realising male friends are garbage

[sadmillenial]

This is a rant, i know, so bear with me

Im 41 and fairly recently single, and since putting myself on dating apps i have had advances from almost all my single male friends. Even those i have known for years and considered proper mates.

This is not a humble brag to show how awesome i am, lol. These guys are very open about the fact they dont want a relationship with me but are open to "respectful sex that has mutually agreed boundaries" They are also almost exclusively in their 30s.

Do i just have terrible taste in friends, or are all men opportunistic arseholes??

@kkloo You're bringing random things into it that have nothing to do with it. It would be like me saying a woman might be attacked by a bunch of women or a woman...yeah maybe they could be but it's not exactly relevant to the topic in any way is it?

That was literally my point. If I am attacked, my attacker also being man has absolutely no relevance to me as a victim. If I'm harmed, then I'm harmed, regardless of who did it. So why is it remotely relevant to specify that it's mostly men who attack men?

Not in the same way women do.

No guy really goes 'oh I don't know if I can meet thus random girl for sex, what if she's violent?'.
EVERY girl considering a one night stand would worry about that.

You're bringing up obscure what if situations as if they are things that actually put men off hookups.

In answer to the OP's question, since some have hijacked and gone way off topic.

Indeed they do. Funnily these same 'men' are nowhere to be seen when their 'friend' is in an actual relationship.

No, they wait until relationship status changes and then slide into private messages at 2am. Only as friends of course 🤣. Claiming to be working on themselves and apon knowing the recipient of their covert prying messages is vulnerable, a couple of days later proposition them. Absolute vultures. Predators, and I don't give a flying rug what anyone else says!

They don't generally have to worry about violence when it comes to sexual encounters with women and that's a fact.
You came up with some outlandish scenario to make a point which doesn't even add anything to your argument because it literally doesn't even relate to casual sex.

Yeah 'relative dangers'. Get over it.

You're the one trying to make it into a competition, trying to make out that men need to worry about their safety just as much and you know perfectly well that if you ever said that in front of a group of men (not incels) that you would be laughed at and ridiculed and not one of them would agree with you, but you come on here to mumsnet spouting absolute nonsense about how you might go to a womans house and there might be men waiting 😂

@shuggles - actually it is relevant in heterosexual sexual encounters that a woman alone with a man is generally at much more risk of physical harm - should a man choose to inflict it - than a man who is alone with a woman. And even a man going into a sexual encounter with another man likely has a better chance of fighting him off should it become necessary to do so than a woman does.

We women to a certain degree rely on you men not choosing to inflict physical harm on us. The vast majority of men would not dream of using their greater physical strength against women but some do and some women pay for that with their lives. This happens much more often than female violence to men. You say it’s not a competition but actually it’s important and relevant to women. Why are you trying to dilute that with references to the violence men suffer at the hands of other men? No-one is denying it but it is also not particularly relevant to this thread.

It's the scenario that you posted that has no relevance.

Actually, with your attitude, I can't imagine any woman ever inviting you over for sex, so in your case you are probably right to be concerned that it's dodgy.

Because unless you're gay, then the random stranger you'd be having a sexual encounter with would be a woman, so unlikely to harm you. And, if you remember, we're talking about risk in sexual encounters, not going to a rough pub full of City supporters in an Albion shirt, or any other unrelated situation where men might hurt you.

I think we're feeding a hairy handed here.

I am not sure whether it's my ability to judge friendships or the men, but I've also struggled with this in the past. When I was single, married guys who I thought were friends where I was also either friends with the wife or got on well with, made an approach which always horrified me.

However I also think some men's radar about women is off. Sometimes my husband thinks a woman is flirting with him, when she is clearly not.

I am very cautious about male friendships now.

That poster is deliberately being obtuse, moving the goal posts and frankly bullshitting. There's a five letter name for that, begins with T. 'hairy handed' is a way of referring to that. (Mumsnet don't really like an outright reference to it)

Yes to all this

Overall, yes :)

It's rather nice to hear that some people can navigate the pitfalls of male/female and find a number of male friendships that actually work, and that they can trust unreservedly. Suspect it comes down to personality and to their own personal friendship style.

Ive had/have about four male friends that I would trust under all circumstances, no matter what. But they are a very small minority of the males I've worked/knocked around with.

@wenlilifac However I also think some men's radar about women is off. Sometimes my husband thinks a woman is flirting with him, when she is clearly not.

Well I would disagree. Plenty of women have been extremely friendly to me, touched me (sometimes on the leg), but I'm not daft enough to interpret that as any more than friendly conversation. Yet, another poster on mumsnet was absolutely convinced that a dozen married men flirted with her, when clearly it was nothing more than pub conversation.

I think you’ve been a wee bit unlucky.

Tell them they are being pillocks and ditch any you want to

i dont actually think this, ive also got great mates who haven't done this and i realise i was having an angry rant. I do have some excellent male mates. but it has been eye opening how many really aren't "good guys"

oh my goodness, i really didnt expect this thread to move in this way!
I do have experience of sexual assault and also stalking, but that wasnt the intention of my initial post. I feel terrible for having triggered so many of you in this way, it really wasnt my intention :(
sorry

helpful and empathetic, thanks....
You must be a great support to your mates lol

oh my goodness, i really didnt expect this thread to move in this way!
I do have experience of sexual assault and also stalking, but that wasnt the intention of my initial post. I feel terrible for having triggered so many of you in this way, it really wasnt my intention :(
sorry

You did nothing wrong, OP. Male-female relations are always a 'delicate' subject and , as you can see, sets people off, because it's the one of the major aspects in life.

However, I agree as a previous poster has said, that these friends have changed the dynamic between you all, and it has can never go back to what it was. And you weren't expecting it .

These guys are very open about the fact they dont want a relationship with me but are open to "respectful sex that has mutually agreed boundaries"
is deeply unerotic or romantic (Unless it's what you want).

That doesn't mean that all men would interpret it that way.

I've definitely known men who would interpret a woman touching his leg as a sign of interest. And, tbh, I read enough 'flirting techniques' article in teen magazines in my youth to know that touching a man's leg in conversation is a top way of indicating interest!

Maybe some of those women were actually flirting with you 😉

My partner has a mohican. Whenever we go out, he is approached by women who want to touch it and stroke the sides of his head

We can both tell which of them are being flirtatious (most) and which are just curious (a few). And I differentiate between flirting and being flirtatious in the sense that none of these women would actually want to be with him (half his age and he wouldn't be their type) but definitely flirtatious!

I 'used' to have loads of male friends when I was a bit younger, but if we went on a night out, a bit of Dutch courage, and without fail, one would try it on.

It's so frigging insulting...they know I was in a relationship...but assumed my friendship meant I was 'available' to their advances.

I dropped them all...I feel safer with females.