Told my SIL that we had plans - then she asks my partner the same thing behind my back?

[sarahkeintong]

Long story short, its my husbands mums 80th birthday in a few weeks. We have plans to go and look at our wedding venue as thats the only day that would work after weeks of trying to plan. There is no plan for my husbands mums 80th and I wasn't even aware of this date. We have lots of his family events coming up and this was the weekend that we could do. Anyway, I told my SIL (his sister) about the dates we are going in chatty conversation, and she gave her opinion saying my fiance and her should be spending it with their mum, so i asked if there was a plan for the birthday as i wasn't aware, but we have limited time to view our venue and it needs to be done. She responded saying no plan but he SHOULD KNOW that he needs to spend it with his mum?

I feel really uncomfortable but I spoke with my fiance and he said don't worry, she hasn't got a say in what he does and he was fully aware it was his mums 80th birthday but there is not a plan and he sees his mum 5 times a week. I came away feeling really guilty for putting my foot down, but felt if she had an issue not to project that onto me but to speak to him.

Anyway, 2 days later, she text my fiance saying that she has made a plan for the mums birthday (LOL). My fiance replies saying he will be on his way home from the venue and doesn't know if he can make it and that was that.

I find this really sneaky, its like she didn't listen to a word I said, or didn't take it seriously. I am in two minds to text her about it but I really can't be bothered for more drama and clearly pointless conversation that isn't listened too. I was angry at my fiance but regret that because he at least didn't change our plans, but now im concerned he will be rushing back and she was trying to make him feel guilty as she did me.... AIBU? should my fiance of handled it differently, and said, well didn't you already know we won't be here?! He says he doesn't care to talk about it with me and I should speak to her..

It sounds like everyone needs to take a deep breath and calm down.

out of interest does the MIL play these two off against each other?

I think i can emphasise OP. I think people are jumping on you without considering the wider context (he sees her 5 days a week and you already had plans to celebrate by having dinner with her). Sounds to me like there's a power struggle between you and SIL. She doesn't think your own plans to celebrate cut the mustard and thinks you should all be together on the actual birthday (despite your MIL and OH being happy with going for dinner). She has tried to undermine what you said and is laying on the guilt by saying 'I'd love for you to be there' to your OH knowing full well you have other plans.

People are accusing you of being precious about a wedding but a lot of people are being precious about an 80th birthday (both of which are valid - everyone is entitled to an opinon when it comes to their wedding or their birthday). Your MIL's opinion is the only opinion that matters here and she's happy going for dinner at a different time.

With all that said, and to meet your SIL halfway could you say that you can't make the special event that SIL is organising due to the drive but you could call in for tea and a slice of cake or something like that or to drop off another little present?

Is there a back story here, because if SIL has form you should really make that clear..

everything you've wrote so far is a sister annoyed with her brother for making alternate plans on their mums 80th birthday..

am I missing something here.. if he booked a lads weekend away on his mums birthday I'm sure her response would be exactly the same so how on earth are you twisting this to be about you?

Hyperbole much?

This isnt about you vs her or you vs his mum. Viewing a wedding venue (which, let's be honest, can definitely be rearranged) is never going to be more important than an 80th birthday for a close relative.

The fact that he has chosen not to prioritise his mum's birthday says a lot about him. None of it good.

Why didn't he say back when you booked the viewing, "Hang on, that's mum's birthday and I think it's her 80th this year.... can we book a different weekend in case she wants to do something to celebrate?" He must be in his late 30s at the very least - he's a grown man and should know when his mum's birthday is!

We did 😂

It was sneaky of your SIL but your husband shouldn’t have made plans on his mum’s 80th birthday IMO. The birthday trumps the wedding venue.

this is an incredibly toxic mentality and its also ridiculous. just as divorce happens so does sibling estrangement. usually because of mentalities like this. no one is guaranteed to be part of you life until death not even your parents.

This isnt a wedding vs a birthday because the OP's "booked event" isn't a wedding. It's just looking at a venue.

Yes!! She's absolutely entitled to tell her brother to cancel his plans but the brother is absolutely entitled to tell her to fuck off. I wouldn't be dictated to by one of my siblings in any circumstances but especially if they thought my own celebration plans with my own mother weren't good enough.

