My DH made a bit of a poor decision and is making me pay for it

[midsummermornings]

That title is a bit more dramatic than things actually are but I do think it’s fair to say DH made a couple of decisions that weren’t the best, and keeps making digs at me as a way (I think) of convincing himself it’s my fault.

So - we have two children, I’ve only recently gone back to work after the second, and I had a full year off on maternity leave so pay was reduced considerably (and none at the end.)

Last year, we bought a new car for me. I didn’t ask for it but it’s fair to say I didn’t argue about it. I have always accepted DH makes the car decisions and I regret that now. A few weeks later his head was turned by a fancy car and he bought it. I think he knew at the time it probably was an unwise decision but he went ahead.

Things are catching up with us now and despite us both being on good salaries we’re finding it hard to balance things out, too much month at the end of our money sort of thing.

I don’t want this to come across as if I am blameless as I’m definitely not but the number of passive aggressive digs I’ve had from DH are really getting on my nerves now and it’s affecting our relationship. He keeps making ‘jokey’ comments that I’ve bankrupted him; keeps complaining about not having had a holiday, saying he has had to ‘bail me out.’

I did get really annoyed with him on Monday and he was apologetic. I said to him that I welcomed an adult conversation about money but that I wasn’t going to respond to PA digs and I did warn him that they kill a relationship which obviously isn’t what either of us want.

I have made him sound horrible, and he isn’t, but I do think he’s stressed. Does anyone have any ideas on how we can discuss finances without blame or petty you did this I did that sort of behaviour?

I'm not saying that every memory costs money to make, I'm saying that given the choice between a fancier car or bigger house, we choose more days out and holidays. A lot of the memories we have made did cost money- immersive theatre, music festivals, the zoo/ aquarium, forest schools, exhibitions at museums- it's not free.

Today, we took DD to a farming lesson, she built a bug hotel and fed some chickens. Last time, she planted a pumpkin. There's only so memorable you can make a trip to the park or an indoor picnic.

He keeps making ‘jokey’ comments that I’ve bankrupted him; keeps complaining about not having had a holiday, saying he has had to ‘bail me out
Is he always this thick? He's bankrupting himself with 3 cars on finance.

With respect, how did you not foresee that having 3 cars instead of 2 and 2 children instead of one would cost more ? You are talking as if the extra car and child were surprises that just fell out the sky and landed on your door step!

How did it end up like this?
Did you do your plans and get the figures wrong ?
Did you have some large extra unforeseeable expense, like a major house repair ?
Did one of you lose your job ?
Does one of your children have SN and need additional care?

Or is it that your husband either won’t make plans or that he does make plans and then won’t stick to them and bitches at you for his own choices ?

Does he resent being married or having the children ?
Does he resent you working ?
If you free up more income ( by earning more or reducing childcare costs ) will he just spend more ?

Im trying to work out how you got here so you can work out how to get out of it .

Just saying “ my husband is stressed about it” isn’t going to fix it.

just saying “ there’s no point in budgeting because we don’t have enough to maintain our current lifestyle and we are not willing to cut back “ isn’t going to fix it.

Just saying “ there’s no perfect solution “ wont fix it.

The child wasn’t. The car absolutely was.

I don’t really want or need anybody to ‘work out how we got here.’ I know how we got here: my DH bought an extremely expensive car. I’m so sorry if I sound a bit snappy, it’s late and I am tired, but this is literally what the entire thread is about. DH made a bad decision (he bought the car) which he is making me pay for (moaning at me about money.)

It isn’t quite as stark as that but that’s the gist.

Ok. So if the problem that your husband makes big decisions and then expects you to take the blame AND deal with the consequences, what are you going to do ?

How will earning more money and spending less fix it ? Is it a money problem or a husband problem ?

And how have you ended up blaming yourself ? “ Fritering “ money on a £12 day out for you and your kids and buying perfectly normal food in Morrisons? I get that might be extravagant for someone on benefits but it doenst sound like you are that hard up .

I don’t know @S0CKPUPPET . I do need to give it some thought. We do mostly have a loving and respectful relationship, but I do recognise that some of that is probably because we avoid conversations in which the other might feel criticised which is why some of it was coming out in PA digs. I certainly have found it very helpful to talk about it in here and am grateful to those who have responded and let me work it out.

It’s more to explain how I can end up spending money without intending to. So yesterday maybe £30, but if you take that as a typical day in a week it’s what, £200?

Did you say anything when he took a third car out on finance? Did you question him on how you would afford all the monthly repayments and the insurance on them all? When you’ve now got two children to support.

I just don’t understand how you’ve ended up in this situation, and how he can go about spending money like that without discussion and without thinking. The way he is acting now as well… he sounds like a deeply selfish person.

@Ivehearditbothways at that point no … we didn’t have two children and I assumed that he could afford it (in fairness he can - but another car has to go.)

Is it typical day ? Do you spend £14 a day on food ?

