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Original poster

Partner moved in now wants to bring cat

598 replies

Alyssah2 · 26/08/2024 16:43

So my partner moved in about a month ago after living with his parents. He has a pet cat. He moved in without the cat and things were going really well. Now his parents and he is saying he has to bring his cat because it’s not his parents responsibility to look after his cat. However I didn’t agree to having his cat stay with us and I wanted a pet free home. I had no intention to have a pet cat and I thought he understood that after he moved in without it. Now they’re saying they come as a package and I have to let his cat in, which I really don’t want to do. I feel that since it’s my house that I bought as a solo homebuyer that I should surely get a say in who I allow into my home. What would you do?

OP posts:
FuzzyPuffling · 26/08/2024 21:48

Please don't lumber your child with LoserDad. You both deserve so much better.

samanthablues · 26/08/2024 21:48

AwesomeThanks · 26/08/2024 21:45

£200/ month is a joke, you are supporting him, send him back OP
Look up cocklodger.

That's my monthly coffee budget at Starbucks.

DeliciousApples · 26/08/2024 21:49

He's staying with you for free. (The £200 doesn't count as that's for his child's welfare).

No. Not acceptable. You deserve better.

Get him told that you can't take him on with or without the cat and while he's welcome round to see your child at mutually convenient times until he is prepared to help financially and pay his way he can't stay.

Never put him on the mortgage. It's your home not his.

You have bills for things like electricity etc that he will be using. He should half in. He's being stingy.

He's a mummy's boy. She prob wants shot of him too. Don't you take his cock lodging ass on.

You should claim benefits as a single mum if you're entitled and you're more likely to get them based on a single claim than two of you.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 26/08/2024 21:51

Alyssah2 · 26/08/2024 20:45

He’s 30. Never lived independently, always with parents. He doesn’t have savings, uses all his money on cars and takeaways and other stuff. He works full time on minimum wage

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And what was that reasoning or logic for having a child with him? Or even being in a relationship with him?

EnjoyingTheSilence · 26/08/2024 21:53

Change the locks and send him back to his parents

OnTheBoardwalk · 26/08/2024 21:54

Team cat here. Cat should dump both of you, you both sound exhausting

GeorgeCrabtreesAuntBegonia · 26/08/2024 22:00

Alyssah2 · 26/08/2024 21:16

This is real. I obviously have to think very long and hard about this because the alternative is me being stuck alone as a single mum and struggling to find anyone else to take me and my child on. I’ve got a family unit here so I do need to consider whether it’s worth keeping

Show quote history

I hope this doesn’t come across as patronising, I promise it isn’t meant that way.
I was a single parent for several years. Like you, I was doing ok. I owned my ( mortgaged ) home, had 2 children - and a cat! We were a happy family unit. Yes, you do need a life of your own away from being a mum and the breadwinner, but, you were doing all that before he moved himself in. I feel quite hurt for you that you feel you need someone to take you and your child on. You don’t, honestly, you really don’t. you really are enough.
I was on my own, yes I had a couple of not very good relationships and (when I wasn’t looking) I met this amazing man. Only child, different religions, and 10 years younger than me. His parents welcomed me with open arms, my children were loved and cherished, and almost 40 years on we’ve been a very happy family.
I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine this evening so please excuse me if it doesn’t make as much sense as I want it to. I guess I am trying to say don’t write yourself off so easily. It’s not easy being a single parent but it’s a lot easier than being in a relationship that isn’t right.

You have a family unit there and only you know whether it’s worth keeping, no-one here can tell you but you have to look really deep down and decide if it’s what you want and if you could do better. You have done so well so far on your own, for what it’s worth, my personal opinion is that you can. You are stronger than you think x

NicoleSkidman · 26/08/2024 22:00

Alyssah2 · 26/08/2024 17:03

No he’s not pulling his weight financially. I pay over a grand in bills and mortgage, he’s paying 200 which is what he paid in child maintenance whilst we were separated.

You’re mad to let this arrangement persist. He needs to pay you rent and you can use that money for whatever you like. If that includes paying your mortgage then he has no right to demand to be named on the mortgage.

Do you even like him? It doesn’t sound like it. Get rid.

Zanatdy · 26/08/2024 22:03

Well he’s right, why didn’t you have this conversation before he moved in? Assume he will now have to move out.

oideSchachtel · 26/08/2024 22:03

I’d take the cat and kick him out, personally

Best solution 😉!

Matsukaze · 26/08/2024 22:03

GeorgeCrabtreesAuntBegonia · 26/08/2024 22:00

I hope this doesn’t come across as patronising, I promise it isn’t meant that way.
I was a single parent for several years. Like you, I was doing ok. I owned my ( mortgaged ) home, had 2 children - and a cat! We were a happy family unit. Yes, you do need a life of your own away from being a mum and the breadwinner, but, you were doing all that before he moved himself in. I feel quite hurt for you that you feel you need someone to take you and your child on. You don’t, honestly, you really don’t. you really are enough.
I was on my own, yes I had a couple of not very good relationships and (when I wasn’t looking) I met this amazing man. Only child, different religions, and 10 years younger than me. His parents welcomed me with open arms, my children were loved and cherished, and almost 40 years on we’ve been a very happy family.
I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine this evening so please excuse me if it doesn’t make as much sense as I want it to. I guess I am trying to say don’t write yourself off so easily. It’s not easy being a single parent but it’s a lot easier than being in a relationship that isn’t right.

