Husband said he was too tired for sex this evening. But caught him masturbating.

[Honeyrattle]

I was hoping for some advice and perspectives. I've been married to my husband for 3 years.

We are on holiday in a hotel. We had sex this morning. He didn't last long - he said he was tired; I said don't worry and i asked if we could do it again this evening. He said he'd be too tired this evening, but said let's do it tomorrow morning.

Earlier this afternoon, I came back to the hotel room. He said he was going to have a nap, so I didn't knock so as not to wake him. But he was masturbating (under the covers, with his phone in one hand). I pretended not to notice, out of shock/awkwardness.

Afterwards, I went for a walk alone and felt really upset. Is it reasonable to be upset? I feel like he chose watching porn (or something similar) over me. And we're on holiday.

Any advice is really appreciated. I'm feeling pretty down about it.

IKR. I snorted tea out my nose when I read that.

Meh. My partner masturbates to pictures of me sometimes and to porn sometimes. It’s not snort the tea impossible, you know.

It's snort the tea level improbable.
Your husband may say he looks at your pictures when he masturbates. Do you know for a fact that he does?

Loads of people pre-plan sex as part of a healthy sex life because it gives them something to look forward to and they like to anticipate it through the day.

"When I get home I'm going to do X".
"Later I'm going to wear that thing that you like".

I really don't think there's anything weird or unusual about asking about having sex that night either, "Can we have sex later" might sound a bit weird and formal or like she was disappointed but it's also possible to ask in a sexy, cheeky or flirty way. We don't know what way she said it.

This sounds like really good advice. Particularly the last bit

I think that his explaination is feasible. Unlike sex, porn is a passive thing. You watch, lay down, and just do it. Whereas during sex, you gotta make sure the other person loves it and you gotta put your all into it.

There have been lots of very different suggestions posted here of what he might be thinking. But that is people guessing based on one paragraph you have written and not really knowing anything about your partner. Their suggestions are just based on their own experiences, which are really nothing to do with your partner.

The biggest concern, IMO, is that you don't seem to feel confident speaking to him about it. And I say that as someone who was also in a relationship where we didn't discuss difficult feelings around intimate situations well enough. It was the weakest part of our relationship for several years and perhaps the best change we ever made was getting over that hurdle and just talking about it.

IMO, to take your relationship to the next level, you will need to be able to speak to each other about these types of situations, or else you'll never have a truly stable relationship - the kind that can weather the inevitabe storms of life. It can be hard to get over this hump, but it is really important. Good luck with it!

Oh, and it is important to try your very best not to make the conversation confrontational. Let him know how you feel, but also ask him how he feels, in a tone of mutual empathy. It is often better to wait until you have both calmed down first. Often best to wait hours before talking about it, but not days or weeks (or never).

I’m surprised everyone is focusing on the porn use.

I'm surprised and sad that porn is a go-to thing rather than two people getting together for a loving relationship with true body touching and turning each other on.

I don't think the use of porn makes for a great relationship.

In fact it is really disturbing that women and girls are used in this way to satisfy (creepy) men. Age old problem. Just all online now.

Why did you ask if you could have sex later that evening right after you've had sex?

Why not?

I'd guess she has a higher sex drive than him and he's not interested. Because of porn?

Sex and wanking are different. If I’ve had a long day or tired im defo not up for sex but I can finish myself off quickly. And yes I am a female who watches porn sometimes. It doesn’t reflect how I feel about my partner.

Also to those who say “scheduling” or “planning” sex is weird, it’s not. Some couples inc me and my boyfriend who are in our twenties do this, sex isn’t always a spur of the moment thing and some couples don’t do quickies because one or both of them take a while to finish during sex. It’s also hard to have sex during hot weather during the day, I assume it’s v warm where OP is on holiday. It’s still hot/romantic even if it’s planned.. Just means you have time to look forward to it and to make sure we aren’t busy with anything else.

if he kept saying no to sex for weeks and was still wanking I would start worrying, but not as a one off. I think saying he has an issue with porn based on this one post is a bit extreme. Some people on this forum just like saying stuff like thaw to cause drama, I swear.

i would suggest you talk to your partner about it and stay calm. People on here aren’t going to help.

No matter how improbable it may be, it’s hardly snorting tea out of your nose level hilarious or shocking. Most of the things I read on here which apparently have made people spit drinks everywhere seldom get so much as a giggle from me. I know everyone has different humour but it’s hard to believe that people are being genuine when they say things like that. It’s highly likely he was watching porn, I agree, but even so.

Pre booking sex just makes it sound so mundane, like a chore that needs to be done.
Is it ever spontaneous?

It was as much surprise as amusement. I was surprised that anybody would think men who use internet porn jerk off to photos of their wives. I am also easily amused. I don't know what else to tell you and don't understand why you are making such an issue of it. Why not just let people enjoy themselves.

Porn addictions can absolutely impact sex within relationships, so can excessive masturbation for men as they get death grip.

But also masturbation is quick, easy and you don't have to worry about anyone else. It is also typically incredibly healthy, even in long term relationships.

He may just be tired and it's okay not to want to have sex for a little while... but it's important that is communicated properly.

Do you think there is an underlying issue or is this out of character?

If it hasnt happened before, I would take the pressure off a bit and don't ask to schedule it in. See if he initiates. (Obviously I don't mean forever, just for a few days.)

It's a myth that men want sex all the time... they are quite emotional creatures (the irony after what is said about us women) and many things impact their libidos.

Completely agree.

Maybe he was just tired, if he's any good then masturbating will be easier/quicker than having sex. I can see why you are feeling hurt, but I honestly would try and forget it. He may have also felt embarrassed about earlier and so didn't want a repeat of the situation. I'd personally not mention it as I think if he is having some kind of mental block/ED thing it will only make it worse.

People are weird about porn on here even though most men have used it on occasion I'm sure

Come on, we can be weird about a guy beating off to another woman when we're literally in the next room and have been told sex is off the cards. It's really hurtful.

I agree, I'm just saying unless it's a regular thing then best not to overthink it

Yes, I do know this for a fact.

Which is why I said it factually, as opposed to “I believe my partner does…” or similar phrasing.

Like I said, sometimes someone just doesn’t want sex

I get mn hates porn but I’d be interested to see people’s thoughts if the genders were reversed here.

Plenty of women use it too

JFC there's some unhinged responses on here.

Sometimes you just want to masturbate ffs.

Exactly, it really doesn't need to be a big deal