realising male friends are garbage

[sadmillenial]

This is a rant, i know, so bear with me

Im 41 and fairly recently single, and since putting myself on dating apps i have had advances from almost all my single male friends. Even those i have known for years and considered proper mates.

This is not a humble brag to show how awesome i am, lol. These guys are very open about the fact they dont want a relationship with me but are open to "respectful sex that has mutually agreed boundaries" They are also almost exclusively in their 30s.

Do i just have terrible taste in friends, or are all men opportunistic arseholes??

@SillyMooMoos I still care for my ex, but this is why I won't invest time or hope in male friends.

I was last single when I was 24 and I found that on Sunday nights in particular was when I'd get the random 'hey!' Texts from men I worked with / was vaguely friends with. Some single, some married, some with girlfriends. It was just so blatantly transparent, especially in the month or so after I changed my fb status. Yawn.

They project their utter obsession with "penis in orifice" onto women.

Somehow miss that most of us are not remotely the same as them.

I have a large group of friends from uni, most of whom are men. Known them over 30 years. They are nice enough in their way - but endlessly disappointing as human beings. Little to no compassion or care for others, all about their own needs, dismissive of women. All dressed up as banter, just blokes, etc etc. But really, they make me despair of men. And I have had a lot of approaches like you describe. Sort of, may as well have a go kind of thing.

I might get flamed but I don't think many men actually enjoy women's company....they put on a bit of a show for appearances sake and in the hope of sex.

Men only really enjoy the company of women (family members aside) if they want to sleep with them.

I never understand the men & women can't be friends thing.

Broadly is 50% of the population (UK figures used here) are female & I'm male so they can't be my mate? and actually it's generally slightly more females vs males in UK population figures circa a million more.

So it's 4% black in UK & 3% mixed or ethnic groups. So say half that for males, I'm white & I'd say like most people I know, I can & do have friends with groups that make up 2% & 1.5% of the population but to have friends in the 50% is by some it seems odd & unusual?

I find it such an odd view, I've had & have some ace female friendships, be so bizarre to me to just have male friends.

@sadmillenial OP, or anyone else, can you please explain to me what the issue is?

I would say that men with no morals or ethics, men with no compassion for other people, or those who try to dominate other people are really shitty men.

Yet, all these men have done is express their interest in a sexual relationship. They have been honest and upfront about it. Presumably, you're free to say "No thank you." So what's the issue? Why are these men horrible people?

Would you prefer that these men pretended to be interested in a serious relationship, had a child with you, then suddenly decided to fuck off like all of the other men you hear about on mumsnet?

Men can be a bit like that, yes. Not all men obviously. But since becoming single I've had some surprising advances.

Not trying to be overly romantic but a couple of these guys may have genuine crushes on you and use fwb as a way in. If they'd admit straight away what they are up to, they'd probably lose you as a friend. Something like this happened to me and unfortunately I lost a good friend after I found out he pretty much wanted to move in and build a future together.

I think you feel that way now because you've had a few come out of the woodwork all at once, but hopefully you'll get your faith in men back soon :) The good ones are surprisingly decent mates. However it's not unusual to have a bit of chemistry between opposite sex friends.

How do these conversations start, do they just randomly blurt it out? I've found that occassionally when I moan about my joys and sorrows of being single, or ask how their dating life is going, that can lead to the wrong kinds of conversations! They seem to think I'm flirting/ hitting on them and they're in with a shot.

Yep.. recently discovered even the ones I NEVER would have thought would.. have made a move. They were playing the long game. I only invest in female friendships now, keep men as funny acquaintances

@Sooka I'm utterly confused. Why does someone being a long-standing friend preclude that person from being a sexual partner? Have I missed something here?

Friends of the same sex wouldnt do that (in general)

Umm, yeah of course they don't, because most men aren't gay.

Not all men are like this, I have multiple male friends who I have been mates with for 20 years. They have known me single and in relationships. We are purely just friends.
Likewise my husband has multiple female friends who he has known for years way before me and again not one bit of wanting to jump into bed with them. He views them like his sister!

There are obviously some men who do fall into your category quite obviously.

