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Original poster

Husband said he was too tired for sex this evening. But caught him masturbating.

142 replies

Honeyrattle · 27/08/2024 20:46

I was hoping for some advice and perspectives. I've been married to my husband for 3 years.

We are on holiday in a hotel. We had sex this morning. He didn't last long - he said he was tired; I said don't worry and i asked if we could do it again this evening. He said he'd be too tired this evening, but said let's do it tomorrow morning.

Earlier this afternoon, I came back to the hotel room. He said he was going to have a nap, so I didn't knock so as not to wake him. But he was masturbating (under the covers, with his phone in one hand). I pretended not to notice, out of shock/awkwardness.

Afterwards, I went for a walk alone and felt really upset. Is it reasonable to be upset? I feel like he chose watching porn (or something similar) over me. And we're on holiday.

Any advice is really appreciated. I'm feeling pretty down about it.

OP posts:
Heedthaball · 27/08/2024 20:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun · 27/08/2024 20:54

Ime he has a porn issue if he prefers that to actual sex on holiday....

Fedup92 · 27/08/2024 20:57

Porn addict. I know this because I used to have a husband like this.

Giraffesareawesome · 27/08/2024 21:14

This would make me feel rubbish too OP. I know lots of men watch porn & it’s very normal bla bla bla but it do agree it’s odd on holiday when you’re both relaxed. How has your sex life been recently in general?

kkloo · 27/08/2024 21:16

How is your sex life normally?

cheshirebloke · 27/08/2024 21:25

He's having a wank this afternoon in the hope it'll help him last longer with you tomorrow morning. A bloke that cums too quick isn't getting enough sex (for him).

JIMMI85 · 27/08/2024 21:28

Hmmmm few issues here.

  • why was he pre-emoting he’d be too tired for sex some 12 hours before it was likely to happen? This is weird - however, if he is having performance issues, whether it be ED, PE or anything in between he may be embarrassed or feel pressurised to perform adequately.
  • A man can be tired but still be horny, but if he is tired and horny masturbation is easier than sex. Please don’t take it personally although I realise it’s difficult not to.
  • he could be releasing himself so he lasts longer in the evening. PE is embarrassing and sometimes a pre cum / wank can make a man last longer.
  • don’t assume he was looking at porn , and it definitely isn’t definitely a porn addiction. He could be looking at pics of you for all you know and even if he was looking at porn , unless he regularly says no to sex with you and chooses porn instead, it’s not an addiction, it’s a normal thing men do.
  • talk to him about it. Ask him for his reasons. That’s the only way you will know. Asking a forum full of women who will always back one another will not give you the answers you want.
Zanatdy · 27/08/2024 21:32

I would have a chat with him. As others have said, it might be he’s hoping that a wank would help him last longer. I’m assuming this isn’t a one off issue?

LettyToretto · 27/08/2024 21:32

I'm going to proffer that maybe he just wanted a quickie. There are times when I just want a quick orgasm and my partner is around; it doesn't mean I don't find him attractive. Masturbation is sometimes just a practical exercise, not emotional.

Myfavouriteflowers · 27/08/2024 21:40

Sounds like porn addiction to me.

MonsteraMama · 27/08/2024 21:41

Honestly? Sometimes I'm too tired for the whole fandango of sex and just want a quick 60 second O before a snooze. I truly wouldn't take this that personally if your sex life is otherwise good and satisfying. Sometimes you just want to get off quickly and have a nap, masturbation scratches a different itch to sex imho. Again, that's if your sex life is otherwise good.

FawnFrenchieMum · 27/08/2024 21:45

How’s your sex life generally. The whole ‘asking if we can do it’ just sounds a bit weird. Usually it just happens, especially when relaxed on holiday with no other commitments etc.

ZippyDenimBear · 27/08/2024 21:47

JIMMI85 · 27/08/2024 21:28

Hmmmm few issues here.

  • why was he pre-emoting he’d be too tired for sex some 12 hours before it was likely to happen? This is weird - however, if he is having performance issues, whether it be ED, PE or anything in between he may be embarrassed or feel pressurised to perform adequately.
  • A man can be tired but still be horny, but if he is tired and horny masturbation is easier than sex. Please don’t take it personally although I realise it’s difficult not to.
  • he could be releasing himself so he lasts longer in the evening. PE is embarrassing and sometimes a pre cum / wank can make a man last longer.
  • don’t assume he was looking at porn , and it definitely isn’t definitely a porn addiction. He could be looking at pics of you for all you know and even if he was looking at porn , unless he regularly says no to sex with you and chooses porn instead, it’s not an addiction, it’s a normal thing men do.
  • talk to him about it. Ask him for his reasons. That’s the only way you will know. Asking a forum full of women who will always back one another will not give you the answers you want.
Edited

Could've been looking at pics of you 😂😂

Yeah, right...

ZippyDenimBear · 27/08/2024 21:49

This will without a doubt deteriorate, guaranteed.

Of course you are not wrong to feel hurt.

