Would your OH attempt to save you in a disaster?

[mossybranches]

We all react differently in an actual crisis, often beyond what we could ever have predicted - I have been there.

But something drifted into my head yesterday that left me a bit confused.
I was thinking about a crisis somewhere in the world, when I briefly imagined my OH's reaction to that, and I could NOT see him prioritising me.
I felt awful for a moment and derided myself, but then the feeling just sort of 'sat there'...kind of like a clear awareness.

I don't mean cowardice or the expectation of a man to help me as a defenceless woman, either! It isn't a gendered thing at all and could easily be applied to anyone whether man, woman or best friend. Just this sudden awareness that he, in particular, wouldn't make a bee line to help me if we were trying to get on a lifeboat, etc.

I have no proof of this, and could of course be wrong, but do realise that the fact that it even occurred to me is odd. I have always seen us as close and very similar, with very similar values, yet as I grow older my mind is changing. He is kind and decent, but realising that I don't think he would stick his neck out for me in a shit situation isn't good is it?

Some weird shit crawls out of the woodwork in mid life..

Years ago one of DH’s friends was attacked and his GF stood shouting at him to walk away (impossible as the guy kept coming after him)

I remember at the time wondering how I’d react, and the thought of DH being attacked like that made me so furious that I’m pretty sure any potential attacker would have 2 of us to deal with (I can get quite viscous when attacked - I’ve been known to bite 😳)

I absolutely know mine would. He puts me and our child first without thinking, all the time. He'd do it for strangers too.

My dad is the same.

I don't know how I'd be. Probably so focused on my child that everything else would pass me by! But if it was just my husband and I, I'd do everything I could to help him. He'd be furious if I put myself in danger for him though!

Ah, Downhill was the remake of Force Majeure. I think I've seen it but preferred the original. <runs off to look>

I think my DH and I would be like that too.
We've fortunately not had to test it much for real but had a mild disagreement over who should walk ahead on paths liable to have a adder on them (after coming a bit close to one on a boardwalk ). My smaller size vs his health conditions. I won that one and walked ahead.

This is disgusting. What kind of man ignores his sister being beaten up?

So sorry some of you have such useless awful men in your lives.

Had a few incidents where I've been glad that dh has 'shown up' for me.

A man threw an ice cube at me in a club and it hit me in the eye and damaged it badly. Dh choked him out.

One man stuck his hand up my skirt when I was stood at a bar and grabbed my vulva. Dh broke his jaw.

I was swept out to sea on a lilo and not a strong swimmer. Dh swam out to rescue me and made out he'd swam out for a 'kiss' when he saw i was panicked and embarrassed. Got me back safely.

I can phone him anytime, any place and he's there for me.

Yes definitely and he’s the kind of person who would likely endanger his own life to save a drowning person or dog, with no thought to the danger he may encounter.

I’ve luckily never been in a serious situation but going by my DH’s reaction to small things, no he wouldn’t have my back. That’s one of the reasons our relationship has broken down.

I’m confident that my husband would try to save me, not in water though, he can’t swim !

Me too by a number of drunken men. He ran away.

It was before we were married. Should have been a clue to me but I was young and very stupid.

Interesting OP in that everything you've said applies to my DH. No support, moves away, dismisses/belittles my feelings etc. I've stopped discussing things with him, I chat to my lovely DC instead 🙂. I also 'mirror' so do the same back to him when he wants a rant about something that's affecting annoyed him. Yes it sounds sad and it is, I know that 🙁.

He has a game plan mapped out in case of zombie apocalypse.

He is prone to intervening in “situations”. Probably not always for the best but his background is a career that requires awareness and action so he just does what he does.

I imagine he’d shout at me to do what I should do if he felt he needed to “save” me.

We’ve had the convo that if it’s choice between each other OR our child, we choose our child.

On a lighter note - yup generally I feel protected by him. I hope he feels the same about me although of course we have natural strengths/weaknesses to each other.

Tbf I don’t think this is necessarily something to be proud of. Whilst I know without a shadow of a doubt my DH would protect me, I would be mightily pissed off if he choked a guy out for throwing an ice cube at me. That’s a disproportionate reaction and could be a criminal offence as I doubt it would be classed as reasonable self defence. Protecting your wife and family includes making sure you can control your violence so you don’t end up in prison or jobless as a result of criminal convictions.

Tbf I don’t think this is necessarily something to be proud of. Whilst I know without a shadow of a doubt my DH would protect me, I would be mightily pissed off if he choked a guy out for throwing an ice cube at me. That’s a disproportionate reaction and could be a criminal offence as I doubt it would be classed as reasonable self defence. Protecting your wife and family includes making sure you can control your violence so you don’t end up in prison or jobless as a result of criminal convictions.

