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Original poster

Boyfriend rejects my family

179 replies

Workingmim · 22/08/2024 19:01

My mum has invited my bf and me for lunch. It’s casual and at a cafe. We’ve been together 3 years. He doesn’t want to go. This happens every time we go to see any member of my family or any of my friends. He gets pissed off, kicks up a fuss, and gives me the silent treatment in the lead up. At the event, he’s usually polite but not very engaged and then he will give me the silent treatment. Then we have an argument about it.

He says he hates having to conform expectations put on him by others like playing the role of a boyfriend. He’s 48 and is starting to play a more involved role in my 4 year old’s life who he adores. He is committed to us but this aversion to my family is really making me angry and upset. I’ve tried to understand but I find it very rude that he won’t give my family a chance. They are interesting and kind people who invite him to things to try and include him.

We are going tomorrow and he’s currently sulking in the shed.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 22/08/2024 20:46

He's not going to change at 48. This is who he is. If you want to live with a sulky man-child then stay. If this is not how you see your life, get rid. But don't think you can change him, not at that age.

Frith2013 · 22/08/2024 20:47

Leave him.

INeedAnotherName · 22/08/2024 20:51

He gets pissed off, kicks up a fuss, and gives me the silent treatment in the lead up. At the event, he’s usually polite but not very engaged and then he will give me the silent treatment. Then we have an argument about it.

Why the fuck do you have an abusive, controlling man around your 4 year old?

I will say it slowly - Why. Do. You. Allow. An. Abusive. Man. Near. Your. Child? And don't answer with "but I luuurve him". Grow the fuck up, protect your child, and get rid.

OtterMouse · 22/08/2024 20:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

loropianalover · 22/08/2024 20:59

He says he hates having to conform expectations put on him by others like playing the role of a boyfriend. He’s 48

I stopped reading here. I’d end this relationship.

Chairsroam · 22/08/2024 21:06

Workingmim · 22/08/2024 20:31

We live separately and about 30 miles away from each other. I have my daughter full-time so I don't often go to his house. He stays with me for a couple of nights each week. Our finances are not blended. My daughter calls him by his name and knows he's my bf. He's not positioned as a stepdad. At the beginning I told him I was happy with my one child and wouldn't want more. That suited him because he didn't want kids and neither of us are interested in living together or getting married. It's def more independent vibe which my family get but they and especially my mum invite him somewhere occasionally and this happens every time. It's like one invitation every 2 or 3 months and the rest of the time I see my family on my own with my daughter. I think it wouldn't be so much effort for him to come along without making such a fuss about it every time

Show quote history

I think this is a bit of a different vibe from a live-in partner...

If you're only seeing each other 2 nights a week and it works well, then I can understand you being upset, but equally I don't think he's being that unreasonable.

2 nights a week and permanently living apart (by mutual agreement) probably means you're both independent minded if that was the original deal.

I'm sure your family is great, but also maybe he just doesn't want to have to manage or take responsibility for new relationships...

If he's child free and working full time then I imagine he doesn't want to change his basic independent routine or free time.

Say your family want to get him presents for Xmas, or want him to come as Plus one for big social events (and in any family these will crop up) .

Or a niece or nephew takes a shine to him and wants to hang out with him.

Or there's an emergency or someone needs a lift from the airport and then as your boyfriend there's an unspoken social expectation. And he can't say no without sounding like a dick or sounding like he's rejecting people. Then the mutual 2 nights becomes much more.

If you're only seeing each other 2 nights, he's not stopping you from seeing your family and friends solo.

I'd either accept it or find someone else tbh. I don't think he's a bad guy but I don't think he's likely to change.

KreedKafer · 22/08/2024 21:10

He says he hates having to conform expectations put on him by others like playing the role of a boyfriend.

He’s a childish prick, then.

bluegreygreen · 22/08/2024 21:11

@Chairsroam
I'd either accept it or find someone else tbh. I don't think he's a bad guy but I don't think he's likely to change.

He gets pissed off, kicks up a fuss, and gives me the silent treatment in the lead up. At the event, he’s usually polite but not very engaged and then he will give me the silent treatment. Then we have an argument about it

This wouldn't exactly come under my heading of a 'good' guy ...

SantoriniSunrise · 22/08/2024 21:13

He sounds narcissistic, they love giving the silent treatment.

WalkingaroundJardine · 22/08/2024 21:24

The fact that he’s no contact with his family suggests that he prefers isolated relationships with just the two of you and this won’t change, even if later on you move in together.

I think you are both fundamentally incompatible. It’s immature of him to be giving you the sulks/silent treatment and you don’t want to end up in a situation where you are expected to choose between your family and him.

Even my 21 year old DD’s boyfriend acts way better than that when we have meals together and he has been very supportive to DD coming here, sharing the driving and sometimes paying for the meal. You deserve so much better OP.

Garlicnaan · 22/08/2024 21:32

Does he have to come along? Could you just see your family without him? You don't live together or have a super involved relationship so I'd just not push any meetings.

If that is a deal breaker for you then he's not the right guy.

You either need to be ok with him having no relationship with your family or he needs to be ok having one. What's not ok is him sulking and getting angry and resentful about seeing them.

Margergreen · 22/08/2024 21:39

The next step will be sulking when you want to see them……he sounds awful

Evasmissingletter · 22/08/2024 21:49

INeedAnotherName · 22/08/2024 20:51

He gets pissed off, kicks up a fuss, and gives me the silent treatment in the lead up. At the event, he’s usually polite but not very engaged and then he will give me the silent treatment. Then we have an argument about it.

