Boyfriend rejects my family

[Workingmim]

My mum has invited my bf and me for lunch. It’s casual and at a cafe. We’ve been together 3 years. He doesn’t want to go. This happens every time we go to see any member of my family or any of my friends. He gets pissed off, kicks up a fuss, and gives me the silent treatment in the lead up. At the event, he’s usually polite but not very engaged and then he will give me the silent treatment. Then we have an argument about it.

He says he hates having to conform expectations put on him by others like playing the role of a boyfriend. He’s 48 and is starting to play a more involved role in my 4 year old’s life who he adores. He is committed to us but this aversion to my family is really making me angry and upset. I’ve tried to understand but I find it very rude that he won’t give my family a chance. They are interesting and kind people who invite him to things to try and include him.

We are going tomorrow and he’s currently sulking in the shed.

Wwyd?

Oh for God’s sake. Is a guy who sulks in the shed, behaves like a stroppy teenager and won’t make any effort to be nice to his in laws really the relationship role model you want to show your kid? He is NOT nice. He lacks respect for you, has horrendous communication and behaviour and is trying to isolate you from your and friends. He doesn’t have to become best friends with your family and friends but he should be happy to meet them because it makes YOU happy (and he needs to stop behaving like an arse of a stroppy child). Please show your kid you deserve more respect and love and get rid of this wanker.

I had a son in law like this , he always spoilt any family get together in some way , would want to leave immediately after a meal , would sulk . It turned out he’d been abusing my daughter for many years , it was coercive control and didn’t get any better I’m afraid . She is now happily in another relationship .

If all it is is an hour every few months, what's the point? He isn't going to form an actual relationship with the mum, it'll just be the same pleasantries and smiling ad nauseum

Can't blame the guy for not wanting to bother

How tragic. Why can’t he have a relationship or even a nice time for an hour or two with another human? Is it her (she’s a “mum”, shes it later middle age, therefore not “good enough” for anything but “smiling ad nauseam” - why bother indeed to talk to such a sub human. She can’t possibly say anything worth listening to)? Is it the OP (embarrassing to pretend to be a boyfriend to someone you are just casually screwing when you don’t have a better offer)? Is it him (too boring to speak to anyone or too up himself)? I’m failing to see which of these scenarios is the one that makes him seem like a catch. The OP has introduced her 4yo child to this man - why wouldn’t she have a reasonable expectation that he should eventually have a relationship of sorts with her other important people? How anyone is convicted that it’s because he’s too magnificent and interesting to lower himself to talk to the little people (as the OPs mum is getting rather unfairly typecast as here) rather than because he’s a dick I don’t know. “Just be the same pleasantries”…maybe find something interesting to say when you take someone out for a drink next time rather than assume they are dull.

Jesus, love he is waving a massive red flag right in your face, what are you doing with a 48 year old man who sulks and gives you the silent treatment over lunch with your family and why oh why are you making him a part of your daughters life, please leave now

@HG198454 "Why does he have to go? What happens if he doesn’t go and is allowed to say he doesn’t want to go as it makes him feel uncomfortable?"

Well, the world won't end, obviously. But one of the things about being in a relationship is putting yourself out a bit for the other person.

The having a bad childhood excuse really grates on me, its no excuse. My mother walked out on me when i was 3 years old, im now 40. Ive met her once, in 2015 and never seen her since, too much water etc. I have 4 kids that are my whole world and i would never do that to them, but if i did, would the excuse "my mother did it to me" be acceptable?? Hes not commited enough into the relationship to go to lunch with your mother OP, and takes the huff like a spoilt brat if he is asked to attend a gathering of your family. Like others have said i would get rid. You and your daughter deserve better.

Get rid of this man child he is not good for you or your son. He acts like he a teenager not a grown man. Run is my advice xx

He sounds like a total dick. What a childish knob he is, I wouldn't fancy a future with him if I was you OP, it will be a future of no family events, parties, weddings etc without him getting the face on. Get rid pronto.

Errrrm. You've been together 3 years, yet "playing your boyfriend" is justification to behave like a 14 year old twat? Get rid of him, OP. How dare he be so disrespectful to you AND your family? You are not asking too much.

Exactly!

I'd lock him in the shed! Ridiculous behaviour and poor role model for your child!

48! And behaving like an adolescent. Send him packing and find someone more respectful to you and your family.

Dump this loser.

"my family or any of my friends"

So it's not like he just has a dislike for one person, it's all your family and all your friends. Therefore I agree he is trying to isolate you so he can abuse you.

I'm guessing there are really good reasons he was single and available at age 45 when your relationship started. Giving women the silent treatment and sulking in sheds are probably top of the list.

