Would your OH attempt to save you in a disaster?

[mossybranches]

We all react differently in an actual crisis, often beyond what we could ever have predicted - I have been there.

But something drifted into my head yesterday that left me a bit confused.
I was thinking about a crisis somewhere in the world, when I briefly imagined my OH's reaction to that, and I could NOT see him prioritising me.
I felt awful for a moment and derided myself, but then the feeling just sort of 'sat there'...kind of like a clear awareness.

I don't mean cowardice or the expectation of a man to help me as a defenceless woman, either! It isn't a gendered thing at all and could easily be applied to anyone whether man, woman or best friend. Just this sudden awareness that he, in particular, wouldn't make a bee line to help me if we were trying to get on a lifeboat, etc.

I have no proof of this, and could of course be wrong, but do realise that the fact that it even occurred to me is odd. I have always seen us as close and very similar, with very similar values, yet as I grow older my mind is changing. He is kind and decent, but realising that I don't think he would stick his neck out for me in a shit situation isn't good is it?

Some weird shit crawls out of the woodwork in mid life..

DH is ex military and then ex police. I know and trust without a shadow of a doubt that in physical danger me and the kids would be protected and his priority.

Emotionally though, he’s had to work on himself a lot with therapy as he was about as protective as a fish and he’s hung me out to dry in major ways, many times. He’s had therapy to try and improve this and has genuinely worked on himself as much as he can, but my instinct now is I face things alone, and I’m pleasantly surprised if I get more than that.

You'd never really know until it happened so pointless thinking about it.

That’s a bit sad OP. DH would save me, unless the kids were present in which case he’s under orders to save them.

Your DH sounds like mine.

We were talking about how women give out their real number to men who pester them because it can be unsafe to give a fake number in case they try it and get angry. My DH told me never to give out my real number. If someone is pestering me in a bar go and tell a bouncer or the bar staff, call him and wait with the member of staff until he arrives. I could see he was worked up just thinking about that scenario.

We were at a wedding recently and some young guys tried to gatecrash it. DH went to speak to them and told them to leave. One guy though he was being clever and swung for DH. DH had him on the floor restrained in a split second. The other guys scarpered and DH held the guy on the floor until he had calmed down. He then let him leave. When the guys first came in my DH and one of his friends were the first people to pulled off the dancefloor to go help. There were plenty other men there when it happened but nobody intervened. Makes me wonder what would happen if it had just been one of those men with their family and no other men to step in.

I know exactly what you mean. Mine does not have my back. In less extreme situations (e.g social) then you describe he will throw me under the bus if it smooths the way for himself. He will always take the biggest portion of everything. If there is a shitty end of the stick he will make sure I get it. The other day I woke up unexpectedly ill with some unusual and slightly concerning symptoms. We couldn’t do what we had planned for the day. He sulked and quizzed me as if he didn’t believe me. He also recently sat through a mutual acquaintance bad mouth me to
my face and didn’t even put his arm
round me to show support. They seem like
such small things really but they totally affect how I feel about him. I would love to know why he is like this.

@Illpickthatup yes they do sound similar after reading that. We have had two weddings where DH has had to step in. One where a man was verbally abusing his wife and accusing her of sucking her ex off in the toilet, they were in their fifties and he was being vile to her! and another where the drunk BIL tried to take a swing at the bride! DH slung them out on both occasions. He might not always be diplomatic but I'm glad he's about when things get ugly.

In a true life or death situation my DH would WANT to save me, but probably wouldn't be ABLE to!

He panics in moments of crisis, while I'm the calm, sensible, voice of reason as he loses his head around me!

On the other hand, I've had situations where I've been ill or injured and he's arranged to take time off work, or work from home, to be able to look after me, even before I knew whether I needed help or not, so he's definitely on my side, but I'm just not sure he's totally reliable in a true crisis!

