My DH made a bit of a poor decision and is making me pay for it

[midsummermornings]

That title is a bit more dramatic than things actually are but I do think it’s fair to say DH made a couple of decisions that weren’t the best, and keeps making digs at me as a way (I think) of convincing himself it’s my fault.

So - we have two children, I’ve only recently gone back to work after the second, and I had a full year off on maternity leave so pay was reduced considerably (and none at the end.)

Last year, we bought a new car for me. I didn’t ask for it but it’s fair to say I didn’t argue about it. I have always accepted DH makes the car decisions and I regret that now. A few weeks later his head was turned by a fancy car and he bought it. I think he knew at the time it probably was an unwise decision but he went ahead.

Things are catching up with us now and despite us both being on good salaries we’re finding it hard to balance things out, too much month at the end of our money sort of thing.

I don’t want this to come across as if I am blameless as I’m definitely not but the number of passive aggressive digs I’ve had from DH are really getting on my nerves now and it’s affecting our relationship. He keeps making ‘jokey’ comments that I’ve bankrupted him; keeps complaining about not having had a holiday, saying he has had to ‘bail me out.’

I did get really annoyed with him on Monday and he was apologetic. I said to him that I welcomed an adult conversation about money but that I wasn’t going to respond to PA digs and I did warn him that they kill a relationship which obviously isn’t what either of us want.

I have made him sound horrible, and he isn’t, but I do think he’s stressed. Does anyone have any ideas on how we can discuss finances without blame or petty you did this I did that sort of behaviour?

No, if only because what’s mine is nothing 😂 However yes I don’t want him to feel I am taking taking.

@WoolySnail the children are here so I’m rushing a bit, all I’ll say is I’m fine ding the thread helpful. If you feel that I’m being frustrating it would be best to leave it as there are few things worse on here than a helpful thread going off piste because someone decides the OP isn’t doing what they personally would. There are some really helpful ideas and I am going to have a closer look when children are asleep.

It is absolutely possible to keep your finances separate; I’ve done it for nearly 35 years. You just have to be realistic and cut your cloth accordingly.

When we both worked full time we had a “joint” account for mortgage, bills and food shopping. I say joint, but I managed it. I worked out the total outgoings every month and we paid half each into the account as we earned around the same. Whatever was left stayed in our personal accounts. The child benefit also went into my account which paid for kid related expenses like new clothes and trips out. I don’t drive so he paid for petrol and incidental car stuff, I saved up for holidays.

So, if you don't think you can/ don't want to open up a more direct line of communication about finance then I think the best thing you can do is this:

Obviously write down your own spending and make sure you really aren't "frittering" money away.

Be up front when you need further contributions from him because of large or unexpected costs ( eg new car seat).

The moment he starts moaning ( passive aggressive/blaming or otherwise) just say "I don't want to hear it while you are still keeping 2 cars for your own use. Please pay me £x for y expenses"

Then walk away.

Rinse and repeat till a car is sold.

( I am guessing that the "fancy" car won't take 2 car seats in the back which is why he wants to keep both - well he can't - he needs to grow up and realise what being a parent is actually like)

Yeah a lot worse than buying a fancy car on a whim.

I've got it! A brand new suggestion...

Sell one of the children!

Does he know how much you are shelling out in childcare? It will be lots for 2DC. Especially your younger one, I'll bet most of your income goes on that. Wiggle room as I see it from your end is spending less at the coop - you said hundreds over a couple of weeks! Maybe shop at Lidl or Aldi, or if your shopping style is to be tempted by offers and new things of interest on top of your regular shop, do it online and get click and collect or delivery - saves time as a bonus. Expensive swim lessons for a 14 month old is madness, probably more of a meet other mums benefit than babies getting anything special out of it.
Lastly, yes, next time he moans about lack of money, tell him to sell a car then as he can't drive 2 at once! It's his frivolous spending that has put strain on you all.

But you could have taken a packed lunch or a picnic.

you and your h really are a bit dim about all this, you’re as bad as one another, but HE resents you for it.

