Told my SIL that we had plans - then she asks my partner the same thing behind my back?

[sarahkeintong]

Long story short, its my husbands mums 80th birthday in a few weeks. We have plans to go and look at our wedding venue as thats the only day that would work after weeks of trying to plan. There is no plan for my husbands mums 80th and I wasn't even aware of this date. We have lots of his family events coming up and this was the weekend that we could do. Anyway, I told my SIL (his sister) about the dates we are going in chatty conversation, and she gave her opinion saying my fiance and her should be spending it with their mum, so i asked if there was a plan for the birthday as i wasn't aware, but we have limited time to view our venue and it needs to be done. She responded saying no plan but he SHOULD KNOW that he needs to spend it with his mum?

I feel really uncomfortable but I spoke with my fiance and he said don't worry, she hasn't got a say in what he does and he was fully aware it was his mums 80th birthday but there is not a plan and he sees his mum 5 times a week. I came away feeling really guilty for putting my foot down, but felt if she had an issue not to project that onto me but to speak to him.

Anyway, 2 days later, she text my fiance saying that she has made a plan for the mums birthday (LOL). My fiance replies saying he will be on his way home from the venue and doesn't know if he can make it and that was that.

I find this really sneaky, its like she didn't listen to a word I said, or didn't take it seriously. I am in two minds to text her about it but I really can't be bothered for more drama and clearly pointless conversation that isn't listened too. I was angry at my fiance but regret that because he at least didn't change our plans, but now im concerned he will be rushing back and she was trying to make him feel guilty as she did me.... AIBU? should my fiance of handled it differently, and said, well didn't you already know we won't be here?! He says he doesn't care to talk about it with me and I should speak to her..

It's not that she didn't believe you'd done that, it's because she doesn't agree that he should be 'fine' with going, so she has rightly taken it up with him directly.

It's not up to you to mediate between siblings and expect them not to contact each other if one is not happy with the others response.

Your fiance is the one that has double booked his mums birthday and your SIL feels unhappy about it, it is really not your place to involve yourself in that.

She knew you were busy and made plans anyway? Urgh

Honestly she doesn't have the right to dictate other people's plans she could have had a reasonable conversation with her brother and made a plan to celebrate not demanded you change your plans last minute to suit her especially as she already knew you had plans

A birthday isn't a "big deal" to everyone

Also FYI I've No Clue when my inlaws birthdays were mil was in January i believe no clue about the rest because they were ex DH parents not mine his responsibilities not mine

its all making sense now we have the back story so I apologise for my initial cynicism. I know this kind of toxicity too.

tell her to butt out of your wedding plans, while you’re on!

Wow the amount of selfish, self absorbed people making threads today is more than usual.

@MillshakePickle i get what you are saying, if it STOPPED THERE. she expressed herself to me, but i responded and said i had spoke to my fiance and he said he is fine to still go on that date. then, later she made plans and said she would love for him to be there, she knew we couldnt be there, and she was hoping he would abondon our plans, telling him she had ballooons and wanted to make it really special for him, to pull on his heart strings, its manipulation.
PS our venue had been booked for months - this was not done on purpose, more unfortunate timing of events but we are taking MIL out for a special meal prior.

Agree with everyone else & @Moltenpink

An 80th birthday is much more important than looking at a wedding venue, and SIL is right in pushing the point IMO.

To be honest the venue sounds like it's going to be a long way for your MIL to travel to. Also how a man treats his Mum is a good indication as to how he will treat his wife, daughter etc.

Awful. It's his mum's 80th. And your partner's sister is allowed to message him about their mum's birthday. Bloody hell.

I’m coming up 60 and I have to say if I want to celebrate it with family I would have let them know months in advance what I had planned. I certainly don’t want my children taking it out of my hands ( how do they know if and how I want to celebrate?)

As it happens, I do not want any fuss and if any of my children had something else planned on the day, like looking at wedding venues, I would be more than happy for them to go. Speaking as a mother,to me, my children’s future happiness is way more important than mine or celebrating my birthday. So OP I’m with you on this one.

I can see where your SIL is coming from and think it’s a bit cheeky tbh.

@sandyhappypeople i get you, but i had already said we physically are not around, so why then say she would love for him to be there? what outcome is she hoping for?

