Told my SIL that we had plans - then she asks my partner the same thing behind my back?

[sarahkeintong]

Long story short, its my husbands mums 80th birthday in a few weeks. We have plans to go and look at our wedding venue as thats the only day that would work after weeks of trying to plan. There is no plan for my husbands mums 80th and I wasn't even aware of this date. We have lots of his family events coming up and this was the weekend that we could do. Anyway, I told my SIL (his sister) about the dates we are going in chatty conversation, and she gave her opinion saying my fiance and her should be spending it with their mum, so i asked if there was a plan for the birthday as i wasn't aware, but we have limited time to view our venue and it needs to be done. She responded saying no plan but he SHOULD KNOW that he needs to spend it with his mum?

I feel really uncomfortable but I spoke with my fiance and he said don't worry, she hasn't got a say in what he does and he was fully aware it was his mums 80th birthday but there is not a plan and he sees his mum 5 times a week. I came away feeling really guilty for putting my foot down, but felt if she had an issue not to project that onto me but to speak to him.

Anyway, 2 days later, she text my fiance saying that she has made a plan for the mums birthday (LOL). My fiance replies saying he will be on his way home from the venue and doesn't know if he can make it and that was that.

I find this really sneaky, its like she didn't listen to a word I said, or didn't take it seriously. I am in two minds to text her about it but I really can't be bothered for more drama and clearly pointless conversation that isn't listened too. I was angry at my fiance but regret that because he at least didn't change our plans, but now im concerned he will be rushing back and she was trying to make him feel guilty as she did me.... AIBU? should my fiance of handled it differently, and said, well didn't you already know we won't be here?! He says he doesn't care to talk about it with me and I should speak to her..

If you’ve already spoken to mil and explained why you can’t be there on the day and mil is fine then just ignore your sil.
My dc do nothing on my birthdays big or otherwise.
They’re young and busy and a chatty phone call is fine by me.
Celebrating a milestone birthday is unimportant when you’re older imo. I am 60’s now and would sooner forget birthdays.

There is no way I would miss my mum's 80th birthday. If my DP suggested doing something on my mum's birthday I would say no, unless she had plans with her friends that day.

If she didn't want a party I would suggest a holiday, or something special. I find the idea of my mum not doing something special on the day of her 80th really sad. So I'm really surprised your DP planned something without mentioning that it's his mum's birthday, if they're that close. Not your fault though, but personally now that you do know it's her birthday I would want to move the wedding venue thing.

I'm so very glad that we did something special for my dad's 80th because he didn't have a 90th. My parents have made a fuss for me on my birthday so many times in my life (mostly as a child as I moved away but still). So I take what chances I have to make a fuss for them as well. An 80th birthday is a big milestone. Even for someone who doesn't like parties it's nice to do something to make the day. When are you going to get the chance to make a day all about her again?

I disagree. Birthdays can be celebrated on any day. Wedding venue couldn’t be booked at another time.

Perhaps op has her own parents who live 6 hours away.
It’s not relevant, she can get married where she likes.

Exactly.
Wedding venues get booked really fast.

I don't know anyone that gets married once a year 🧐

He didn't leave it to his sister to sort out. He made his own plans with his mother to celebrate her 80th birthday with her in the same week. Those plans didn't happen to include his sister.

I suspect that's the crux of the issue here.

This… also if you are getting married didn’t you have an inkling that it was his mum’s birthday and a big one at that?? I’m not one for organising things for my DH’s side of the family birthdays etc but I still know when they are and will ask when we are planning to see them and would keep dates free. Also he is a really shit human to not want to see his mum on her big bday and leave all the planning admin to his sister. I would most definitely be on my brother’s back about this.

Fuck me, if I get to live to 80 and my sons and / or their partners have this attitude I will be really upset.

I'm with the sister in law.
YABU
He should spend it with his mum and if it was my brother I'd have messaged him as well.

You have no right to ask her why she spoke to him after you.
If you do be prepared to burn bridges

This is a sad post, you obviously don’t have any children yet that you think this is all manipulation and have made it about yourself. Your sis in law like many of us has realised last minute.com that they have nothing organised for a milestone birthday and is now trying to organise something as her brother clearly doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Turning 80 is a big deal and should be spent with family if you are lucky enough to have them. She is within her rights to contact her own brother and try her best to get him on side to make their mum feel special and appreciated on the day.

