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Original poster

Boyfriend rejects my family

179 replies

Workingmim · 22/08/2024 19:01

My mum has invited my bf and me for lunch. It’s casual and at a cafe. We’ve been together 3 years. He doesn’t want to go. This happens every time we go to see any member of my family or any of my friends. He gets pissed off, kicks up a fuss, and gives me the silent treatment in the lead up. At the event, he’s usually polite but not very engaged and then he will give me the silent treatment. Then we have an argument about it.

He says he hates having to conform expectations put on him by others like playing the role of a boyfriend. He’s 48 and is starting to play a more involved role in my 4 year old’s life who he adores. He is committed to us but this aversion to my family is really making me angry and upset. I’ve tried to understand but I find it very rude that he won’t give my family a chance. They are interesting and kind people who invite him to things to try and include him.

We are going tomorrow and he’s currently sulking in the shed.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
MumsTheWordYouKnow · 28/08/2024 07:07

Not many replies from the OP. Sounds like he doesn’t actually consider himself to be your boyfriend.

Desmodici · 28/08/2024 07:09

I've been here, twice. The second time around I recognised it for what is - narcissistic/controlling/manipulative/emotional abuse. Agree with others that he behaves like this in the hope that he makes it so difficult for you that you just won't go. He is trying to isolate you.
I find it hard to believe that there are no other red flags.
Did he love-bomb you at the start of the relationship?
Does he belittle you?
Do your arguments go around in circles?
Does he change the narrative to paint himself as never doing any wrong?
If you bring up any minor problems you have with his behaviour, does he turn it around to make it your fault?
Even if he doesn't do any of the above, I'd be very concerned that these things will emerge if your relationship develops beyond a couple of nights a week. You'll find every aspect of your life controlled, from who you spend time with, to what you wear and what you can say.
What he's doing IS manipulative. If it was the case that he simply doesn't want to go, all he has to do is say so, rather than create extremely bad feeling.

lollydu · 28/08/2024 07:14

Massive red flag tbh

saraclara · 28/08/2024 07:20

He doesn't like 'playing the role' of your boyfriend? What I get from that is that he doesn't see himself as your boyfriend. That he would have to bring acting skills to the 'chore'.

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 28/08/2024 07:24

Run. Seriously.

Not only because he doesn't want to meet your family but because of the silent treatment and arguments.

He may be good otherwise but you need someone who is mature in how they handle a conflict situation because that's one of the essential skills in a successful relationship where you can both grow.

You'll end up walking on eggshells before too long. That's going to change you, and it's also bad for your daughter.

As someone said, you can have a wonderful meal but if you know there's a fleck of shit in it, you wouldn't want to eat it. This trait seems small now, but it's if this is how he handles conflict it's going to be a theme in the relationship and it's deeply unhealthy.

MoodyMargaret11 · 28/08/2024 07:24

Well you have 2 choices really - stop taking him to see your friends and family or LTB.

IDontLikeMondays88 · 28/08/2024 07:26

Dump him.
he is 48 and behaving like a teenager

mickeymoist · 28/08/2024 07:30

From his Point of view: You are a FWB. or Self Financing Mistress. . . Nothing serious. . . . Nothing to see here. . . . . Never mind! Just get your knickers off.
Sorry if I am a bit harsh.

Whitesparkled123 · 28/08/2024 07:32

StrawberryWater · 22/08/2024 19:24

You do realise he's trying to isolate you op? Next he'll be on about your friends. Then when he has you all alone he'll start raising his fists. Seen it a million times. Story as old as time.

Run from this man and fast.

Yep I came to say the same. You think it wouldn't happen to you as he's so nice atm and gets on with your kid.
Unfortunately it all follows the same pattern. Please leave

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 28/08/2024 07:33

he sounds like a twat

Lemonadeand · 28/08/2024 07:37

Urgh, the man who doesn’t want to “conform” to very basic social expectations and politeness. I dated some like this in my 20s. Usually think they’re better and more intelligent than other people but they’re not, they’re just self involved.

abs12 · 28/08/2024 07:45

He is manipulating you. He is 48 ffs and behaving like he is 16. Real men do not behave like this.

He is isolating you and your daughter and he will eventually ensure you have no-one else. He has issues and red flags all over the place. You, your daughter, and your family deserve better.

Either isolate him to no more than an f buddy keeping him away from your daughter or get rid of him. He is an arsehole.

