Husband said he was too tired for sex this evening. But caught him masturbating.

[Honeyrattle]

I was hoping for some advice and perspectives. I've been married to my husband for 3 years.

We are on holiday in a hotel. We had sex this morning. He didn't last long - he said he was tired; I said don't worry and i asked if we could do it again this evening. He said he'd be too tired this evening, but said let's do it tomorrow morning.

Earlier this afternoon, I came back to the hotel room. He said he was going to have a nap, so I didn't knock so as not to wake him. But he was masturbating (under the covers, with his phone in one hand). I pretended not to notice, out of shock/awkwardness.

Afterwards, I went for a walk alone and felt really upset. Is it reasonable to be upset? I feel like he chose watching porn (or something similar) over me. And we're on holiday.

Any advice is really appreciated. I'm feeling pretty down about it.

That's a hell of an assertion, based on nothing physiological at all.
A myriad of reasons for premature ejeculation exist

It all depends on how comfortable and open you are with each other about sexual matters. Why were you awkward about him masturbating? Your use of the word 'caught' makes it seem like he has done something majorly wrong. Could you not have joined him and turned it into a lovemaking session? Obviously if both aren't that open about things, then it probably wouldn't work.
Speak to him honestly about how you felt without being accusatory. Why is he so tired while on holiday? Is it a health thing, boredom, or lack of interest?

Porn isn't necessary for a wank. Using porn in the vicinity of your partner, who you've just rebuffed, when they could walk in on you at any time is pretty disrespectful of their feelings.

And many women, too. I do. Doesn't mean I don't want sex on other occasions, or that I have a porn addiction.

I find it odd that he said he would be too tired for sex in the evening then went for a nap and a wank. How can he know he will be tired? Was he hoping the nap and wank would make him able to perform in the evening after all? @Honeyrattle any update? Did you ask for round 2 that evening as the morning sex was so quick you didn’t orgasm? In which case I’d be asking him to pleasure you after he’d finished- fingers/toy whatever rather than booking in a next appointment in the hope it was satisfactory…

This in spades. Very well measured post, especially around not listening to MNers going on about being porn addicted.

He wasn't in the vicinity of his partner, I assumed she had left the room but came back and surprised him. It's not like she was lying next to him!

Gosh. He just wanted a quick wank

I’m a woman, and this is how I see it. My partner doesn’t always want sex when I do. Occasionally, when this happens, I use porn in order to get me off quickly, when I can’t be bothered to use my imagination, and it helps me to relax before bed. It’s no big deal. Most people do it. My partner does. Does it offend me? Nope.

I don’t always want sex when he does. If he wants to get himself off, then that’s fair enough! If it helps him relax, then it helps him relax. Everyone is entitled to a bit of alone time.

Sex requires a lot of physical, emotional, and mental effort, which people aren’t always able to put in.

This literally would not phase me at all and would be completely expected for both my DP and myself. A "knockout wank" before a nap is not exceptional.

Masturbation and sex are not the same thing. It's like saying you asked him to make a Sunday dinner and he said he was too tired but then you caught him eating a pot noodle. No-one would be accusing him of having a pot noodle addiction.

You had sex in the morning, you already complained it wasn't good enough and wanted to plan more for later. The expectation and demand when presumably you're in a hot place aswell is too much. It sounds like you're making it a chore already tbh. I'd feel pretty shit about myself if DP asked me immediately after sex if we could do it again that day becuase he was unsatisfied. Can you suggest masturbating together? Do you take on a fair share of the effort?

Sex and masturbation are two completely different things. One requires a lot of effort (if done correctly). The other doesn't. Masturbation is just about the release. A lot of people use it as a way to help them relax, unwind, or sleep. Sex is objectively and subjectively better (which is why people spent most of their lives persuing it, rather than wanking-only instead), but when you're tired or stressed it can take too much physical and mental energy. It takes very little energy to fiddle with youself under the blanket. Porn makes it even quicker/easier.

Sounds like a tactical wank in prep for your next session.

I frequently masturbate even though I might not feel like having sex with my partner. The two are very different things with different motivations. Just because I might want to experience certain sensations doesn't mean I'm obligated to share my body with someone else in order to fulfil those needs. Sometimes I prefer sex, sometimes I don't. I'm shocked that this is an issue for some people, surely people are entitled to experience pleasure in their own body without having to engage in sex with another person?

If it were me, I'd have asked to see his phone, to make sure it wasn't someone we knew.

Then I'd have chatted with him.

What??!!

So the consensus here is the thought of him wanking over pics of his wife is spitting out tea absurdly funny; yet wanking over pics on his phone of a mutual friend is viable?

😂

This is a huge overreach. I also think that’s a massive invasion of his privacy. I’d be alarmed and humiliated if a partner asked me to hand over what I was viewing during a private act.

Sooooo many people saying sex and masturbation are completely different, the latter takes less effort etc....Surely that's OP's point? He didn't satisfy her this morning, nor can he be arsed to later?

It is true though, especially in relationships where you have the connection with your partner (as opposed to a ONS). Masturbation is different it’s a quick release and as long as it doesn’t impede your sex life there’s nothing wrong with it in a relationship.

Your last point is especially relevant though, they need to communicate as a couple as OP perceives this as he can’t be arsed, maybe there’s more too it, maybe not. If his performance is not great I guarantee that’s pressure and stress which is no doubt affecting him, most people enjoy pleasing their partner (I appreciate sometimes some people don’t give a shit about their partner only their own needs though!)

Either way, communication about sex in relationships should be more open I think.

He’s making no effort for sex to be enjoyable for you if this is a common theme in your sex life. I’ve been through this and it does not get better. Having sex that is perfunctory on his part, while he is accessing pornography to masturbate, is not going to be satisfying for you. He could easily ensure you orgasm even if he has already finished.
Porn addicts are terrible in bed.

How often do you have sex with your partner, where only you orgasm, then tell them you’ll be too tired to have sex again… only to then masturbate so that you can orgasm again?

Again, how often do you orgasm, make no attempt to ensure your partner does, stop having sex and tell your partner you’ll be too tired for sex later and then masturbate so that you can orgasm again?

OP didn’t say she didn’t orgasm when they had sex, she said he didn’t last long.

You think she orgasmed?

If she had orgasmed, chances are the sex lasted long enough and this wouldn’t be an issue.