Husband said he was too tired for sex this evening. But caught him masturbating.

[Honeyrattle]

I was hoping for some advice and perspectives. I've been married to my husband for 3 years.

We are on holiday in a hotel. We had sex this morning. He didn't last long - he said he was tired; I said don't worry and i asked if we could do it again this evening. He said he'd be too tired this evening, but said let's do it tomorrow morning.

Earlier this afternoon, I came back to the hotel room. He said he was going to have a nap, so I didn't knock so as not to wake him. But he was masturbating (under the covers, with his phone in one hand). I pretended not to notice, out of shock/awkwardness.

Afterwards, I went for a walk alone and felt really upset. Is it reasonable to be upset? I feel like he chose watching porn (or something similar) over me. And we're on holiday.

Any advice is really appreciated. I'm feeling pretty down about it.

I'm his partner so I am responsible for making sure sex is mutually satisfying.

On what planet could this be reversed? When do women orgasm and then say “well, I’m done. Shame you didn’t manage it. I’ll be too tired later”

It’s always women who have to put up with this shit.

This is a good article, for any men reading this thread:

www.sciencealert.com/why-does-the-orgasm-gap-exist-a-psychologist-explains

I don't think it was the wank that was the problem. It was the watching other women using porn when she would've liked that attention/ intimacy.

Porn has without a doubt impacted how much sexual activity couples are enjoying together.

It isn’t necessary but some people like to use it. Or erotic literature etc.

No, it’s not necessary, but some people like it. Just as they like erotic literature or whatever. Also it’s not even been confirmed that OP’s partner WAS watching porn. She never saw him. Sounds to me like he was just having a lazy wank before his nap. It really isn’t any big deal.

You had to come back a few hours later and quote me again? You really are invested in porn aren't you?! Completely ignoring the OP's feelings and that SHE decides what the boundaries are around the use of porn in her relationship.

I forgot I’d already responded. However.

She hasn’t mentioned anything about her boundaries around porn. She hasn’t even mentioned porn at all.

all she mentioned is being upset her husband was having a wank when she wanted sex.

also, boundaries are something discussed by both people in a relationship. I don’t know why you’re getting so pissy at me saying ops husband has a right to not want sex but still wank quickly.

I replied to you because you replied to me.

Lots of weirdness in this thread but this is probably more sad - if you really think that a man masturbating to pictures or video of his partner is "improbable" or as someone else put it "naive".

What do you think people send each other nudes for? A chaste appreciation of the artistic framing?

Agreed. I’d have thought that people can set their boundaries about an issue in a relationship, not the boundaries.

Pedantic, but yeah I accept what you're saying, I didn't word that correctly. My point being that OP is hurt that he chose porn over her, and it's not our place to tell her that's not a big deal.

Nowhere did OP specifically mention porn…

He had his phone under the duvet while wanking. Are people being deliberately moronic?

It's not me who thinks it. It's based on research.
Please see previous link re; most common sexual fantasies.
Women send their nudes mostly to men they are newly dating. Do you really think people who have been married a long time send each other nudes that often? Moreover, they may not be used to masturbate to. When I was younger and foolish, my then husband and I took nude Polaroids of each other. To my knowledge he never looked at the photos after that. I didn't either. It was just for fun.
Hands up anybody here who uses nudes of their wife or husband to masturbate to.

I feel like he chose watching porn (or something similar) over me.

Seems like it. Or they have another agenda.

Wow there are some mental responses on here.

I'm quite sure that if the sexes were reversed, and a man was telling his tired wife that he was unsatisfied right after sex and expected to go again that night, he'd be labeled a disgusting sex pest on MN.

You think if a heterosexual couple had sex, the woman orgasmed and then they stopped having sex because she’d finished, despite him not finishing but wanting to, then her saying she would not be able to have sex again later because she’s too tired only for him then to walk in on her masturbating is a likely thing to happen?

How often do you think sex stops as soon as the woman orgams regardless of whether the man has? Don’t you see how normalised it is to consider sex to be for men’s pleasure only and women’s orgasms just being a happy, occasional side effect?

Get real. Women deserve to be considered during sex. They have the right to the same sexual satisfaction that their partner is getting.

Making out the woman is a “sex pest” because she wants to orgasm from sex with her husband just as he has is so regressive!

Why is that laughable? I've been married for years and my husband still wants sexy photos/videos of either myself or us together to use for his solo time. I just read an article stating that most men masturbate to their current partners and recent memories of sex that's fresh in their minds.

Got a link for that article?

I think you'll find most men use porn more than pics of their current partner- pretty sure in that. As are the stats of the traffic received by sites like porn hub daily, as well as surveys completed etc...

Sorry, but it might be what men tell their wives they do, but the research shows it is not common. I posted a link to a Psychology Today article about the top fantasies. Current partner was not among them.

Probably having an affair and sexting

Thanks everyone for the replies. It's been helpful to get other perspectives. The point that some of you made that masturbating is easier for him than sex, especially when tired, is helpful. Also that he may have been wanting to last longer next time

But ultimately, I still feel uncomfortable about it. He had his phone out, so it was probably porn. My issue is that he was watching other (hotter) women.

For clarity, I didn't complain about the sex in the morning. I just asked if we could do it again in the evening. What is wrong with a plan?

Just to clarify, I didn't! And often don't.

It’s not good enough. Have you asked him why he doesn’t care about whether you enjoy sex?

Having a wank just before or after a snooze is quite common, I know I do it! It's not really anything to do with sex, it's just almost like a comfort thing. Sex with another person requires effort and if you're tired then wanking is very easy in comparison.
It doesnt necessarily mean he is less likely to shag you later or tomorrow. To me having sex a couple of times a day is quite a lot, so not doing it for a day isn't the end of the world.