Things a straight man can work on to make him more attractive to women

[EmmaJaneA]

I had a fairly open conversation with a male friend, like myself middle aged & straight. Our relationship is, just to be clear, 100% platonic & we are both clear we want to keep it that way. He's looking to meet someone, although he's not desperate & would rather be on his own than settle. The question I was asked was what alterable factors can someone in his position work on to maximise attractiveness to women. It might sound a bit clinical but I do think I get where he's coming from. Not that he's especially deficient in any of the below but this (in no particular order) was my 1st draft:

1. Posture

2. The energy you give off 3. Physical fitness, sleep, hydrate, moisture 4. Functionality, having your finances, accommodation etc in good order 5. Sociability 6. Well read/travelled

Any additions/thoughts?

I'd say for both sexes aiming to be a holistically ok human being works.

Try to personally develop for the sake of it and because you want to grow as a person, not because you "expect X from Y person". It doesn't work like that.

• Physically ok, not too obsessed/Instagram but taking care of the basics - teeth, hygiene.

Sticking to the mainstream in terms of dress sense and mannerisms. Less is more.

• Reasonably stable in terms of finances, lifestyle, long term plans. Home of their own they maintain well (nothing fancy, but something they can afford and budget for and host in).

• Like @5128gap says, aware of their league and not giving a sense of "wanting something bigger and better".

• Leagues do exist, we're all in them! Finances do matter here, as does having children. It doesn't matter how much chemistry there is with someone, many people don't want to be a stepparent. And massive debt is another issue.

• Good social skills, self awareness, able to manage themselves and read the room.

• Not obviously trying to impress or dominate or do the chat up or the hard sell. I'd say after a certain age the "confident person who takes over the room" can seem an attention seeking bore.

• Not into anything too dramatic/intense and don't have dramatic friends. Again, less is more, stick with the mainstream.

People who seem like their only "friends" are ex-online dates or 24 year old international students they've met at Meetup events are a bit 🤔 and creepy

I'd say the same thing to both sexes, online dating can be a cesshole. Improve yourself and get out and build your networks.

No mansplaining
No manspreading

Sticks up for women - not a misogynist or silent "on the fence".

Clean
Smells good.

Must be curious about the world and other people.

Reads.
Watches the news.

Doesn't play golf or cycle or cricket.

Isn't selfish.
Cleans his own home and does his own laundry.

Speaks to his mother no more than three times a week max.

I'd add that it's a good idea to keep on top of his grooming. Eg no one wants to see hair sprouting from nostrils and ears/ weird long bristles sticking out of brows at weird angles etc.

I'll be honest, most of this stuff seems basic, but finding a man that doesn't mansplain, manspread, turns up in lovely clean clothes not crumpled smelly ones, has his own house, a great business or a pension, smells great, is well-educated and reads the news and hasn't got any major personality flaws is like gold dust on OLD. They are not that common in real-life either, because once their wives leave them, the extent to which their houses and clothes and general life maintenance was done by their wives is visible. One thing I noticed when OLD was how passive a lot of the men were compared to, say, the men I meet at work, they are the ones sitting in a job they don't like, moved to the area 20 years ago and haven't left, don't have a pension but don't really know why, let themselves go physically even though they have time for the gym, even though they were all nice and personable. Just waiting for a woman to come along again and tell them how to live, I guess.

The ones that are highly proactive are snapped up almost immediately and may not even have to go on OLD to get dates. Apparently about 10% of the men on OLD get 90% of the female interest. Anyone meeting most of the criteria on here would struggle to find someone with these qualities in middle-age, a female version of themselves, as the men are prepared to date wider age ranges, up to 20 years younger, plus a lot of us are a bit unrealistic about how we have aged, put on weight, don't have an amazing pension, clothes not all amazing and so on, so don't perceive how our 'value' has dropped in a dating environment (this is me for starters).