Here’s a good plan - sister in law does the party. You do the meal. Mum gets two celebrations where there’s no underlying tensions. Job done.

@Treesinmygarden i want her to know that she will not have control over my future husband and our life, which is what she tries to have continuously.

Yes, that's right, she was hoping he would realise what a twunt he's acting and his conscience would kick in and motivate him to do the right thing. Unfortunately, she's found that he doesn't care. Has he always been this way or do you bring out the worst in him?

@KaleQueen no apparently we have to be there on the day :/

But she's not trying to control you, she's trying to persuade your husband to do something kind/selfless for someone else - his mother

appreciate your apology and sorry you have gone through this too, im honestly worried about the dictation in our future.

telling him she had ballooons and wanted to make it really special for him, to pull on his heart strings, its manipulation.

Or...

She realised the pair of you were far too selfish to rearrange anything for their mum's birthday and he was too lazy to make plans himself to make it special for the woman who bore and raised him, so she made plans herself, complete with balloons and stuff.

And had another go at trying to convince him to do the decent thing for his mum.

How petty do you have to be to twist "made plans including balloons to celebrate our mother's 80th" into "trying to undermine me". Not everything is about you.

No you don’t.
you absolutely don’t if this is all about her and not about mum.
an 80th is important but this clearly has a backstory where sister couldn’t be arsed then decided she could all of a sudden and you have to jump to her tune when you’d already made plans for a meal?

not saying its about me, but her efforts were 100% trying to get him to abandon him seeing our wedding venue that has been booked for months, when we already cleared it with MIL.

I don't think you need to worry about the future with your DH. He clearly sees through the tactics (as does my DH in relation to my MIL!).

Every time my MIL has done this to me I just bite my tongue and move on with it. My DH told her a couple of times that if she'd already had the conversation with me, she didn't need to repeat it with him. DH and I are always on the same page. They'll get used to it eventually and stop bothering.

When we were planning our wedding I spoke to MIL and told her we were going suit shopping for DH in a couple of days. Later that evening she was on the phone to DH and he had her on loudspeaker. DH told her I was busy the next day and she said "oh do you want to go suit shopping?" - as though I literally hadn't told her a hour earlier that DH and I were doing it in a couple of days! I suggested to DH that we invite her along as she clearly wanted to be involved, he didn't want her there. Can't fathom why 😂

@KaleQueen thank you - yes because she thinks it should never be about me and doesnt want me to be priority over anyone in the family. ever.

She's probably hoping you'll both do the right thing by his mum and re-arrange your plans., she hasn't asked you to do that because it isn't your mum so she has no expectations of you in that regard, which is fair and is the reason she is contacting him directly.

I think it's pretty dire to prioritise yourselves on a parents milestone birthday, but it is what it is, he's chosen to do that for some reason which seems pretty frivolous to anyone who isn't you or him. She knows she can't change his mind or order him around so she's done all she can do in that situation which is make him feel guilty in the hope he'll have a re-think on it.

Like I said, you should stay well out of it.

She was probably in disbelief that your DF was being such an ejit about their Mum’s birthday.

OP, if I were to arrange a birthday event for my mum's 80th I'd feel obliged to let my siblings know of the planned events. That would be the case even if I'd been chatting earlier (when there were no plans) and they said they wouldn't be free. People's plans frequently change and it would be weird not to update them about an event happening for their mother's 80th birthday.

You might be right regarding your SIL's motivations but it's also possible you're reading too much into this.

Team SIL all the way.

Your fiancé sounds incredibly selfish. It would make me look at him in a new light rather than my SIL. Of course he should cancel the venue viewing and do something special for his mums 80th birthday with his sister. You sound just as bad tbh. If I was chatting to my SIL about our plans and she reminded me of her mums 80th birthday, my immediate response would be “oh bugger, John must have forgotten, let me speak to him and I’ll see if he can rearrange the viewing. Did you have anything in mind and is there anything we can do to help?”

Your SIL sounds very restrained. I think I’d have texted my brother calling him a selfish twat in this scenario.

I’d attend the 80th birthday and reschedule the wedding venue appointment. There’s no way I’d even want my DH to miss his mother’s 80th if we could prevent it. In these situations it’s usually good to think about whether you’d be ok with it if the roles were reversed.