be six hours from where you live, @sarahkeintong?

so you think no one should be able to celebrate your MILs birthday because you two happen to be busy?

It's like you think she's chose that date to spite you, when that is their mums actual birthday! How dare she make plans for her mums 80th knowing you two are unavailable.

You are reading way too far into all of this.

I think his sister can contact and talk to her brother if she wants.
She can talk to him about their mum any time she likes, despite having spoken to you already. It's not going behind your back. She's his sister...she doesn't have to appear before you.

I’m reading into what she literally told me. What my partner SHOULD be doing and should be doing this. Shouldn’t she say that to him? But she won’t because he would tell her where to go.

You think a man who sees his mother 5 times a week doesn't like her?

If my brother's fiancé told me they were 'out of town' and that he was ok about that for our mother's 80th birthday, damn right I would check with him that this was true and had he got his priorities in order. Viewing a wedding venue is not more important, distance or otherwise, than a parents 80th birthday. Even if a plan had not been made at that point, he should have said that date wasn't going to work, and he should have been making plans for his mum, with his sister, not leaving it to her to sort out.

My DH organised a surprise party in a lovely restaurant for his DM’s 80th birthday and booked hotel accommodation and flights for us and the adult DC as we lived over 400 miles away. Just as well as she sadly died suddenly and very unexpectedly a few months later.

OP, I’d be disappointed if I was in your shoes and your fiancé hadn’t already got something special organised for his mum’s 80th, long before you started looking at wedding venues.

My ex used to leave everything to me which I initially thought was fine but eventually used to really annoy me as nothing fun happened unless I sorted it. If your fiancé doesn’t normally make much effort in planning and organising events, he’s not going to suddenly change and make any effort for you either!

Going against the grain but I think YANBU - if your SIL is anything like mine then this is her just trying to exert her control and dominance over her brother.

She knew you already had plans so shouldn’t have made arrangements on the same date - surely you can all do a family celebration a couple of days later? I personally don’t get adults insisting that their birthday celebrations absolutely must take place on their actual birthday.

She's allowed an opinion.

She thinks your partner should prioritise his mum's 80th, a lot of people on here (myself included) think he should prioritise his mum's 80th birthday, people are allowed to have opinions, she obviously said that to you because that is what she felt at the time, I think you should appreciate that she was honest in that moment with you, she's chosen to be more tactful when dealing with her brother, because 'she knows if she actually said that to him he'd tell her to fuck off' but that's up to her isn't it?

That intel came after I posted, and secondly, he's the one who is keen on visiting the venue not the birthday, so not sure what your point here is.

That’s what’s annoyed me though. Why be tactful! Why not be honest all round. Be honest with me what you think he should be doing, and be honest with him. Don’t pick and choose.

I think you've been given an unnecessarily hard ride on this thread, OP.

You and your fiance had your own plans with MiL to celebrate her birthday. She was happy with this. These plans didn't happen to include SiL. Is that what this pantomime is all about? Also note the far less histrionic responses from PPs upthread who actually are turning 80 and 60 respectively. In both cases the outlook is a lot more measured than those calling you a 'bridezilla' and telling you the world will stop turning if you don't capitulate to your SiL's wants. Note: SiL's wants. Not MiL's.

SiL did not need to approach you about this at all. She chose to do so, didn't like the response, and went on to confront your fiance. This implies she either disbelieved your word or did believe you but didn't care and wanted to undermine your responses.

It's good that your fiance has maintained a united front with you. This bodes well for the future as I suspect that with an sister-in-law like this, a united front is the least of what you'll need. Mumsnetters will usually tell you to steer clear of any man who doesn't have your back and who puts the demands of their family of origin before that of his new wife/family.

Incidentally, I'm a disinterested party as far as weddings are concerned because they bore me senseless. This notwithstanding, congratulations on your forthcoming marriage.

Selfish

I think it's clear that your DF would be wise to pick a side (ie you, OP) and be firm with his SIL about boundaries. He's the one causing this tug of love.

Having said that, I think it's pretty poor that he won't be seeing his DM on her 80th birthday. Personally, I think that's an occasion that trumps almost all else.

And it seems to me that OP and SIL are using this situation to mark their ownership/control of OP's DF.

I get what you mean about the texts being sneaky if she's messaged him as if she didn't know he already had plans. My mil has done similar, asking me a question and not liking the awnser so then she goes and innocently asks DH, as if we don't talk to each other, and it is annoying.

However I still think it is weird to plan to go and do something else on a day which you know will be your own mum's 80th birthday. That's more on your DH than you but it is a bit shit of him.

Did I miss why the OP is getting married at a venue that’s 6 hours way from where they all live?

Apologies if I did.