You have a family unit there and only you know whether it’s worth keeping, no-one here can tell you but you have to look really deep down and decide if it’s what you want and if you could do better. You have done so well so far on your own, for what it’s worth, my personal opinion is that you can. You are stronger than you think x

Show quote history

This. Totally this.

Paisleydad · 26/08/2024 22:04

He should be ashamed of himself.

It sounds as though his mum and dad are.

This man diminishes your life. He thinks you're his meal ticket.

maryberryslayers · 26/08/2024 22:04

For goodness sake, he's not 'taken you on' you've taken him on and you don't need him! What's the point of having a leach for a partner regardless of if he's your baby's father. He's costing more than he's giving you! Pack his things and tell him to go home.
A man sponging off you isn't a 'family unit'.
Stop being a push over.
The bloody cat is the least of your worries!

ResultsMayVary · 26/08/2024 22:06

I would ask for the key back and ask him to move back with his parents.

While you are living separately you can discuss whether he can move in and under what conditions.

If you do want to live with him could you maybe rent out your home and rent a place with him where he is responsible for 50% of everything and in return he gets equal say?

That said I don't think I could get past him moving in without discussing it and being unwilling to pay his fair share topped off with his parents enabling him.

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2024 22:09

Alyssah2 · 26/08/2024 17:44

My final say is that he can stay but the cat stays at his parents, not with me. He won’t be contributing more financially as he said he’s not paying my mortgage unless his name is on the house, which I am not going to do

Then he goes.

Even if he doesn't pay the mortgage he needs to pay half the bills minimum]

Why is he calling all the shots?

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2024 22:11

Alyssah2 · 26/08/2024 20:37

Yes he has the spare key

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Get the locks changed

samanthablues · 26/08/2024 22:11

OnTheBoardwalk · 26/08/2024 21:54

Team cat here. Cat should dump both of you, you both sound exhausting

I was not on 'team cat' but that might change. I feel bad because no one wants him, he's the biggest victim of the story.

Vabenejulio · 26/08/2024 22:12

Seriously OP, you only have yourself to blame for this. You had a baby with this catch of a man (assuming it was voluntary), you gave him a spare key, you haven't kicked him out, you're thinking that this man and his cat > you as a single woman, he contributes 200 quid a month (200!!), he has no financial nous... What on EARTH do you see in this man child?

It's him you should be getting chippy with, not posters on here. Kick him out. His parents clearly want rid of him too hence all the "he and the cat are YOUR family unit/responsibility now". He's gone from having his parents look after him to having you look after him, his baby and his cat. Incredible what donating a bit of sperm can entitle you to, apparently.

Your baby doesn't need his cat or him to be living under your roof for him/her to have a good parental relationship. (Frankly, he can start by cutting back on takeaways and cars and cat food and spending more money on his child if he wants to improve his parenting).

MounjaroUser · 26/08/2024 22:12

Alyssah2 · 26/08/2024 21:16

This is real. I obviously have to think very long and hard about this because the alternative is me being stuck alone as a single mum and struggling to find anyone else to take me and my child on. I’ve got a family unit here so I do need to consider whether it’s worth keeping

Show quote history

Can you see that you are effectively paying him to live with you? He doesn't contribute £200 per month - that's child support. He doesn't pay any bills at all - you are paying for his food, his electricity, his council tax etc for the privilege of having this complete waste of space living with you.

No wonder he doesn't get on with his parents - they are sick to death of him. However, you don't have to let him stay in your place. You can take back his key when he's asleep. You can tell him on his next day off that he has to go to his parents' house - or wherever. You have enough responsibilities with a baby to care for. Don't pay a useless man to live with you without even being asked.

Who's going to decide your fate - you or him?

Eldrick47s · 26/08/2024 22:13

Viewfrommyhouse · 26/08/2024 16:55

Christ, that was bit of a drip feed. 😳

Lol..."oh and he's the father of my baby". Maybe OP thought that was too trivial to mention after all the cat issue trumps that minor detail.

GoldenLegend · 26/08/2024 22:14

Honestly, cats are largely self-service.

This guy, however, invest in a roll of bin bags and change your locks.

ALovelyCupOfNameChange · 26/08/2024 22:15

The cat did come part of the package. When I moved in with DH he knew if he wanted me, the cat was coming regardless of his feelings for it.

however I think that’s the least of your issues right now.

keep the cat and kick him out?

venusandmars · 26/08/2024 22:15

@Alyssah2 I haven't seen you say anything about the relationship between the two of you. Do you love him, respect him? Do you share the same goals and values? Does he love you and respect you?

I think you sound stable, organised motived. He doesn;t seems to be any of those. He may be the father of your child but that doesn't make you 'family'.

If you do love him and want to have a relationship with him I'd tell him that the whole 'moving in' has to be renegotiated, and done properly. It starts with him moving back to his parents and returning your key. Then you start from there. You discuss and agree how many nights he might stay over, and how much time he spends at his parents. You discuss and agree how much he will contribute towards bills (not the mortgage) and the the shared costs of looking after your child. You discuss and agree what will happen with regards to his cat.

I suspect you might find that you are miles apart in terms of what you think is the right balance.

I think his parents seem pretty keen to shift everything to being your responsibility. That tells you a lot.

Viviennemary · 26/08/2024 22:15

I don't blame e his parents for wanting rid of the cat. It's his cat. He is responsible for it. If this is a deal breaker for you then it looks like the end of the relationship.

PinkyFlamingo · 26/08/2024 22:15

Alyssah2 · 26/08/2024 20:42

you need a reality check. He forced himself in. He stayed himself after saying he’s only staying a few nights.

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Forced? You should have phoned the Police then.