Boyfriend rejects my family

[Workingmim]

My mum has invited my bf and me for lunch. It’s casual and at a cafe. We’ve been together 3 years. He doesn’t want to go. This happens every time we go to see any member of my family or any of my friends. He gets pissed off, kicks up a fuss, and gives me the silent treatment in the lead up. At the event, he’s usually polite but not very engaged and then he will give me the silent treatment. Then we have an argument about it.

He says he hates having to conform expectations put on him by others like playing the role of a boyfriend. He’s 48 and is starting to play a more involved role in my 4 year old’s life who he adores. He is committed to us but this aversion to my family is really making me angry and upset. I’ve tried to understand but I find it very rude that he won’t give my family a chance. They are interesting and kind people who invite him to things to try and include him.

We are going tomorrow and he’s currently sulking in the shed.

Wwyd?

I don’t always love socialising, parties etc. However it’s part of being a supportive and loving partner, so when I need to go out and socialise with my husbands family or anyone for that matter when I’d rather stay home, read and eat hobnobs I put on my party dress, a big smile and go. Not conforming isn’t being an edgy rebel especially in your 40s it’s being an unsupportive petulant child.

When I read this I thought he was a teenager. Then I saw his age.

Seriously though, looks like social anxiety. In a 'normal' relationship when partners will occasionally meet your tribe, it's now disrupting things. It's not like you're asking him to be a keynote speaker or do improv. There is therapy. There are counsellors. It is fixable. This starts with him acknowledging the problem.

If that doesn't get very far, I'd say dump his arse.

lunch in a Cafe with boring small talk with someone you're not interested in isn't exactly fun.

Nobody is making him be boring. That’s on him. If you can’t meet another adult in a cafe for an hour every few months without either being a bore or being a sulking little manipulative whingebag then you might have to accept that relationships aren’t for you.

I can’t be fucked with adults who sulk, give the silent treatment or try to manipulate me. I certainly couldn’t have an intimate relationship with someone like that, purely on ick factor, but that’s up to the OP. The kid is a different matter though. If he can sulk and manipulate you out of a relationship with your own mum what is he going to do with your dd when she isn’t a cute 4yo any more?

Yeah an abusive ex did this to me, there was always some drama about me seeing friends and family. It’s an abusers tactic. Leave, I’m being deadly serious, you may just spend the rest of your life being driven slowly away from your family but it may also escalate into worse abuse.

Just please leave.

This.

He sees you as a casual hookup and not your boyfriend.

He doesn't want any kind of real commitment and he doesn't want to be involved with your family.

In terms of not wanting to play the role of your boyfriend, that means he doesn't want to be found out as he wants to strong you along. Seeing your family is a risk to you.

What does he do the rest of the week when he's not with you?

I suspect he's not into you as much as you think. You are just convenient to him.

He will never make any commitment to you and at some point will drop you suddenly when a better offer comes along.

In the meantime your daughter is exposed to this and is going to struggle when the inevitable does happen.

I'd put money on you not being the only woman in his life.

Not good op. He'll end up causing a divide between you and your mum. I'd throw this one back.

Absolutely this. He would be happy as Larry if you decided not to go to keep the peace... then this would be expected every time. Throw him back!

Me too. Pathetic.

This
Op if you want a happy life , get rid
He is lovely to your daughter so that you remain with him

Does he avoid doing work things that are boring or where he has to make small talk?
Such childish behaviour.

Been there! I think this needs sorting out because otherwise in the long run, you are looking at a relationship with someone who isn’t very functional and which will isolate you and make you lonely, and won’t compromise, it’s not a small thing that he doesn’t want to see your families or mates, it comes across that he’s got some significant issues there that need to be resolved. The fact that he isn’t acknowledging that and he’s simply blaming other people is very worrying. Honestly, I think you would be best off out if it but I know that’s easier said than done. As he has had a difficult childhood, do you feel there is a part of you that wants to rescue him? That will never go well but it’s a very powerful force.
four-year-olds are generally mini fans of adults they like and people who are a bit fucked up, maybe a bit self-centred and looking for love and adoration really, really like them. Obviously as they grow up, they individuate and their beloved adults fall from their pedestals, which is how it should be, but immature or self-centred people can really struggle. It’s a hard time anyway. That’s when I left mine because he basically stopped getting his supply from my child once he hit adolescence and all that brittleness and victim/persecutor bollocks was aimed squarely at my teen with awful results.
He’s not a bad man, we’ve remained friends and from a distance He can have a good / limited relationship with my kid now, but I really wish I’d not wasted a decade fighting over all that stuff and looked for someone who wasn’t so fucked up.
by the way, I had an extremely dysfunctional upbringing, but I responded to it by doing a lot of work on myself, I really think that’s what you have to do, sounds like that’s what he needs to do and you should be very wary

The OP posted on 22/08. I doubt she is returning to this thread.

I second others, poor 4 year old having this charmless, controlling, sulking man-child foisted on her.

I remain constantly stunned at what women will put up with just to have a man in her bed.

I was thinking more 16!

Run for the hills.

Either stop the get togethers or stop seeing him. Preferably both.

What are getting out of this relationship if he is this immature and self centred?

He’s telling you outright he doesn’t see himself as your boyfriend, he sees himself as a guy that shags you. Bin the man baby and focus on your toddler

This is not about his relationship with your family, its about his relationship with you. He is being honest and upfront but he has clearly set his boundaries in place about the extent of his commitment to you and I have to say its an unhealthy one for your child and family as it alienates you.

He wants a relationship with you, he doesn't want to be part of your "Family" and they are his boundaries. He sounds very much like my autistic brother (very high functioning lawyer - just doesn't do unnecessary contact - which includes socialising and small talk, he can only focus on one person at once).

At his age he is not going to change, so you must decide if this is how you want to live your life. Its not his or your families problem, its yours as you need to decide if this is how you want to live your life and the message it gives your child,

48 ?!!!

good grief ! you can do sooooo much better - why bother !

Your poor daughter.
Why would you bring an abusive angry man into her life?
Your standards are so low.
Poor child.

I normally have zero time for the 'leave the bastard' brigade, but his would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

Leave the bastard!!!!

If all it is is an hour every few months, what's the point? He isn't going to form an actual relationship with the mum, it'll just be the same pleasantries and smiling ad nauseum.

Can't blame the guy for not wanting to bother.

From experience... Have you considered that he may be seeing other people?

Could explain why he is fine with you and DC alone, but why he doesn't want to "act like a boyfriend" out in public around strangers? He's making it about your family, but it's actually a fear of getting caught. Especially if he's funny about photos or social media.

Not saying that's for sure happening, but it was in my case.

Feeling uncomfortable around people you don’t know is ok.
What’s not ok is:
kicking up a fuss
silent treatment
sulking in the shed
not even compromising to any extent.
It’s actually abusive. Silent treatment is a big red flag.

Dump. He’s substandard.

Why does he have to go? What happens if he doesn’t go and is allowed to say he doesn’t want to go as it makes him feel uncomfortable?

Babysitter? For his own child?