Why the fuck do you have an abusive, controlling man around your 4 year old?

I will say it slowly - Why. Do. You. Allow. An. Abusive. Man. Near. Your. Child? And don't answer with "but I luuurve him". Grow the fuck up, protect your child, and get rid.

This

S0CKPUPPET · 22/08/2024 21:51

GrazingSheep · 22/08/2024 19:02

God your poor child. What on earth are you doing with this fucking arsehole ??

First post nails it.

SaintHonoria · 22/08/2024 21:52

I would imagine he doesn't want to k ow your family or friends as he may have someone else on the side and he can play down the relationship he has with you.

As for the silent treatment that is just pathetic. He'd last two seconds with me if he tried that on!

MounjaroUser · 22/08/2024 21:54

Look, he's not going to suddenly change and become a normal, functioning human being who you can take with you wherever you go and know he'll be polite and friendly and interested in other people.

His background might well mean he doesn't know how to behave socially. It might mean people who are at ease socially scare him and make him feel inferior.

But he's 48, ffs. Do you really think he's going to change?

Your poor parents, too. I know all I want for my adult children is for them to have a happy relationship with a decent, kind, cheerful person. My heart would sink at the thought of my daughter with a man like this.

You know if you dumped him (as I think you should - before tomorrow) then your mum will feel like it's Christmas Day and her birthday all at once.

Gifgaf · 22/08/2024 22:03

Usually I am not the type to say ditch but in this case he's 48 and lucky just a boyfriend, get rid of him! He doesn't have a valid reason to act like that and should things get even more serious it will be very difficult. He's being selfish!

Opentooffers · 22/08/2024 22:10

I think he's seeing your relationship as a handy add on to his life, which maybe you do too to a degree, as neither of you want to progress it any further. He doesn't want to play the part of boyfriend because maybe that is pretence to him, and he doesn't see himself as a boyfriend, more that you are casually dating. You've both been coasting for years, and maybe he doesn't see the situation as a long term committment. Meeting family and friends is what you do when you progress things to being less casual, but it looks like this is his limit and he wants to keep the distance.
I think in that situation, it's unwise to involve him in your DD's life so much. You should be getting babysitters and going to him, or just having him around while she is asleep. If you are not important enough to him that he'd meet your family, he shouldn't be important enough to see your DD. Bear in mind, he has one foot out the door so if he goes, your DD will feel a loss too if she has got to know him.

Blackberriesandcobwebs · 22/08/2024 22:24

The sulking , posturing and silent treatment are very immature and controlling. Why have you not got the ick? Why would you expose yourself and yourDD to his behaviour?

Ilovelurchers · 22/08/2024 22:34

I can't stand sulkers, and I would be asking him to knock that on the head if I were you.

But I think his position on your family is fair enough to be honest.

My fella is very shy and doesn't like going out of his way to socialise with people unless it's the small handful of close friends and family he really chooses to be with.

I don't force my family on him. We go at major events like Christmas, and I do ask he is polite and cheerful about that. And then he will go over on rare occasions if they need help with something like a DIY task.

That really is enough for me.

He doesn't expect any more than this from me regarding his own family either.

It's absolutely fine. It's not in any way evidence the guy is trying to isolate you, unless he also objects to you seeing them alone.

Does he?

VotesForWomen · 22/08/2024 23:31

The silent treatment in his 40s? It's a fuck off back to your man den then you pathetic manipulative arsehole of a man, and stay there forever, from me.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 22/08/2024 23:53

IggyAce · 22/08/2024 19:06

Red flag, he’s trying to isolate you, the silent treatment is abusive. I’d throw this one back.

A very serious warning here. He is trying to isolate you from the adults who love you. Your 4-year-old is no threat to his dominance at present, though this will change as DS grows up.
Coupled with his immature sulking and abusive silent treatment, he is definitely not a good person to have in your or DS’s life.

Bananalanacake · 23/08/2024 00:01

Thank god you don't live together, keep it that way. I would completely give up getting him to see your family. You see them without him, no need to even tell him when you see them, none of his business.

Onthemaintrunkline · 23/08/2024 00:06

As you don’t live together and you don’t say you want to end things with him, I wouldn’t bother inviting him to come to my family’s social things. I couldn’t and wouldn’t be bothered putting up with his teenage like behaviour, the atmosphere it must engender, and then have to put on a happy face with him in reluctant tow to your family. That must be awful!! He’s sulky and isolating at best, coercive at worst.

offyoujollywelltrot · 23/08/2024 00:06

Workingmim · 22/08/2024 19:01

My mum has invited my bf and me for lunch. It’s casual and at a cafe. We’ve been together 3 years. He doesn’t want to go. This happens every time we go to see any member of my family or any of my friends. He gets pissed off, kicks up a fuss, and gives me the silent treatment in the lead up. At the event, he’s usually polite but not very engaged and then he will give me the silent treatment. Then we have an argument about it.

He says he hates having to conform expectations put on him by others like playing the role of a boyfriend. He’s 48 and is starting to play a more involved role in my 4 year old’s life who he adores. He is committed to us but this aversion to my family is really making me angry and upset. I’ve tried to understand but I find it very rude that he won’t give my family a chance. They are interesting and kind people who invite him to things to try and include him.

We are going tomorrow and he’s currently sulking in the shed.

Wwyd?

I'd get rid of him. He's clearly a massive manchild if he's giving you the silent treatment and sulking like a bratty child. He needs to grow the fuck up.