Welshmonster · 28/08/2024 07:47

My DH together over 20 years married for only 7 because he didn’t want a wedding. Happy to be married. Has no friends apart from online gaming ones and only child. Never comes out. Is it annoying - yes. But he hates small talk etc and being with people. won’t come out for meals with friends who could become mutual friends.
he will do weddings and funerals to support me.

bonus is I always had babysitter as never had to check his plans as he was always in for our DS.

why make him do something your BF a has told you he hates doing? Is it a dealbreaker for you given you are both independent in this relationship? Do you want someone to be more involved? If no then tell your family and friends that’s how it is. It then becomes their problem to react to it and you can’t control their reaction. Let them
know you are happy with it.

if you are unhappy then time to
move on and find someone with similar values to you.

veggie50 · 28/08/2024 07:47

The fact that you two live 30 miles apart and see each other only a couple of times a week makes me think that you are happy to live independently from each other. In this case, it is quite extraordinary for you to expect him to integrate into your family. After all, you don't expect your friends, even very good friends, to be joining your family gatherings on a regular basis. Sulking is childish but the sentiment is real enough. He is not a partner in the full sense and you seemed to have agreed to this but somehow still want him to turn up for the show. I know it is difficult as you have a child together and he is a good dad to your son but if you want a full time participating partner, this man isn't that nor should you expect him to turn into one.

ManhattanPopcorn · 28/08/2024 07:53

I could not have a relationship with someone who thinks that giving the silent treatment is a legitimate way of dealing with a dispute. It's no way for a grown adult to behave. That's an absolute deal breaker.

MamaBear505 · 28/08/2024 07:55

So basically he’s a f**k buddy who has no desire to be your “boyfriend” and you asking him to meet your family would make him that. It’s not what he wants, he is using you. Unless you want the same then ditch his sorry ass. Why your poor child had to meet this man I can’t understand. He’s not going to be a father figure so why let them meet? He’s definitely not a boyfriend/boyfriend material.

have you considered he might have a whole other life 30 miles away? Are you certain he’s not married and “works away from home” when he’s with you? He could be afraid of being found out which is why he doesn’t want to meet the family?

TheGreenKnight · 28/08/2024 07:59

MasterBeth · 22/08/2024 19:13

48?! I thought you were going to say he's 18 or something!

Absolutely. I was just about to write this.

Emmz1510 · 28/08/2024 08:06

This is controlling behaviour

JeremiahBullfrog · 28/08/2024 08:11

How is he with people other than your family and friends? He could have severe social anxiety (and be bad at dealing with it).

SummerFade · 28/08/2024 08:18

You really can do much better OP.

Men who sulk are horribly controlling, that is why they sulk. He’s obviously happy to use you for sex and companionship on his terms but is that what you really want? Where’s the compromise and support that is normal in a loving partnership?

Carry on like this and you will slowly change your behaviours to appease him and eventually you will end up living a half life for fear of setting him off.

Also, are you certain he doesn’t have another family because there are definitely red flags flying in that direction too.

6pence · 28/08/2024 08:19

If he is just a fuck buddy, then he shouldn’t be mixing with your child as your child will get attached and hurt when he moves on.

If he sees it as a relationship but is only interested in being with you and your child then
a, what happens as your child gets older, goes to bed later and is generally more in the way?
b. Is he seeing you as a way to groom your child?
c. Do you really want to spend your life keeping your family and him separate?
d. What else does he sulk about, or will he sulk about in the future, especially as your child gets older and exerts their personality more/causes disagreement in parenting styles.

Whichever way you look at it there are red flags waving here.

speakball · 28/08/2024 08:21

I’m guessing somewhere in your childhood there was an adult like your partner. An adult who all but rejected you. An adult who made you feel like you were being selfish when you had needs. It’s a horrible dynamic to be in. He’s not functioning as an adult at all.

MandyFriend · 28/08/2024 08:26

I'm not the first to mention it, but this is a huge red flag and would be a deal breaker for me. He's isolating you from your family and friends, so be very careful!

FearMe · 28/08/2024 08:28

Is he autistic PDA profile perhaps?
Otherwise he's just strange and selfish.

Pigeonqueen · 28/08/2024 08:42

Keroppi · 22/08/2024 19:22

Wow my jaw dropped at his age! Nuts you would put up with this

This. I am embarrassed for you. Throw this one back.