(he sees her 5 days a week and you already had plans to celebrate by having dinner with her)

except they didn't already have plans to go out for dinner.. because OP says in her OP that she didn't even know it was her MIL birthday that weekend.. so how could a birthday meal have already been arranged at that point?

The early birthday meal seems to have come about after the realisation that they were going to be away for his mums birthday, which infers he had completely forgot about it when booking the venue viewing.

It was only mentioned on here after everyone started saying how selfish it was to not make plans with her on her birthday...

Yabvu. If you’re getting married I can’t believe you didn’t know it’s his mum’s 80th. It’s a significant birthday and really sad that you weren’t bothered. His poor mum. Good on your SIL for sorting something.

You people on mum's net flipping out about the distance of the venue are going to lose your minds when you hear about destination weddings. Bit of a stretch calling the OP a bridezilla because she wants to see the venue once before she gets married there.

I agree.

I don’t think this was particular sneakiness on your SIL’s part either. She tried to tell you that your DP shouldn’t be making alternative plans on that date as it was MIL significant birthday and there would probably be a family event going on.

You had a word with your DP (who seems a bit dim) and he decided that as no firm plan details had been given to him it would be okay for you to still go and see your wedding venue. But he should have said “ah yeah, we probably should rearrange venue visit” or even “oh yes, I’ll organise something for mum and the extended family myself that’s a good point.”

Your SIL then arranging something and contacting DP herself was probably the “oy, you crap twat, it’s our mum’s 80th, you need to be here” ticking off he deserved.

This sounds two possessive women engaged in a tug of war with a wet rag. You'd have thought the man capable of not letting his sister 'control his future life' all by himself without his partner weighing in. He must be extremely suggestible if there's all this worry about who's going to be the one to get him to do what they want first.

80th birthday is kind of a big deal. Plans get made at the last minute all the time.

You should stay out of this. It is between the siblings.

Did SIL arrange this after she knew your plans?

If you're taking MIL out another day, no need to feel guilty about missing whatever SIL has arranged.

Mum's 80th can't have been that important to her or the wider family as nobody had planned anything special for her

You go ahead with your plans, which the family knew about before they decided to book something on the same day.

I see where you are coming from op. Your df had already arranged a dinner to celebrate with his mum, then sil comes along with a last minute invite to something she's last minute organised already knowing that day will be difficult for him. Hmm!

She tells us when we should we married, how she thinks it should work, where we sjould live etc.

It’s up to your DH whether he wants to make his mum feel special on her 80th or not. It’s not something you should be pressuring him either way about. So if he preferred to go look at the wedding venue that’s on him. He knows his mum and his relationship with her best - whether she is bothered about the actual day or not and, if she is, whether he is interested in making it special for her (though if he sees her 5 times a week, it sounds like he’s pretty close). You already have plans with her and that may be just what she wants. He may be being an ass, he may not, it’s impossible to tell from what you’ve told us.

SiL, knowing what you’d said, should have called him to discuss, not come up with a plan and presented it expecting him to be there. But it’s her loss.

Rushing back to be part of it, if he thinks his mum will appreciate it, seems perfectly reasonable. Why are you worried about that? You getting angry at your fiancé is totally out of order. What was that about? That’s the most unreasonable thing in what you’ve posted.

It's his mum's 80th plus at her age you don't know if it could be her last. Stop behaving like selfish child.

Would you and you DP be upset if future MIL went to view a nursing home of the day of your wedding and said she could take you for dinner the week after to celebrate instead?

If you’d be cool with that then you crack on.

Yup. This unfortunately is how it works. She has full control over her husbands diary and wants full control over ours. Some have said to text her and say oh we will try and come but depends on when we get back, do you think I should? I don’t even want to entertain another text if I’m honest.
I find it so funny how her approaches are so different though doesn’t everyone else? Telling me what HE SHOULD be doing, and acting sweet with him. @pinkducky @Redflagged

Wouldn’t give a single shit. Celebrate my birthday when it’s convenient to you, as long as it’s that month I couldn’t care less?