Boyfriend rejects my family

[Workingmim]

My mum has invited my bf and me for lunch. It’s casual and at a cafe. We’ve been together 3 years. He doesn’t want to go. This happens every time we go to see any member of my family or any of my friends. He gets pissed off, kicks up a fuss, and gives me the silent treatment in the lead up. At the event, he’s usually polite but not very engaged and then he will give me the silent treatment. Then we have an argument about it.

He says he hates having to conform expectations put on him by others like playing the role of a boyfriend. He’s 48 and is starting to play a more involved role in my 4 year old’s life who he adores. He is committed to us but this aversion to my family is really making me angry and upset. I’ve tried to understand but I find it very rude that he won’t give my family a chance. They are interesting and kind people who invite him to things to try and include him.

We are going tomorrow and he’s currently sulking in the shed.

Wwyd?

Maybe the op is a woman for whom any man is better than no man at all 🤷‍♀️
Unfortunately her child will be the damaged person.

He sounds like my grumpy ND teenager and not a good role model for a child. Definitely not a loving, supportive partner.

First reply nails it again

This. It's really really not a good sign.

The fact you have posted here tells me deep down you know this isn’t normal.

Really? You would give in to the sulking and mainpulation and teenage behaviour and decide to put up with a man who acts like a petulant child and doesn't want to know your family?

Low bar.

You let a man with so much disregard for your family spend significant time & build a bond with your son? You do realise that family is also your son’s family?

He sounds very entitled and immature. It’s called being an adult who exists within a societal framework. Sometimes we don’t always get to do what we want in life.

Why on earth are you accepting this behaviour?

I don't think he's unreasonable for not wanting to meet with your family or friends. He has the choice to meet who he wants. However, the way he is going about it (the silent treatment, etc) isn't acceptable.

You have to think whether integration with your family is something that is absolutely required in your relationship, and make a decision based on that. You cannot force him to be happy meeting with people that he doesn't want to meet.

Based on what you said, I don't agree with PP that he is trying to isolate you from your family by having an aversion to meeting them himself, unless he is specifically trying to stop you and your daughter from seeing them.

So he's not even met them?

I do think we can get to an age where we feel that we cba with having to see people that we don't really like.

I got like that with my ILs.

Stopped wasting my time as none of us were bothered about each other.

But I did bother initially.

And I didn't sulk or piss off to the shed!

I honestly thought you were going to say he was really young but 48!
He sounds awful op, there is no excuse for that type of behaviour

He sounds like a grumpy teenager. Cannot believe you want to be in a relationship with a man child like him.

He is trying to isolate you.
You need to move away from this man before your son has a chance to get attached.

I was thinking he was 21-24 yo.

48 fuck me, throw this one back

No. I'd say please yourself and go without him

I think he is entitled to not go, especially if he has previously met them and it's not his thing but he is being very unreasonable to sulk about you going; I would actually say that is controlling behaviour!

I find it a bit odd at his age to be worried about playing the role of the boyfriend, as he puts it. What are the expectations he doesn’t want to conform to? He’s just your partner and doesn’t need to do anything in particular other than act as he normally does (which hopefully is generally ok!) Does he have anxiety about your family not thinking he is good enough so he rejects them before they reject him? I think what is tricky here is his reaction. He’s not really explaining what the issue is and silent treatment etc is not a healthy way to respond and can only be damaging. I think the main issue here is communication. You can only invite him to talk and explain but without that you hit a wall and can’t really move forward.

I had a sulky BF like this, we were teenagers and I dumped him.

It doesn't bode well for the future. Don't have kids with him. Who knows how he will feel about the societal responsibilities required if he is a father.

We live separately and about 30 miles away from each other. I have my daughter full-time so I don't often go to his house. He stays with me for a couple of nights each week. Our finances are not blended. My daughter calls him by his name and knows he's my bf. He's not positioned as a stepdad. At the beginning I told him I was happy with my one child and wouldn't want more. That suited him because he didn't want kids and neither of us are interested in living together or getting married. It's def more independent vibe which my family get but they and especially my mum invite him somewhere occasionally and this happens every time. It's like one invitation every 2 or 3 months and the rest of the time I see my family on my own with my daughter. I think it wouldn't be so much effort for him to come along without making such a fuss about it every time

He says he hates making polite conversation and feels like he's being interviewed/assessed. My family are very accepting and they really are nice people so I think the problem is with his perception rather than anything my mum or anyone else is saying/doing. He had a bad childhood and doesn't keep in touch with his own family which I think is significant. I can understand all these things but agree that the difficult part is his reaction. The sulking and silent treatment are not helpful and just make me angry. I'm getting fed up of feeling like I'm dragging him out against his will

He says he hates making polite conversation and feels like he's being interviewed/assessed

Oh boo hoo and diddums

What an absolute tosser he appears to be

48 going on 13.....🙄

No way. This is not a good father figure for your child. get rid