You say on one hand that you DO have a budget for food shoppinh / days out / whatever. And then you say you spend money “ without intending to “. I don’t know what that means .

Are you spending more on days out and food than what’s in your budget ?
what’s in your budget and is that realistic ?

You say that you don’t want budgeting tips and it’s all about your Husband and the car. But then you say it’s your fault . Is it both?

or Is he using your £14 in Morrisons to distract from his hundreds on the car ?

Do you think it’s your fault too? or are you so used to taking the blame ?

Difference between men n women

Men think £60 on a face cream is too much

Women think £60,000 on a car is too much.

I read somewhere that women lose 80% of their lifetime earnings potential when they have a child. Is DH compensating you half of this lost amount, as it is his child too?

The cost of running a car is around 6k a year. Not including purchase or depreciation. So he's got a lot of money on the drive.

I am the higher earner and do all the household shopping. DH has NO clue how much all this is but it's pretty huge. Literally 1/2 my income because we have 4 teen kids.

'At the moment my solution is just not to talk about money with him. But I know that isn’t a solution either.'

That is the worse thing you can do right now.

I'd:

• stop dwelling on what's been spent & stressing about it ( stress can give you further illnesses which also cost ), your kids probably feel they're burden when parents argue over finances in front of them. I know I did when my parents argued.

• go counselling with DH, if you both chat in front of someone neutral, there wont be passive aggressive comments + its cheaper then divorce

• do budget for a month with your DH and try to agree on what's reasonable, if you agree on making sandwiches for days out (I think its clever) , he needs to help with preparation or have kids while you prepare them if you know what I mean

• if DH doesn't want to sit down & budget, I'd do my own & send him what he owes me even if that means you chip in for the petrol.

• I'd get rid of one car if you can. We can get away with just one car with 2 DC, for now anyway. Car maintenance is expensive.

In my household he pays for the car (x1) and I pay for groceries . When I calculated per month it is exactly same amount for both expenses. So yeah its good to do math on these things.

I agree with @Janedoe82 , sell the car asap, if you can go without one of course.

And why is it not your name??

I don't think that IS how you got here.

How you got here is that you and DH have a relationship where one person can make a massive purchase without consulting and working it out with other and where there is no joint budgeting/joint account.

@BumpyaDaisyevna - look, people are different. And they do things differently and work them out differently.

DH made a ‘massive purchase’ (the car) with ‘his’ money. I know that there is a general consensus on here that in a marriage there isn’t his money and my money but in my marriage there is and to be honest I don’t see that changing. My post isn’t about that.

There is no joint account because I’m not convinced it would change anything. As things stand, DH pays for pretty much everything. I pay for childcare, which obviously isn’t cheap for two very small children, but as I get back on my feet I’m hoping some of the payments can be ‘transferred’ to me. That’s all well and good and I don’t doubt we can sort out the money side. What is bothering me (and what my post is about) is the relationship. What I’ve come to see from typing things out is that DH is generous when he has money which is lovely. I think he’s been trying to tell me something but for whatever reason hasn’t so has made various digs.

The other pertinent thing here is that DH gets a yearly bonus at the start of the year; traditionally that’s been used to pay off any accumulated debt over the course of the year and a holiday. This year is different; he can’t use it as it would push him/us over the £100,000 threshold for childcare which would mean we’d lose a lot of money. So I’ve had a couple of mentions of that which I’ve probably taken more personally than they are intended.

In many ways it isn’t rocket science but it can be hard to get out of habits and that’s what we both need to do.

Your issue is money. Having separate finances is fine if it's working, but you still need to budget as a team. He either starts working with you or he doesn't.
FYI, buying cars he can't afford and paying for his children's food is not "generosity", so knock that attitude on the head ASAP. He is using "his" money to control and berate you and he does not value your contributions to the household.

The only way to solve this is to talk to him

Sit down, listen to your income & outgoings clearly. Also debts.

Decide on life priorities- is it cars or holidays? Both work FT or be there for the kids at home? Nursery FT or PT?

Then you know how much you need per month into a joint account. You pay that much in (50:50 or 70:30 etc depending on income). Then that's used for joint bills, food etc.

The rest gets put into individual savings account or for discretionary spending with no guilt or questions.

A joint account won’t be a goer. It just won’t.

We do have assets rather than savings. There’s no wriggle room for savings at the moment. It would be helpful to be honest if people could accept this.

You don't need a joint account. You need a joint budget. Your wiggle room is the assets (especially all the cars!), and the budget keeps you on track. You're the one who is struggling to accept the obvious.

Yes, you say we need a joint budget but it isn’t possible. We can budget individually but not together. That’s why largely I am taking responsibility for my own finances and letting DH do the same.

“Bailing me out” about being on mat leave would give me the absolute rage 😡 I’m not gonna lie 😂

It is infuriating but in a wider sense I think he just meant having to give me money when I run out.