Mine totally has my back, he would make sure me and the rest of the family were ok and then would help anyone else that he could if needed

Yeah, he would, and so would I. Kids first, then each other. I've intervened before for strangers in trouble, so I know what I'd do. And DH has his faults, but he'd never leave me to be hurt or in danger.

Made me think of this little scene from Rick & Morty

DH would be, and has been, absolutely useless in any kind of emergency situation.

Without going into details (as it would be instantly recognisable to anyone who knows our family) one of our DC was in an acute life threatening situation and dh gave up and thought he was dead and wandered off to call emergency services to report the death.

I didn’t give up and saved DC’s life. I think about it often but luckily dh has many other redeeming qualities. I just know I’m the one who has to step up in an emergency (and that he won’t come to my rescue if I’m hurt, he will disintegrate).

Yes. He would.

Id help him but would put my own safety first as I need to be here for my son still.

Im not sure this reflects well on me

At the moment, yes, but that’s because we are just a couple. Baby is coming in December and if it came to a choice between saving me and saving our child, I would hope and expect him to pick our child. I think he’d feel the same!

This made me think that my own issue was well described above - it is when someone steps ahead and prioritises you without having to, like the example above where DH took time off work to be there when she was unwell, even though she did not ask him to.

It is the SMALL things, I suppose, not really comparable to the dramatic title of my OP

I always think ahead and plan for both of our comfort, but he doesn't seem to. A friend of his once told me it was 'bunker mentality' due to some amount of neglect when he was growing up. Our childhoods were very different. Perhaps it is something we learn?

OP, I suggest you watch the film Force Majeure, it's about this exact situation

Current dp yes, he makes sure he’s on the outside of the pavement and checks in home safe if I’ve been out walking the dog alone in the evening. Others … nah not so much

Nope, he would not save me and does not have my back. STBXH.

We were staying in a hotel once, went to bed, went to sleep. Later on we both wake up to the sound of someone trying a key in our door. Husband tears the duvet off of me and wraps it around himself like he wants to be the filling in a duvet Swiss roll. I try to pull some back to cover myself but he won't let me have a scrap of it, and tucks it under himself, so I have to resort to trying to cover myself with a pillow. He says he doesn't remember, which is absolutely fine, because I certainly do.

I guess it was a drunk person who had got the wrong room number.

Hahaha! Exactly the same!!! We know our place in the pecking order 😂

I know when I’m poorly dh has my back and looks after me. He’s travelled 6 hours across the country to come and get me once, dropped everything and came. And he didn’t need to, I’d taken small Dd away camping and the tent kept collapsing and I was crying and hacked off.

Yes you’re not talking about ‘being saved’ op, you’re just realising your DH is not that kind or caring. Possibly can turn it on for other people though. I’m wondering what age you both are? Are you out the other side of menopause? The scales do tend to fall from your eyes at that point and you start to think about what would happen if you became vulnerable as you age.

It’s hard to vocalise, I know, but you just know when someone would step over you to get to the lifeboat.

LOL glad I’m not the only one! 🤣

Because he’s a cowardly cowardly custard with no backbone & selfish to his very core?

I asked DH. He said he thinks he would do his best, he would try and get me to a life boat or out of a building ahead of him or rescue me if we were both drowning. Although he sensibly added "this is hypothetical though, I can't say for sure because I'm not in that situation". Which seems pretty reasonable.

If I consider past behaviour, where we have been in crowds at gigs etc. he keeps an eye on me and makes sure I don't get crushed or elbowed in the face so he does look out for my wellbeing. Doing this often means he reduces his experience /enjoyment but it doesn't put him at risk, so can't say if he would actually risk his safety for mine.

I think within the limits of our physical and emotional capacity we'd both do our absolute utmost to save eachothers lives in a crisis.
But in certain situations you'd expect any random stranger to instinctively try and help all those around them in distress.

I honestly don't think I could ever forgive him for that. But what a shero you are x

Yeah, there's no clarity like menopause clarity.