realising male friends are garbage

[sadmillenial]

This is a rant, i know, so bear with me

Im 41 and fairly recently single, and since putting myself on dating apps i have had advances from almost all my single male friends. Even those i have known for years and considered proper mates.

This is not a humble brag to show how awesome i am, lol. These guys are very open about the fact they dont want a relationship with me but are open to "respectful sex that has mutually agreed boundaries" They are also almost exclusively in their 30s.

Do i just have terrible taste in friends, or are all men opportunistic arseholes??

There is the mistaken assumption among many men that a woman who has recently become single must be missing the sex and will be desperate and gagging for it. So they make it known that they would be happy to provide the service. With no strings attached, of course.

As if.

@GreyCarpet - exactly what happened to me!!

My ex moved out one week. The next week his best friend invited me round to dinner at his house (he was my friend too, so I stupidly thought he was cooking dinner to cheer me up). Asked me for sex the week after that.

Another friend suddenly sent a stream of texts one Sunday afternoon that he had always loved me and I should drive round to his house immediately.

I'm an exceptionally ordinary, slightly overweight, very quiet late 40s woman. Not rich, ancient car, did nothing to encourage anyone!

It's not her fault the men who were supposed to be her friends have turned out to be selfish trash. Don't put the blame with OP.

Men are completely sex obsessed. Most men would sleep with any woman at any time if given the chance.

I wasn’t blaming OP, I was merely saying that not all men are ‘opportunistic arseholes’ -

if I , a single 39 year old man, do not have any sexual feelings towards any of my many female friends then I am proof that not all
men are opportunistic arsehoels!

I don't have male friends...very few men want a genuine platonic friendship with a woman.

In addition to my previous post, at university I was single for the first 2.5 years and had loads of male friends (because of the male heavy hobbies I had). Literally had no problem or offers from any of them.

Tbh, I didn't have any issues when I was at university either. It was definitely when I got divorced in my late 30s that it started.

There definitely seems to be something about men who've been married for a while and newly single women though.

Out of curiosity and given this is an anonymous forum, even if you don't have sexual feelings towards any of them, have you ever looked at any of them and thought, "Would I..?"

Having said that, I think the fact you're single makes a difference.

It seems to beba married an phenomenon really. Like they've been married for 20 years and wonder if they still could. Or maybe they just assume it'll be flattering? What theyvdontnrealsienisnthat when theyrebthe 12 married man to hit on you, it's not fun.

I've also said it wasn't the majority or even many but a significant minority enough to be noticeable and annoying!

@JIMMI85 pull the other one. If one of these single ladies asked you for a shag you'd be straight there like a rat up a drainpipe.

If a straight men is offered sex, or given encouragement a woman is up for it, they'll take it. Certainly if the man is single (not all men are going to cheat).

Yep. They become increasingly more disappointing. The straight ones still look for a way to sleep with you (it didn’t bother me as much in my early twenties but now I’m a happily married 37 year old) and I’ve noticed that my gay friends are becoming increasingly misogynistic.
Through my 30’s, I have become almost devoid of any male friends.

My view is that if you are an attractive woman there is a very high chance that your heterosexual male friends fancy you.
Some of them will largely be your friend because they fancy you; because they enjoy being around a woman they're attracted to and/or are hoping for more. Some will be your genuine friend but will still have a 'wouldn't say no' attraction to you.
I am not remotely surprised your friends want sex with you. Though its very disappointing they all felt entitled to suggest it. The arrogance is outstanding.

No. It just proves that you don't fancy those particular women. Probably don't find their appearance attractive. If you were friends with a woman you thought was gorgeous, you may well feel differently.

I think the problem is that men and women think of sex differently. I'm going to generalise massively here for a minute, I'm talking about majorities, not everyone.

Most women prefer sex to be in the safety of a relationship. They want a romantic connection with their partner, they want to know that that partner isn't going to be gone tomorrow. This is logical, women bear the lifelong risks of having to raise a child in a way that men don't. Plus women are putting themselves in a much more vulnerable position by having sex with a man, men are stronger etc.