He's trying to isolate you from your family.

You have to choose - him or them. This won't improve.

If you try to compromise and keep this doomed relationship puttering along, he will do the silent treatment thing and the sulking when you when he feels you are prioritizing your child over him, or when your child makes demands on you (school, illness, etc) and he wants you to focus your attention on him.

Tell him to pack his things.

This 100%

Get rid of him before your child is old enough to have his own mind.....This is unchecked behaviour that will drive a wedge between you and your unit.

I think the problem here is expectations. He lives a seperate life 30 miles away. 'stays over 2 nights a week'. Although you have been together 3 years nothing is blended...he doesn't want an integrated life and you've been ok with that. But how much are you really ok with that? Don't you want a relationship where your partner wants to share your life fully and be a meaningful part of your childs? Have you simply gone along with this because you have a child from another relationship and think it's the best you can do?

I think the whole visiting your family is a symptom of a bigger issue. Your trying to involve him in your life in a more profound way. He is still mentally in his house 30 miles away and dragging his heels like a teen boy. It sounds to me he doesn't want to share your life; just visit your bed occasionally. He's sticking his bottom lip out because the meal he ordered...he just wants the potatoes; not the veg they came with 🙈🙈🙈

Have an adult conversation with this man. Be honest...you want a life partner; not a f**k buddy. If he can't step up; ditch him and find a man who can 👍

First post, nailed it!

is your partner neurodivergent? There are people in my circle with adhd and autism, who find social situations very anxiety-inducing, especially when they’re being judged. Having to make certain types of conversation, or being around people who are uncomfortable to be around, can feel very overwhelming.

But luckily, neurodivergence has plenty of chance to show itself WITHOUT someone behaving like a complete prick. Even if it was a reason for this kind of behaviour, it's not an excuse.

Hairydairyfair had a very interesting perspective.

He has an avoidant attachment style

Also I would hazard a guess that he is behaving like a child because a traumatic response is being triggered by spending time with your family etc. So when these situations come up it is exactly like he is back there as a child feeling exactly like he did back then. Like if you have PTSD you can be back in a terrifying situation in an instant when triggered. Ongoing events like abuse can also cause PTSD = complex PTSD.
He doesn't feel safe with your family, he is seeing them through the lense that he learnt from his family.
He needs counselling and if he won't do that you'll have to accept him as he is

Sweet Jesus - run and don't look back....your boyfriend is a tosser and will only get worse the longer your with him.

If they are healthy, then family is a foundation for you and your daughter. Don't less some tag along ebb away at what counts.

He may be just blinking rude, grown adults need to consider others not just themselves and surely can go to lunch and be nice. If he is not prepared to do that I wonder if he is hiding something, mothers are good at finding out the truth. You say you rarely stay at his home, is there any possibility he is in another relationship?
This sounds like quite a strange situation for a four year old, to be around a man who cannot or will not control his sulking.

He definitely has some issues. I am guessing he is neurodivergent.
awkwardness around family and the feeling he is being judged are valid concerns (even though we all know your family don’t do that. Even he knows your family aren’t judging him but it doesn’t mean he can help feeling that way, and suddenly flick a switch to feel comfortable around them).
the rudeness and sulking are not acceptable at all, but it’s obvious that he does it because that’s the way his family dealt with things. He doesn’t know any other way of communicating and resolving his feelings.

please try to see things from his point of view and in the context of his childhood trauma. He probably hates the fact that he feels this way when he can clearly see your family are nice people.

hopefully one day he will be able to have some counselling and get over these issues.

in the meantime please do not take it personally. It’s not a reflection of your family, nor his true feelings. It’s a reflection of his childhood trauma which he hasn’t had the courage to face yet.

you have 2 options:

1. decide what you will accept. If you can accept that he’s not comfortable meeting your family (and accept it’s no reflection of your family) then carry on with the relationship. Acknowledge it and try to encourage him to use gentle conversation rather than sulking. Ask him once if he’d like to go. If he says no, accept it but ask him to communicate that with maturity. But don’t keep pushing him. Have the patience to hope one day in the future things might be different.
2. if it’s a deal breaker then it means you can’t accept it and you need to move on, and end the relationship. You can’t stay in this limbo of being unable to accept his position because it looks like he currently can’t get over whatever issues he has.

perhaps one day in his own time he will learn to trust his feelings and he will be able to meet your family. In the meantime please have some compassion for whatever trauma bonds he can’t face. We cannot expect everybody to be able to do the things most people do. What some find easy, he obviously finds heartbreakingly hard.