realising male friends are garbage

[sadmillenial]

This is a rant, i know, so bear with me

Im 41 and fairly recently single, and since putting myself on dating apps i have had advances from almost all my single male friends. Even those i have known for years and considered proper mates.

This is not a humble brag to show how awesome i am, lol. These guys are very open about the fact they dont want a relationship with me but are open to "respectful sex that has mutually agreed boundaries" They are also almost exclusively in their 30s.

Do i just have terrible taste in friends, or are all men opportunistic arseholes??

The latter, only I would say it's most men. A minority of them are not sex obsessed dickheads who objectify women, but their numbers are shrinking all the time thanks to internet porn and creepy MRA propaganda. If it keeps shrinking at the current rate it will probably be almost all of them within a decade.

Yeah, in my experience men - married or single - largely only pursue friendships with women with whom, under the “right circumstances”, they’d be keen to get a leg over. NAMALT blah blah but it reckon it runs around 90 percent this way. I don’t bother with friendships with men unless they’re gay.

At least it's the single ones!

A couple of men came out the woodwork when I divorced. Assumed I must be gagging for it. They weren't my friends after that.

OP, my experiences were similar. I have been with my partner for 3 years and, so far, only one of his friends has tried it on with me. My partner knows. But I tend to keep my male friendships to an absolute minimum nowadays because of this.

My previous boyfriend, when I split up with him, one of his friends started with the 2am 'friendly' messaging and another told me he was in love with me. I was 46 t the time.

I separated from my husband when I was 37 amdna significant number of male friends, colleagues, dads of my children's friends, men I knew through hobbies, all married, made inappropriate advances. It wasn't all or even the majority but a significant enough minority to male me very wary.

Some of the married men who've approached me over the past 12 years have been outwardly decent family men and loyal husbands.

I don't seek male validation, flirt and I know I was trusted by their wives because I didn't give off any manhunting vibes! I was happily single for a good amount of time and valued my friendships with their wives.

Still didn't stop them.

I always read on here with amusement when women say they have a good male friend who has never tried it on with them and has never even considered them in a sexual way. Because they all have. They've all noticed when the woman looks 'hot' or when she moves in a way he finds attractive etc. They've all considered their female friends in a sexual way, even if only fleetingly, and immediately rejected them sexually mentally.

in my experience men - married or single - largely only pursue friendships with women with whom, under the “right circumstances”, they’d be keen to get a leg over

I don't necessarily agree with this but they will definitely all have considered it!

I dunno. I have lots of male friends and if I were single and they were single they'd probably be a worthwhile dating pool compared to the dross in the real dating pool. I don't see why it's a bad thing if a single guy who has liked you for you for years also approaches you romantically. Just shagging I'd not be interested but a relationship with a decent guy after I'd had time to heal from my own break up would be OK.

I’m in the same age bracket (30s), 80% of my friends are male, and not once has any of them suggested we have sex.

I’m not bad looking (I think!) and I’ve been single for most of my adult life, but they have all respected my/our boundaries.

Get better friends!

You have crap friends or a bad friend radar.
maoe friends have never transgressed those boundaries and tried it on

I must be really ugly or choose my friends better as not one has hit on me since being single and I've been single a long time so they've had plenty of opportunities. I can't imagine sleeping with any of them, they're like family to me.

I know it does happen because a friend who is recently single got hit on by her exh's friends.

Well sex is fun and a huge percentage of men are on the constant lookout for it, I suppose at least these friends were decent enough to wait until your single. Although, probably women as well, but from experience there are a lot of men out there who are awful and selfish in bed, and any that were any good would already have some permanent FWBs in their lives, because men and women who are not maybe up for commitment still want good sex, these ones always looking are probably going from unfulfilled partner to unfulfilled partner!

Nealy all of my friends are female, and most are single.

There has not been one single occasion where I've seen them as more than friends and not once have I wanted anything romantically with them.

Sorry OP, you've just chosen the wrong friends, Please don't stereotype male and female relationships because they absolutely can be platonic.

