Would your OH attempt to save you in a disaster?

[mossybranches]

We all react differently in an actual crisis, often beyond what we could ever have predicted - I have been there.

But something drifted into my head yesterday that left me a bit confused.
I was thinking about a crisis somewhere in the world, when I briefly imagined my OH's reaction to that, and I could NOT see him prioritising me.
I felt awful for a moment and derided myself, but then the feeling just sort of 'sat there'...kind of like a clear awareness.

I don't mean cowardice or the expectation of a man to help me as a defenceless woman, either! It isn't a gendered thing at all and could easily be applied to anyone whether man, woman or best friend. Just this sudden awareness that he, in particular, wouldn't make a bee line to help me if we were trying to get on a lifeboat, etc.

I have no proof of this, and could of course be wrong, but do realise that the fact that it even occurred to me is odd. I have always seen us as close and very similar, with very similar values, yet as I grow older my mind is changing. He is kind and decent, but realising that I don't think he would stick his neck out for me in a shit situation isn't good is it?

Some weird shit crawls out of the woodwork in mid life..

I really hope you left him after this, I would never be able to look at him in the same way ever again 😔

I would expect my husband to prioritise me over anyone else other than our kids. He was stronger than me so I can only think whatever disaster it was that needed strength he'd be more useful than me. I think he would too.

This is the very tip of a realisation of something much much deeper.

it’s not about the saving.

it’s not about genders.

it’s the sinking realisation that, proofless or not, your assumption is that in an emergency, he would not in fact run into a burning house for you, and that in turn means something about how he loves you, to you, and you are now subconsciously trying to decide if that’s OK with you. Is it enough? Is it how you want to be loved.

To people who say he would, they do not actually know. If he was to help you and you both get out, sure. But if he thought he would die saving you, then he possibly wouldn’t. I am talking about an impossible situation where 2 cannot survive it or if one helps, you both die. Maybe one parachute!?

More likely for instinct to kick in if it was dc in trouble.

Just asked DH if he would save me if we were both in a burning building scenario: 'I'd chuck you out of the window and hope you landed in a pond'

I'm pretty sure he'd have a go at saving me, he's good like that. Probably after he'd saved the dog and given her a pat on the head and a biscuit and a blanket.

I'm fairly sure, I think he would, but then forever more dine out on it and make it my fault. If that makes any sense.

So the marina wall thing a pp mentioned. Yes he would run around the long way to get to me, and for the next 10 years anytime I went near a wall I'd hear about it. "Dont get too close" "what drop is on the other side " "be careful, dont sit too far back" and "remember last time you sat on a wall" any time with friends or family it would be embellished.

The assault, well I would fear for the other guy, not necessarily because DP cares about it, but more in a I'm his woman, no one should touch me kinda way. He would massacre the other man.

Car accident, he would be ultra pissed off about the car first I think. Then me, but deffo car first.

House burning down, animals first then me if there was time.

The other way round, I'd be at his side for the wall thing and never mention it again unless he did.
If he was assaulted, I know he can look after himself, but I'd be right there with a right hook.
Car accident, I'd be looking out for him.
House burning down, I'd rescue animals first then him if time.

Our kids are grown now, but if they were in the picture, both of us would save them first.

I would want DH to get our DS ahead of me. He is absolutely the priority.

DH and I have been in two situations, one where we both could have been hurt or killed, and one where I could have been badly hurt. In both he prioritised my safety, getting me out even though it meant he could have come off worse. I was actually quite upset about it after - I felt strangely angry that he didn't prioritise himself, although looking back I think it's because I wasn't in a position to help him the way he did me for various reasons (even though I would have if I'd been able to). I feel very grateful to know that he's got my back in the most severe of situations.

We have an agreement that the children are saved first (obviously), and then at least one of us has to survive to care for them. So whichever of us has the best chance of survival in any given situation.

'I'd chuck you out of the window and hope you landed in a pond'

How odd, I was considering just this today after realising how much dh skips across road crossings at the last second, expecting me to follow, and then if I do, often somehow carves me up so I can't get on the pavement.

It's not remotely deliberate but it means that I don't ever trust that he is prioritising my safety. He is chronically impatient in a queue situation and will also bustle ahead without checking back for me.

He would definitely also be eaten by a zombie.

My DH would prioritise DC 100% without a doubt. And then I would be next.