Agree. In my social circle we have plenty of male/female friendships that have lasted since uni nearly two decades ago. Yeah I’ve had some men sniffing around me pretending to be friends in my early 20s but I dropped most of them as time went on.

There is the mistaken assumption among many men that a woman who has recently become single must be missing the sex and will be desperate and gagging for it. So they make it known that they would be happy to provide the service. With no strings attached, of course.

As if.

I think this is it a lot of the women getting hit on are either in early 20s when a lot of men are a bit wild or they’re a bit older but newly single and men assume desperation. I also suspect when you’re long term single it’s more assumed to be a lifestyle choice and men if anything assume you’re not that fussed about them or maybe you already have a secret FWB.

Whereas if you’ve been married and had a recent divorce they seem to think you have been abandoned or cheated on or mistreated in some ways and your self esteem is low in the immediate aftermath and you’re gagging for a new man!

i do think the more decent men can have platonic friendships though. One of my best friends is married with kids and i know he has a number of female friends that he’s known since his 20s. He is a brilliant decent guy, I know his whole family and he’s clearly been raised very well. My own brothers have platonic friendships with various women. Some of them are their type physically but I know they’d never cross the line and see them more as sisters.

Yes actually I'd like to take this opportunity to flame you 😊

I'm a woman of 35 in a male-dominated industry and have a wide range of male friends, mentors, mentees, childhood best friends etc. Aged 20-80, married, single, straight, gay... I don't think my closest male friends, who I may see as often as every weekend for 20 years, are putting on a bit of a show to sleep with me. If they are, that's 1000s of hours and £££s totally wasted! One night with me surely can't be worth that much effort 😃

Any significant life event where I've needed someone to lean on or lend an ear, it's usually the men who have been there unconditionally. Sometimes those are married people in other countries who'd still put time aside to catch up with me every couple of weeks, call/text, and have been genuine rocks if they've been in positions to help me, and vice versa. I've genuinely stayed in their spare rooms for weeks without any concern about sexual advances.

So no, wholeheartedly disagree.

I've also experienced sexual harrassment so of course some men have a hidden agenda, but I think women need to stop thinking that the opposite sex are basically animals. Well, suppose they are like cats, mutual mistrust at first, but can be lovely company once you've got to know one another properly.

@Sooka Cos you can pretty much assume that for however long the relationship has lasted, they've wanted to sleep with you,

Right, and why is this a bad thing?

Love this 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

I had this friend for about 15 years, he knew my husband when i was married. We always had what i thought a purely platonic relationship and would catch up often and had a good laugh etc.
I am 3 years divorced now and single at the moment. This friend started talking weird shit the other week, basically scoping me out for fwb role but in a very roundabout way. Had he asked clearly- no problem. But because he was cagey i respectfully stated my case, i am not interested in fwb with him but still value him as a friend. Lo and behold, he lost his shit, apparently i am a totally crap friend, disappointment etc etc and that he didn’t have me in mind, just spoke in general terms. Yeah right. Why such a painful reaction to rejection then.
I have blocked him and whilst it’s a shame as we know each other for 15 years and had many laughs together, im done with him. I totally lost respect for him for decimating my character like that.
So yeah, my 15 year friendship to a man turned to garbage because he tried it on.

Because most of us don't see our male friends that way? The idea of my friends making a move makes me cringe, almost like a brother doing it.
Men are just generally so horny that they can put awkwardness aside. For many women we are fussier, it has to feel right in terms of chemistry etc

...and they don't appear to understand that we are nowhere near as interested in sex as they think we are.

I'm not sure if you're being deliberately obtuse just to wind people up or not...

Of course it's a bad thing, it means they never really saw you as a friend at all; when the woman thought they were getting along as two people with mutual interests etc., and he was someone she could rely on, he just hung round wanting to get his leg over.

It's dickish behaviour.

@Disturbia81 Because most of us don't see our male friends that way?

Which is fine. So if they suggest a sexual relationship, then you decline. What's the issue?

The idea of my friends making a move makes me cringe, almost like a brother doing it.

They're not brothers. They're friends.