I hear you, I was ill in my 20s and gained a bit of weight as a result of the medications I was on and while female friends were lovely and supportive male friends who I thought were good friendswere quick to distance themselves from me. After I had surgery, recovered and lost weight they suddenly wanted to hang out again, it was so obvious and I felt like a bloody idiot.

In the past couple of years I’ve had two long term male friends come on to me even though I am married after their relationships broke up. They both came with the attitude that there had always been this unspoken attraction between us and now was my big chance to finally fulfill my dream of being with them. Eh no sorry, neither even had the decency to be humbled when I rejected them and they instead got angry at me! I can assure you I never gave any indication of attraction to these men and never felt any but they had obviously created a steamy little scenario in their own heads and projected that on to me.

I find it hard to take male “friends” seriously these days because deep down if they are straight they will most likely harbour some kind of fantasy about you and will probably act on it given half a chance.

I was once told by a man that if a bloke thinks there is just the slightest possibility of getting some sex a man will be friendly towards a woman .

I can't see what Is do bloody amazing about sex that it makes men behave like this .

No, some of them are gay

😋

Any woman who claims men and women can just be friends needs to read your OP as this spells it out beautifully. Many thanks for proving what we already know. Men just want to fuck.

These guys are very open about the fact they dont want a relationship with me but are open to "respectful sex that has mutually agreed boundaries"

But that's the same as so many MNetters.

Plenty of people don't want a relationship, they just want no strings sex.

It's entirely up to you if that's not what you want (it's not for me either), but I don't see how it makes these men and women assholes?

Men are programmed to spread their seed. Some more than others. Taking the emotion out of it, is what it is.

Weirdly, this is the 3rd thread I've read on this subject today, although this one is fare more sensible.

The other two got deleted as the OP appeared to be throwing a weird hissy fit 😳

Wouldnt you be repulsed if a male friend you'd had for years and counted as a "proper friend" as OP puts it, offered to bang you senseless the moment you find yourself single. It would change the dynamic of the friendship somewhat.

These men probably dont offer to throw one up the back door of their male friends who get jilted by their wives, funnily enough.

“These men probably dont offer to throw one up the back door of their male friends who get jilted by their wives, funnily enough.”

😂

I think most/all men are opportunistic arseholes

When DH’s step-brother split with his wife, almost all of SB’s mates tried it on with her.

She showed me the messages.

Even SB’s married best friend since primary school, text her saying that if she ever needed some company of an evening, he could call over when he was supposed to be out at one of his hobbies, and that way his wife wouldn’t know or ask any questions.

I really really want to say no there are good men that just want to be friends but literally all my experience of this doesn't back that up. They all wanted to have sex with me. Even the moment a boyfriend became an ex they wanted to remain friends but really wanted nsa or fwb. Plus all their friends slowly started messaging.

It would seem friendship with women for men is always a consolation prize.

This is not completely my experience, although I have to be honest, I tend to keep male friends at arm's length, no husbands would have my number for any reason without their wives being in the loop/on the same chat, and no single guys would be unaware of the status of our friendship, plus I don't drink and that helps keep everything very above board (for myself, I can get a bit over-excited when drunk which might then get misinterpreted, much easier since I stopped drinking). I've had the odd inappropriate remark/one horrible pass over the decades, but in the main, I just keep my interactions very straightforward and it seems to work. I have had a couple of 'chatty' husbands who seemed to be looking for an affair but their enthusiastic conversations and fishing went down like a lead balloon with me, one did have an affair with someone else, and one is just a flirt but I wouldn't be on my own with him.

It's a bit sad, OP, I agree, you have to manage those interactions. I do have good male friends but only a handful and only tried and trusted ones, I do think otherwise you have to duck and dive a bit to avoid the come-ons and that is a bit tragic.

How would they suggest mutually fun sex then without a relationship, I can't imagine this coming up in conversation?! An unsolicited text I guess. That would annoy me a lot from a good friend. My male friends are either so long-term we know nothing will ever happen, or only one or two newer ones who are very dependable. Making good new male friends over a certain age is very hard because of all this nonsense.