I have learned that those early signs are vital - they never get better only worse with time.
When I was young I would shelve it and think it would change, improve, grow. But ti really really doesn't does it?

Mine let my parents sit with me after a (very early) miscarriage. He skulked around the edges like a teenager. I never quite got past that, but never left him either. This was a long time ago. We do some inexplicable things when young. I had a fantastic upbringing and was very confident, but sadly still endured that kind of treatment.

One hundred per cent, unless our kid was there, in which case he would prioritise her, which is what I would want and expect. If she wasn't involved in this hypothetical disaster, and staying to help me meant certain death, I'd be telling him to bugger off and save himself so that one of us was still there for her. If our situations were reversed and he was the one in need of rescuing, everything I've said is what he would expect and want of me.

Truth? (from someone looking at it who knows neither of you)
It shows a lack of empathy/avoidant behaviour - you're not "allowed" to be vulnerable/sad/sick or in pain. That's not in the script. He'd have to do something about it and either doesn't want to, doesn't care to or is scared of any weakness on your part as usually you're the strong one.
So, have you suddenly become needy? (sounds not from your post). Has he got fed up of supporting your needs? (did he in the past?)
Does he expect anything from you in similar situations? (perhaps he is self-contained/self-sufficient/does self-care so projecting)
Did you used to have intimacy or is the aloofness recent? (Preferred love languages - do you each have one?)
My preferred love language is acts of service so I could never make it work with anyone who didn't bring me a from time to time.

edit
Just read your last post. Yes, red flags were there. I'm sorry. I understand why you stayed though. It happens. How old are you now, may I ask? Is it too late now to start over or want different things or do you go on, but knowing you need to be self-sufficient? Have you ever discussed all this with him?

Where did you all find these cowards? I always found middle class men were more likely to be like this. Wimpish. Working class men are usually much more willing and able to protect.

Why are you all married to these shitshows? I have zero doubt in my mind that my DH would rescue me in a crisis. He would shove old ladies out of the way to get to me if need be. He's one of those men who scans a room when he enters it for potential dangers. (One of the many joys of his ADHD). I can literally switch my brain off when I'm out and about because I know he is fully away of his surroundings and has already located the nearest exits etc. I trust him with my life completely.

PP who said her "D"H stood by as she was sexually assaulted? What the actual fuck? God help any man who laid a hand on me or even spoke to me inappropriately.

I don't think it's sexist at all to expect your DH to rescue you. You can be Miss Independent all you want but the fact of the matter is, in some situations you need a man. I know mine has my back 100% and vice versa. As a woman I'm more limited in the ways I could rescue him but I would without a doubt run into a burning building for him.

@mossybranches It sounds like your past trauma has made you very much aware of what you need to feel safe, and I know it isn't the damsel in distress thing, it's about having each other's back. If you know you don't have this with him then rethink your options. And @VaddaABeetch and @Saschka, it isn't often I say LTB to women other than the op on a thread.

Same tbh.

I've read your posts with a feeling of familiarity. I've been with my DH for 20 years, and over that time gradually realised that I am not quite real to him, or rather I'm subordinate in his head to other people. He'd do things like push me off the pavement in an effort to make more space for someone else, or slam into me in a supermarket when he jumps out of someone's way. No apology, ever. I used to joke with my kids that if we were in a car crash, he'd be more concerned about the people in the other vehicle than he would about me.

We were in a head-on collision in Italy. After the moment of impact, I checked I was still okay and rushed out to help the elderly couple in the other car. Didn't give my husband a thought. What goes around comes around. Years of being treated like my feelings and wellbeing don't matter has got me to the point that his feelings and wellbeing don't even register with me.

In my DH's case, I think it was narcissism. He is very concerned about his image, and how random strangers might view him, and very much less concerned about having an authentic and loving relationship with his wife. Though since I've been considering divorce, he's made considerably more effort to hide his lack of empathy. Funny that.

OP, do you think he would help another person if they got into trouble? Would he also put himself first in that situation. I always read about 'heroes' that selflessly help others in horrible situations and think that's such a decent person. That it doesn't matter that they don't know them - their reaction is always to help others.

We have discussed several hypothetical situations and how I should react in all cases. My DH told me if he was being attacked to run away to safety. I told him no fucking way would that be happening. I'd have my heels off and be rattling them into the other guys skull. 🤣

My DH is disabled but he'd still try if he possibly could, not a shadow of a doubt. Just as I'd prioritise him.