Colinfromaccounts · 27/08/2024 21:56

Lots of men masturbate as a method of getting to sleep. It might have been functional rather than anything else.

JIMMI85 · 27/08/2024 21:57

ZippyDenimBear · 27/08/2024 21:47

Could've been looking at pics of you 😂😂

Yeah, right...

Show quote history

Tbf I had an album of me and my ex on my phone , with sexy pics and I would often use said pics and videos to have some ‘personal fun’

nothing weird or unusual about that….

JIMMI85 · 27/08/2024 21:59

Colinfromaccounts · 27/08/2024 21:56

Lots of men masturbate as a method of getting to sleep. It might have been functional rather than anything else.

This!!! I do most nights ( when I’m single ) - it releases hormones - ever wondered why a guy wants to go to sleep after sex?

Wordsofprey · 27/08/2024 22:21

ZippyDenimBear · 27/08/2024 21:47

Could've been looking at pics of you 😂😂

Yeah, right...

Show quote history

Lol, exactly what I thought. Naive doesn't cut it 🙄

Ilovelurchers · 27/08/2024 22:29

He could have been looking at pics of her, especially if they have ever made sex videos or whatever. It's not that unusual to do this!!!!

Or he could have been reading on-line erotica. Or could have been scrolling general stuff while wanking.

I don't think we can all leap to convict him of porn use with no further evidence.

I completely see why you feel upset OP - you feel he kind of rejected the offer of sex tonight - but on the other hand you did have sex this morning, and are planning it tomorrow morning, so it's not like your sex life is a vast desert of hopeless yearning......

Masturbation is a private thing in my opinion and quite separate from sex with a partner, and I think everyone is allowed that private time and it doesn't really reflect on your feelings for your loved one at all. As long as the relationship still contains sexual intimacy (which yours clearly does).

So I think on the whole you should try to forget it and enjoy your holiday!

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2024 22:34

Why did you ask if you could have sex later that evening right after you've had sex? Sex that wasn't the greatest because he was tired. That's just odd, and it may make someone, maybe your husband, feel pressured. Why wouldn't you just have a lovely day and then see what develops naturally in the evening?

AdviceNeeded2024 · 27/08/2024 22:41

It is far more effort to have sex and please someone than just please yourself. Maybe he couldn’t be bothered with sex today as he’s too tired, or was feeling sorry for himself after his performance earlier.

Maybe it was to help him relax. Maybe it was so he’d last longer later with you. I wouldn’t automatically jump to porn addiction unless there’s other issues you’ve not mentioned.

Maybe it’s a million things but you won’t know unless you talk to him and tell him how you feel.

JIMMI85 · 27/08/2024 22:50

AdviceNeeded2024 · 27/08/2024 22:41

It is far more effort to have sex and please someone than just please yourself. Maybe he couldn’t be bothered with sex today as he’s too tired, or was feeling sorry for himself after his performance earlier.

Maybe it was to help him relax. Maybe it was so he’d last longer later with you. I wouldn’t automatically jump to porn addiction unless there’s other issues you’ve not mentioned.

Maybe it’s a million things but you won’t know unless you talk to him and tell him how you feel.

This. Exactly all of this!

I’m surprised everyone is focusing on the porn use. Actually i’m Not surprised really…but the more pressing issue is why did you ask him for round 2 OP immediately after you had sex? And why did he foresee he would be tired some 12 hours later?

it can only be because he either felt pressurised, felt bad about not lasting very long, or was worried the same would happen again.

nobody should need to pre plan sex with a partner ( those with young kids possibly an exception ) - just go with the flow!!!

Eldrick47s · 27/08/2024 23:49

Giraffesareawesome · 27/08/2024 21:14

This would make me feel rubbish too OP. I know lots of men watch porn & it’s very normal bla bla bla but it do agree it’s odd on holiday when you’re both relaxed. How has your sex life been recently in general?

Think it's fine (in moderation) as long as it doesn't impede on sex which unfortunately appears to be the case with OP.

PansyPolly · 27/08/2024 23:54

MonsteraMama · 27/08/2024 21:41

Honestly? Sometimes I'm too tired for the whole fandango of sex and just want a quick 60 second O before a snooze. I truly wouldn't take this that personally if your sex life is otherwise good and satisfying. Sometimes you just want to get off quickly and have a nap, masturbation scratches a different itch to sex imho. Again, that's if your sex life is otherwise good.

Hell, yes to this.

InevitableNameChanger · 27/08/2024 23:56

I think the best thing is to chat to him. Maybe once you are both back if you don't want to pile the pressure on on holiday.

Do you often ask him to commit to sex in advance? I had to put my foot down on DH asking me this as I like sex to be spontaneous not scheduled and because he used to get upset if I said I would and then didn't feel up to it. (Autism!).

I think it's totally fine to masturbate when in a relationship. Better perhaps than wanting a partner to have sex just to meet your needs. But equally it sounds like something isnt going right in your relationship and you both need to chat