Would your OH attempt to save you in a disaster?

[mossybranches]

We all react differently in an actual crisis, often beyond what we could ever have predicted - I have been there.

But something drifted into my head yesterday that left me a bit confused.
I was thinking about a crisis somewhere in the world, when I briefly imagined my OH's reaction to that, and I could NOT see him prioritising me.
I felt awful for a moment and derided myself, but then the feeling just sort of 'sat there'...kind of like a clear awareness.

I don't mean cowardice or the expectation of a man to help me as a defenceless woman, either! It isn't a gendered thing at all and could easily be applied to anyone whether man, woman or best friend. Just this sudden awareness that he, in particular, wouldn't make a bee line to help me if we were trying to get on a lifeboat, etc.

I have no proof of this, and could of course be wrong, but do realise that the fact that it even occurred to me is odd. I have always seen us as close and very similar, with very similar values, yet as I grow older my mind is changing. He is kind and decent, but realising that I don't think he would stick his neck out for me in a shit situation isn't good is it?

Some weird shit crawls out of the woodwork in mid life..

If it is not gendered why would he have to rescue you?

Why shouldn’t there be an expectation for a man to help a woman? Men are generally more physically able to get out of a crisis situation, in the same way I would expect to help someone less physically able than me.

What makes you think this? Is it just a gut feeling?

FWIW I know without a shadow of a doubt my DH would die trying to rescue me if it came to it and he’d see it as an honour to do so. His primary role in life is to protect his family. I can’t imagine having any attraction to a man who didn’t think like this.

Think it depends on the circumstances. I think dh would stay with me to some extent, ie to try and drag me onto a lifeboat. My mobility isn't great so I'm slower than him. But if we were caught in a big bush fire and I couldn't outrun it but he could maybe he'd leave me......wouldn't make sense for us both to die I guess.

I don't think it's about 'rescuing' - it's about helping. So I like to think I would help my mum, friend, or husband onto a lifeboat, to make sure they got on safely. Like you'd all look out for each other. OP is giving the impression her OH wouldn't even think about her, just himself.

I know what you mean, I'm pretty sure my DH's reaction would be to look after himself and expect me to do the same. And if I didn't that would be my fault.

He also wouldn't do the women and children first thing...

In fact he's useless in a crisis.

We've discussed how he'd be first dead in a zombie apocalypse.

I'm not sure I worry about it but I'm very aware that that is him.

Well, I have thought about it from the angle of my sister and mum, best friend, etc. It isn't about gender, it is a feeling of not being naturally worried about.

A few things recently, perhaps, have momentarily made me stop and wonder, so maybe it is a process of becoming aware of something I don't want to accept.

I don't mean a heroic thing, like the Titanic, I mean a natural reflex to see that I am also safe. This could apply in a mildly dangerous situation that does not involve physical strength.

My dh is useless is some situations but I would imagine he would help me as much as possible.. My exh however saw his dsis getting beaten up one night by her bf and he pulled his hood up and hurried past... If I had know that previously - and lots more of his cowardice behaviour - I would never have married him.

@Edingril

its not about rescuing. It's about looking out for those you love & sticking together.

I have unfortunately been in a situation to find out if my husband is a "every man for himself" or "no one left behind" kind of person in a crisis. Thankfully he's the latter!

For most people it's purely hypothetical and honestly, outside of soldiers and others who have been trained to override their instincts, nobody knows how they'll respond in a real life or death situation. Self preservation is a natural and often overpowering instinct. It's why drowning people often drown their would-be rescuers.

In short, try not to dwell too much on it.

I suppose in the US they'd refer to it as "not having your back"?

My DH would push past me to get the cat 😂

TBF, I would also push past him to get the cat.

The cat would push us both out of the way to get to safety.

In all seriousness though (and if the cat wasn't in danger) then yes, DH would always make sure I was safe in a crisis or dangerous situation.

My husband would. I know because we were in a bad earthquake and his first instinct was to protect me. Only exception would be if it was me or kids, he would save the kids, as he should.

Yes my DH would absolutely look after me.
In fact, he has often given me plans of action of what to do to keep myself safe incase of an unexpected crisis i.e break in, or if he's seen a natural disaster on the news he discuss what we would do in that situation
I would say he is actively prepared 😂

Well, he couldn't now but he would have, as I would do all I could to save him. This has the caveat that noone knows exactly what their instincts will lead them to do until in said situation.

Thanks. I walked into a hold up in a store many years ago and could not have planned/predicted my reaction for the world! It was the very last thing I was expecting and extremely sudden. I actually ran like hell after being ordered, at gun point, to put my hands above my head
All was well, and bad guys caught, etc.

This is nothing close to such drama, but more of a growing realisation. I agree that it isn't worth dwelling on, but it does tell me a bit about how I feel in general. Perhaps my values are changing, there does appear to be a slight fissure, somewhere..

Mine wouldn’t. I was sexually assaulted by a drunk man right in front of him and he didn’t intervene. “Didn’t want it to escalate”. Left it to a complete stranger to step in and help me. He really doesn’t have my back at all in any way.

He absolutely would. I probably wouldn’t attempt help him because he’s built like the proverbial and, physically, it would be impossible for me (obviously depends on the nature of the disaster but imagine you mean flood, fire, earthquake that kind of thing). I would never leave him though, if I couldn’t physically rescue him I’d stay with him and accept my fate. If it was the other way round I’d be the one saying ‘you go on without me…’.
All of this is theoretical, of course, as none of actually really knows how we would react in a disaster.

That's absolutely disgraceful!! 😔

100% my OH would have attempted to save me unless it was water where I'd have had to save him.
If any DC were present, the agreement was always kids first before partners.
I'd be concerned OP if you strongly feel your other half wouldn't have your back.

There was a very good drama based on this called Force Majeure (Ruben Oestlund) when in an avalanche, the DH first instinct is to run and leave his wife and child behind. It deals with the aftermath of that.

He would, but if it came to a choice between me or the DC, I'd rather he rescued the DC.

We have an agreement that we save ourselves and one doesnt try to rescue the other. It's a pragmatic approach.

Crikey, that's harsh.
I wonder in such cases whether it's a sort of blind paralysis or a terror of conflict - maybe they never learned how to manage that. Or they're just not good for you. It's tricky. I am not sure I could deal with that one.

Given your example of getting on a lifeboat, I can picture DH waiting for me/grabbing me and running if I was too slow.
I would wait for him too but if push came to shove and only one could get on, one of us would have to as we have children to stay alive for.

My partner would run through a burning building to bring me a cup of coffee. Well mild exageration, but he would definitely save me and the pets in a crisis situation. I would also do the same for him though without thought.

I don't know why you would want a partner who wouldn't?!

@BehindTheSequinsandStilettos I watched that a few months ago, oddly enough, after some dental work!
The scene where the bottled resentment came out in the room when they were with friends was one of the most uncomfortable few mins. I never could find where I sat with that one, a wonderful piece of work.