He has to be real about all this- he sounds like a nice enough guy but a bit wet- when is he going to get on with living his life if he isn't doing it right now, in middle-age? He should get his teeth done, wear a navy jumper and get on OLD.

But why is that word not mentioned by any of the responders to OP?

Say it !

OP, as you're the only person who knows him, perhaps consider why you personally wouldn't date him, because what puts you off probably does the same to others.

Treat women like an equal.

Clean

Sorted living arrangements

I want to say not fat. But actually fat would be ok it's the fat constantly talking about wanting to loose weight and not doing it that I couldn't stand. That would apply to everything tbh. Moaning is fine but moaning and not fixing something in your power to fix is extremely unattractive to me

Good temper, kindness and generosity are essential to me. I met too many grumpy selfish men after I turned 30! Enthusiasm, interest in other people, humour, courtesy are all good too.

Self-pity, obsession with money or a cruel streak would rule him out. And no skinflints — I don’t expect a man to subsidise me, I just can’t stand penny-pinching behaviour generally.

And if he’s rude to waiters, it’s over!

The most recent Stephen Bartlett podcast is about this -

Ha ha, yes!!

Sense of humour
fun energy, wants to do interesting things
well dressed & groomed
respects women

I now have a mental picture of Morris Dancers!

Both probably more amenable than my spinal positioning, to be fair

Manners - table manners in particular. I find it a huge turn off if a man speaks with his mouth full or holds cutlery incorrectly

No 'poor me' narrative.
No passive aggressive behaviour.
Clean, smells nice.
Good manners.
Confident, not arrogant.
Kind.
No mansplaining, patronising or belittling.
Shows respect in behaviour and conversation.
Listens without judgement.
Basically someone who likes people in general, more a glass half full person rather than a glass half empty take on life, where it's him against the world.

Emotionally intelligent

@Pistachiochiochio Skilled at cunnilingus and generous with it.

The problem with criteria like this is that it's impossible for women to know whether this is true before entering into a relationship to begin with. So this typically doesn't play into male attractiveness.

I think this sums it up. The men who have the most real success with women are the ones who genuinely like, respect and are comfortable with women. It’s not something you can fake, either. I remember a colleague years ago who was pretty physically unprepossessing, was an active alcoholic but who was constantly surrounded by laughing, engaged women. Why? Because he really liked us as equals, listened, responded, and respected us. It’s not “sure I like women, I like sleeping with women”, it’s “I like spending time talking to and listening to women as much or more as I do with men”.

For me , my list of suggestions / preferences ;

Interest in personal hygiene / appearance - but not overly groomed .

Kindness - how does he treat others .

Family relationships - what does he say about exes / children / family members . If he has children - what is his relationship with them ? Does he have some self awareness about his role about why he isn't in a relationship / other relationships haven't worked out .

Respect for women - not objectifying them and this would include not setting parameters for his dating pool really low . Although I do understand that if he wanted kids - younger than his own age may be a factor .

Ability to chat & listen . Showing a good sense of humour and not exhibiting extreme views . Some chat about different topics and not focussed on one topic / hobby and being able to talk about only that .

Would also add - some evidence that unless extenuating circumstances that he had shown he was able to have made some grown up decisions in life I.e not sofa surfing as a middle aged man . But I would have respect for sone one that had had caring responsibilities .

Attitude to life - someone that was able to exhibit some joy / optimism in life . Not either extreme .

Not someone who is selfish .

I think it can be probably summed up as - be as good looking as you can, while being as little of a twat as you can. If he's easy on the eye and not a twat he will find himself in a sellers market significantly skewed by supply and demand.

Very true

I think the video link echoes many of the demands listed above.

I married at 47, but was out and about socially well into my 40s. Women appreciate if you're well groomed, wear nice clothes, can hold a conversation, and have a good sense of humour. Nothing worse than a guy looking dowdy and old before his time.

I think that men are most attractive when they are self assured and self sufficient but modest, and see women as interesting individuals in their own right, rather than potential conquests.