Men largely don't have this issue. We're not at risk, and as a result sex is more separate from love, from romance than it is for women. I don't need to love someone to have sex with them. I don't need to be in a relationship with them, or fancy them, or even be attracted to them, to enjoy sex with them.

Sex for men is like table tennis. Yeah, I can put one side of the table up and play by myself but it's not the same. For a really fun game of table tennis I need a partner. And I'd rather that partner be someone I get on with. The game itself is good with anyone who's fairly evenly matched, but I'm far more likely to enjoy myself if I can have a laugh with the other person. And if I'm having a game with the person I love, then I'm going to really enjoy my game, because I really enjoy everything I do with them.

I'm not single, haven't been for a very long time. But if I was, I can think of lots of friends I'd enjoy sleeping with. (Both male and female, I'm bisexual)

It sounds like a win/win. We know we have fun together already, why wouldn't that translate into the bedroom? Maybe it'll be a one time thing, maybe we'd have such a good time it'd turn into something more. But none of that means that I'm friends with these people in the hope that I can swoop in and have sex with them if the opportunity arose. I'm friends with them because I enjoy their company, not because I'm eyeing them up as a challenge round the ping pong table.

For the record, I've slept with three friends over the years. The first was male, and we went down the pub the next week and nothing had changed. The second was a woman, and things were rather weird for a good year or two afterwards.

And the third? She's still my DP 20 years later.

Wouldnt you be repulsed if a male friend you'd had for years and counted as a "proper friend" as OP puts it, offered to bang you senseless the moment you find yourself single

😂

It would depend on how attractive the friend was tbf

It's very apparent on US sites that a lot of men find being "Friend zoned" as quite an insult- they only seem to hang around with women friends in the hope it will be their turn next. It's a shame because a lifelong friend is a wonderful thing, it's very shortsighted to be happy to lose that just because there won't be a shag. I've been in the same relationship if someone even suggested it I'd just laugh

When I got divorced I had a lot of sudden interest from males around me (former colleagues, neighbours, friends of friends). Some were very obvious what they were after (so easy to deal with, I said No, they left); but some professed to be just friends and swore that they dont want anything from me apart from my company. We had some good times, went out, clubbing, parties, good clean fun...but, lo and behold, all of them disappeared overnight when I found an "official" partner. No one waned to be "friends" with me anymore - even after I told them my DP is more that fine with me having male friends and would be happy to meet them )))))

Same for me, unfortunately 😔 guys I've known for years, always been platonic with, suddenly making passes at me or treating me differently and "flirting". It's horrible.
It's also how my now exH became my H. I'd ended an 8 year relationship, during which I became engaged, was an absolute mess when it ended, exH was already my friend but we weren't that close... Suddenly he was my go-to for support. Then when I started a fwb set-up with someone I really liked, he came out and said we should be together. More fool me, he was a crap husband and is an even worse ex.
I've spoken to friends who now have no male friends left as they all drifted away once my friends got married or had kids (no interest in the children, some didn't attend weddings either).

Maybe I'm ugly but non of my male friends have tried to have sex with me. Pretty sure they're all decent guys too. Think it's luck if you end up with dick mates or not. Sorry you're experiencing this

I’ve also experienced this 🙄

This^.

Enough with the not all men crap.

In which case it's irrelevant to this discussion.

Do i just have terrible taste in friends, or are all men opportunistic arseholes?

Not sure.

This I do know -

Many women are hopelessly naive in thinking that their male friends think of them in exactly the same way as they think of their male friends - platonically. It's all harmless, modern and progressive. They think of anyone who suggests otherwise as backwards and pearl clutching.

Many men would quite like to capitalise further on their female acquaintances, in a way they wouldn't be able to with their male friends. Yes, they really would like to shag a friend. The opportunity is there, they don't think you're ugly, they don't think you're mental.... so why wouldn't they suggest this?

The problem with that, is that some of them (despite saying otherwise in front of their female progressive friends), actually have quite old fashioned standards for women. Suggesting a friends-with-benefits situation is something they wouldn't dare suggest with someone they thought was truly beautiful and relationship material.....but they think for somehow it's ok for them to suggest that with you, and that you'll agree to it? Hmmm.....🤔🙄