Ok but why does someone else have to make the plan and then your DH turn up. Why wasn’t he instrumental in making the plan and it suiting your plans? Then tell SIL the plan. I don’t agree with doing something a different day but maybe you could have done dinner on her birthday?

Ypu do but some people don't, and so what.
Some people travel abroad and have every right to get married wherever they want.

Good luck travelling the 6 hours 👌🤣

Maybe she was hoping he'd plan something for his mother's birthday?

Maybe they'll be too busy to make it to his wedding.

Do all the posters who think OP is being unfair genuinely see all of their close family members on their birthdays? It's pretty unheard of in my family to see someone on their birthday unless it's the weekend, or something specific has been planned. We almost always celebrate either the weekend before or afterwards!

Except he didn't. The OP makes it very clear she didn't know when her future MIL birthday is, and that her fiance had said there were no plans even once she did know. It is only later in the thread, she says they planned to take her to dinner. Which says to me nothing has actually been booked, certainly hadn't at the time of the interaction with the future SIL. So she probably did feel she needed to take the lead.

80th birthday events also tend to be a family affair, not each child doing something separately unless there is some massive rift in the family.

Sorry OP but I’m with SIL on this one and I really don’t like my MIL! Any other birthday I would say go but it’s her 80th and that’s kind of a big deal in my eyes

Sure. Totally each to their own 😀

Not every birthday no, but 80th birthday yes absolutely. For many people it's their last milestone birthday.

I've just re-read you OP and figured it out. You're angry at your fiance here, and you're bending over backwards to blame it on your SIL.

You are annoyed because you gave SIL an answer about the mums birthday (that you wouldn't be around) and you expected that to be the final and non negotiable, and after speaking to her he has told her you'll be on your way back so 'not sure if you can make it', leaving it open that you may be back after all, and being very amicable about the whole thing actually.

You feel she has done this deliberately to stop your venue visit go ahead, and have obviously took it up with him that you don't want to have to rush back and he's now told you he won't discuss it with you anymore.

It's right there in your posts, I'm not sure why I didn't pick up on it straight away:

My fiance replies saying he will be on his way home from the venue and doesn't know if he can make it and that was that.

I find this really sneaky, its like she didn't listen to a word I said, or didn't take it seriously.

I was angry at my fiance but regret that because he at least didn't change our plans,

but now im concerned he will be rushing back

He says he doesn't care to talk about it with me.

Your anger is misplaced, you've pitted yourself against your SIL but the blame for him changing his tune isn't her ability to creep round him, it's his own guilty conscious kicking in when realised that he'd double booked his mum's 80th birthday, and now he's trying to keep both sides happy, you wanted him to pick you and tell her to get lost and he hasn't.

I agree with SIL. It seems very cold not to celebrate with MIL on her special birthday. Saying ‘I didn’t even know the date’ makes it worse. When I married DH I joined his family and it is every bit as important to me to know when his mum’s birthday is as my own mum’s and I don’t understand otherwise, especially when it comes to an elderly lady. I would find it hurtful if my son did this to me on a future milestone birthday. I can see why his sister felt so hurt on her mum’s behalf and is going out of her way to make sure his mum doesn’t know he (or you) have chosen to do something else that could be done any time really. It’s just very unkind.

I dunno, I never got the point of milestone birthdays, anniversaries etc. 80 is just a number. If he is otherwise a devoted son who sees her almost every day then surely its not that important to see her on that specific day. 🤷‍♀️ If you have plans that are difficult to change then I would check with the MIL and just go for it.

I don’t think anyone turns 80 more than once either 🧐
And based on this thread I don’t reckon this will be OPs only wedding.

They guilt trip him all the time though, it’s a constant thing. I literally told him within 2 days a plan will be made and she will be texting him with a plan, and that’s EXACTLY what happened. It’s comical.

im not annoyed at my fiancé, because we still aren’t going. We are sticking to our plan.

They guilt trip him all the time though, it’s a constant thing.

How? You say he sees his mum 5 time s a week, what is there to guilt trip him about constantly?