So have you now got three cars? Owned outright?

I don't think they are as bad as each other. Obviously op needs to check her spending but a "fancy" car that is no good for a family could be £50k. That's a lot of co op shops.

Yes, three cars.

No, the cars are on finance.

OP has said all this!

Yes, she could have gone to Morrisons and bought chicken, cheese and fruit in advance and packed it for a picnic, but it wouldn't have saved her any money.

You’ve got a budget problem AND a communication problem. It’s hard not to take things personally as each of you are coming at it from your own filters and view points that you are each protecting. Can you have time away from the kids and house for a few hours and talk about what you would like to have happen jointly? At the moment you’re behaving like two separate people and it’s just not working. Describe to each other what your joint vision for your family looks and feels like and then create a plan for getting where you want to be. It’s worth setting some rules for the convo as you don’t want to go to counselling. The trick is being honest open and trusting each other to hear each other without judgement - easier said than done! Perhaps the least you will come out with is understanding each others financial language and what the spending means for you

Really don't get how do many people are saying "divorce"
Like let's throw the baby out with the bathwater.
The ones that say do a proper budget are the intelligent ones, that shows what you can and can't have.
Atb

Do you not own any of the cars? Apologies if I’ve missed that.

Surely no couple needs three cars - one has to go, you’re right there. I agree that you need to sit down and work out your budget - and make the one big cut to get rid of some expenses/debt.

All three of the cars are in DH's name, OP has said this.

There's too much for me to read through, but from what I've read so far, he sounds like a nasty, tight-fisted man with a poor-me, covert narcissist qualities.

He keeps making ‘jokey’ comments that I’ve bankrupted him; keeps complaining about not having had a holiday, saying he has had to ‘bail me out

Not acceptable. He wants to emotionally punish you and hold you responsible for the decisions he makes, and simply having to work as a family unit rather than being a single carefree man. His intention is to injure you and make you grovel & apologise that he feels better.

It is NOT ok to make you feel that way. He is no longer on your side OP.

I said to him that I welcomed an adult conversation about money but that I wasn’t going to respond to PA digs and I did warn him that they kill a relationship which obviously isn’t what either of us want

That is a healthy, mature way to deal with conflict, but some people don't like doing direct conversation. They've just learnt that they get better results in life by assuming the role of a victim. It's fucking man-baby behaviour and he needs to grow the fuck up.

Good advice but I disagree about spending money/valuing making memories. It doesn’t mean spending money to do this (obviously sometimes it does). My friend spends a fortune on time off with her children because she’s ‘making memories’ whilst telling me how much she’s struggling.

Yes, that’s my view. He has two cars - what for???!!!

Its blindingly obvious to me what needs to change - he needs to sell a car.

And OP needs to spell out what she’s having to spend on family life.

I mean she’s said that numerous times.

There’s something very wrong there. Why on earth are the cars all in his name?

When DH bought me a car (also for DS learning to drive, we managed with one before) he put it in my name.

Yes, I didn’t express that well!! I suppose I meant why can’t he see that? Can anyone else not see that?!!

I recommend;
A joint account from which joint expenses come, into which you both pay a portion of your income.
A joint savings account into which you pay something however small.
Maintain your own account.
Downsize your vehicles.

You are in a partnership which includes child care which is as valuable as earning money. Come down with righteous vengeance and furious anger on the merest hint that him
spending money is doing you a favour.

You are in this together. His moola is your moola and vice versa.

Possibly cos the cars are on finance and OP was on mat leave when “her” car was bought so easier for DH with a salary to get it.

But I agree it should be transferred to her!

Or he stops buying fancy cars on a whim.

1. You (plural) need a joint account for visibilty
2. You (pural) need to sell one of your 3 fancy cars even if that means you (singular) sell your car then just drive one of your (plural) two other cars

We are both high earners but i would find this behaviour crazy... so would my dh. You don't make big purchases without a proper convo and financial plan... just shows its horses for courses