Husband said he was too tired for sex this evening. But caught him masturbating.

[Honeyrattle]

I was hoping for some advice and perspectives. I've been married to my husband for 3 years.

We are on holiday in a hotel. We had sex this morning. He didn't last long - he said he was tired; I said don't worry and i asked if we could do it again this evening. He said he'd be too tired this evening, but said let's do it tomorrow morning.

Earlier this afternoon, I came back to the hotel room. He said he was going to have a nap, so I didn't knock so as not to wake him. But he was masturbating (under the covers, with his phone in one hand). I pretended not to notice, out of shock/awkwardness.

Afterwards, I went for a walk alone and felt really upset. Is it reasonable to be upset? I feel like he chose watching porn (or something similar) over me. And we're on holiday.

Any advice is really appreciated. I'm feeling pretty down about it.

I’ve literally never heard of a woman orgasming and then feeling disappointed that her partner didn’t last long after wards.

Dunno, mates. I’m just saying she didn’t say.

I usually orgasm during foreplay and again during sex. Life’s rich pageant, and all.

And if you were complaining about your brief sexual encounter would you not think you’d include pertinent details such as you orgasming twice during? No?

Stop being ridiculous

Why am I being ridiculous, rather than just different to you?

If DP finishes before I orgasm a second time, I will probably have a wank straight after.

But then, I wouldn’t feel affronted by him having an afternoon wank, with porn or without.

Would be dull if we were all the same, wouldn’t it?

Because you’d already orgasmed and so had he… which is not what has happened here.

He didn’t have a wank because SHE finished before him. She wasn’t given the opportunity or curtesy to finish, even once.

Surely you're aware that people more frequently fantasize about people who are not their partners?

"Few fantasize about their regular partners. Many dream of unconventional sex."

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/202107/the-7-most-popular-and-powerful-sexual-fantasies

I thought most people knew this. I don't like to burst anybody's bubble, but I do think it's better to face reality. Folks, it is unlikely your partner thinks about you when he/she masturbates, therefore it's unlikely he/she is using pictures of you. Sorry.
But a mutual friend? Absolutely, if he/she finds this person attractive.

You seem to have misunderstood the poster's point. What's ridiculous is not your sexual habits, but thinking OP would be here complaining about this if she was satisfied with the sex she'd had in the morning.

"That was a great lay and I came twice. I guess I'll go on Mumsnet and complain about how he didn't last long enough and wouldn't do it again later on to make up for it." said nobody ever.

If a man has sex with his wife and then asked her immediately after if they could have sex later he'd probably be accused of being a deviant sex abuser on MN. That being said - it's his body and he can do what he wants with it including wank in private. You have to talk to him and if he won't be honest you lump it or leave.

She is a full grown woman, he is not the gatekeeper of her orgasms.
I have had sex where DP orgasms and I haven't, I've also had four orgasms and him none.

You can give yourself an orgasm during sex. Or immediately after sex. If I was close to an orgasm when DP finished I'm not just going to miss out. And if DP hasn't finished by the time we're both nackered one of us will usually finish him off an easier way.

If you're putting all the responsibility for your sexual pleasure on your partner no wonder you're feeling unsatisfied. And people are allowed to be too tired for sex but still want orgasms. A great way to achieve that is mutual masturbation but that takes being open with your partner.

She is a full grown woman who wishes to orgasm during sex with her husband the same as her husband does.
She doesn’t want to be used as a sex doll before skulking away to masturbate.

It’s not unreasonable to expect your husband to want to make sure you’re sexually satisfied, especially when he has orgasmed.

I note that OP hasn't come back and that, for some reason, me pointing out posters are responding to something she never said has caused stroppery.

So I think I will pop off too. Might go for a wank or summat. 😏

Sex is a lot more aerobic work than masturbating. So quite possible to be too tired for sex but ok for a wank.

It's this

If you're putting all the responsibility for your sexual pleasure on your partner no wonder you're feeling unsatisfied.

Agree. It's not the responsibility of a partner to make sure you reach orgasm, whether the partner is male or female.

It is absolutely the responsibility of your partner to ensure you’re having sex that is mutually satisfying.

I just don't think it is. I'm telling them what I want. I know my body much better than any man or woman ever will. They can't read my mind. And if it doesn't happen, then there's (mutual) masturbation.

You do realise that your partner is the one bringing you to orgasm during mutual masturbation?

Furthermore, in OP’s case, which is what we’re supposed to be discussing, when he had orgasamed, after not very long, the sex was over. He did not touch her to satisfy her. He takes no responsibility for her satisfaction.
What you are suggesting and what you expect in reality are not the same thing.

Well, I mean I'm aware I could have phrased that wrong, I'm not English. I mean, we'll masturbate together, next to each other.

But thanks for being patronising. It's always nice.

Oh my god some of the replies on here...

He's not got a porn addiction. It could be that as others have suggested he wanted to last longer and masturbating beforehand can help.

Or it could be that he just wanted a Tommy tank. He's a bloke. What's the big deal

Probably true. They should communicate.

I absolutely disagree. Your partner is not solely responsible for meeting any of your needs. They are not responsible for your social needs, your dietary needs, your financial needs and they are not responsible for your entire sexual needs. You dont get to just lie back and be fully satisfied at the hands of your partner every time. Good sex is a two person job, and just becuase, we're assuming, OPs partner ejaculated, does not mean he's finding the sex satisfactory either.

None of us know the ins and outs of OPs sex life. But if one person is eager for more sex and the other is complaining of being too tired then there is likely a workload imbalance either in the bedroom or in life.

We can't comment on OPs full sex life with the info they've given, but being too tired for sex doesn't mean you're wrong for masturbating.

I also agree with pp in regards to mutual masturbation applying to just masturbating together.

Why are you ascribing things to me that I haven’t written?

“Your partner is not solelyresponsible for meeting any of your needs”

I said your partner is responsible for making sure sex is MUTUALLY satisfying.

Do you know what, you’re all entitled to let your men orgasm inside you and then stop all sexual activity. Decline sex with you and then masturbate over porn. You’re all welcome to masturbate alone or in front of him. I really don’t care.

What you are not entitled to do is say that OP should be satisfied with this. Because she is not satisfied with it… hence the thread!

You're saying your partner is responsible for making sure you both orgasm? He's responsible for his pleasure and your pleasure. That's making him SOLELY responsible. You're not factoring in your own responsibility to your own pleasure and to that of your partner. He doesn't want more sex, so he's clearly not finding it that pleasurable either. He's also complaining that it's too tiring, but OP is not at all worn out, so it doesn't sound like they're working equally as hard does it?

Reverse the sexes and it would be completely different, a man complaining that he's on holiday, his partner complained she was too tired to finish him off when they had sex in the morning, then when he complained and wanted her to commit to sex again hours later despite her also being on holiday. And when she says she'll still be too tired saying well the next morning then. And then complaining that she's masturbating when she won't even give him sex. He'd be a sex pest that was clearly shit at pleasuring her and he's being lazy because she's clearly tired from doing everything else all the time. But no, it's a woman pestering a man for sex and complaining that he dared to touch his own penis, somehow, he's still a sex pest that's shit at sex.

I have zero complaints about my sex life thanks, becuase we BOTH put the effort in and don't pressure the other to perform when not in the mood.