I would of course prioritise DC. DH is much more able bodied and better at coping than me so probably wouldn't need my assistance but if he did he'd be next.

The entire time of helping them though I'd be worrying about the cat......

My DH has been a bit of a dick since we has our child, but one thing I will say for him is when we go on holiday he will always make sure he is walking behind me so he can keep an eye on me. When I first met him I found this a bit strange, and he's not chivalrous in any sense. But this he will always do, I have to be in front so he can be sure that I am OK.

Wow, not to be harsh, but what redeeming qualities could possibly make up for that unforgivable oversight

Absolutely he would. I’ve often thought that if I ended up in some horror film situation I probably wouldn’t panic as much as I should because as long as he was alive I’d be 100% convinced he was coming for me.

My BIL did this once. A fire alarm went off while we were having dinner and he ran off leaving his elderly mum, wife and young daughter. It confirmed what I already thought about him.
Luckily for all it was a false alarm - if it wasn't he'd be ok and we would be dead. Disgusted.

I worked with n a pub when I was pregnant, I was alone but exh was downstairs. Some men started behaving threateningly. I rang down to exh he said he would be up soon. He didn't come and when I rang again he didn't answer the phone.!I rang police who refused to come out saying it was for the staff (me) to deal with. The manager was away and there was no one else I could call. In the end I got them out (after being pinned against a wall) exh came up after and pretended he misunderstood. (Total lie) I knew then I couldn't trust him.

Current dh I fully believe would rescue me from a burning building but when it comes to mh he tends to retreat which can be tough. I remember in the car once I was struggling with anxiety and I asked him to talk to me to distract me. He wanted me to tell him what to talk about which I couldn't as I was trying to hold it all together. He literally talked for a couple of minutes about work then turned the music on and ignored me while I cried my eyes out. I realised then I was on my own.

He would give his life for mine in a heartbeat, I have zero doubt of that.

The meno yes! You realise that your rose tinted glasses were an illusion and if you've been with your partner a while their bad/uncaring/unfeeling behaviour turns to sharp focus. My partner is a good earner but is very self centred. Emotional issues with the kids? He's doing his hobbies. Concerns of mine? He mocks. Ill health of mine? He leaves me alone.
It's 50/50 whether I stay with him as I just hit the meno and it feels like he doesn't factor my happiness or health into it and minimises everything over the years which is coming home to roost, from 2 miscarriages, cancer scares and various (thankfully temporary) illnesses and various creepy males (he actually victim blamed me).
He's small and weak so not sure he would be effective in a fight.
He says he loves me but am not so sure. ;(

Here’s another good one to consider.

Imagine being struck down with an awful debilitating condition which requires significant home care. How quickly (if at all) would your OH bail out?

I think we’d all have an idea of how that situation would pan out, should any of us be that unfortunate.

Oooh, I like to think DP is a nice man, but I suspect this would be the end of us.

I read aaaaages ago that in this situation, mostly the men leave when the wife gets sick, mostly the women stay when the husband gets sick.

I wondered if sex or lack of might have anything to do with mens choices.

I've thought about this more than once, and I reckon I'd leave him.
Because, I'm not up for the fight for benefits, having to move house or get this one fixed up for him, he wouldnt be the least bit graceful, he'd be angry he couldn't do his usual things, his family would expect me to give up work to look after him and get in the way of everything. His family would also not help at all.

Basically I'd get the shitty end of the stick no matter what I did, so leaving would mean I wouldnt have to deal with them.

I have no doubt my DH would not only try to save me but sacrifice himself in the process to save me if needed.

My mam has a few friends and a relative who had partners leave or cheat in them when they got terminally ill. In the case of the relative’s husband he found comfort in the arms of someone 20 years younger and moved out but then was at the head of the church as the principal mourner and her family let him! I couldn’t understand it!

In contrast my dad’s sister’s ex had a midlife crisis in his late 50’s and left her for a 20 year old who he paid to out through University (massive fees), funded her designer lifestyle taking out loans and a mortgage - he got cancer, she scarpered, he lost his house and my aunt let him move back in and nursed him the last year of his life. My mum’s colleague cheated on his wife and left her and she took him in when he was ill and nursed him back to health, he scarpered with another young one when he was better.

I like to think my partner would stick around, he and his dad were great and pulled together for his mum when she was dying. Women are better in a crisis but there are a few good guys out there if you look really really hard lol!