Would your OH attempt to save you in a disaster?

[mossybranches]

We all react differently in an actual crisis, often beyond what we could ever have predicted - I have been there.

But something drifted into my head yesterday that left me a bit confused.
I was thinking about a crisis somewhere in the world, when I briefly imagined my OH's reaction to that, and I could NOT see him prioritising me.
I felt awful for a moment and derided myself, but then the feeling just sort of 'sat there'...kind of like a clear awareness.

I don't mean cowardice or the expectation of a man to help me as a defenceless woman, either! It isn't a gendered thing at all and could easily be applied to anyone whether man, woman or best friend. Just this sudden awareness that he, in particular, wouldn't make a bee line to help me if we were trying to get on a lifeboat, etc.

I have no proof of this, and could of course be wrong, but do realise that the fact that it even occurred to me is odd. I have always seen us as close and very similar, with very similar values, yet as I grow older my mind is changing. He is kind and decent, but realising that I don't think he would stick his neck out for me in a shit situation isn't good is it?

Some weird shit crawls out of the woodwork in mid life..

That would be it for me. My DH (of 35 years) would walk through fire and over broken glass to help me, and absolutely puts my welfare first - every time. He would NEVER stand back and watch another man abuse me. I have seen a number of posts on Mumsnet lately where women are saying that their DH/DP just stood there and did NOTHING (and said NOTHING,) whilst another man had a go at her/threatened her/attacked her, yet they stay with him.

@mossybranches Are you sure this is the man you want to be with for life? Me and DH have had some spats in the past, and it's not all been roses and sunshine, but I know he 'always has my back' (as you put it.) He's not perfect, but he's a very kind and passionate man, and would do anything for me. Isn't this what you should be aiming for? To have a man who regards you as his number 1?

Love and passion, and caring for each other is what you need, and a man who will fight your corner, not 'meh, I don't want to get involved, and if the worst comes to worst, we can call an ambulance.' One poster on here some months ago, said her partner had said women fought for the same equal rights as a man, so they can take a punch like a man.' Yes, really!

Just one more thing OP, if you ever become very ill and need care (like God forbid you get cancer or something,) do you really think he will stay and look after you? Nurture you, care for you, treat you like the love of his life who he would die for? If the answer is 'no' then please re-think if you should stay with him.

He would. I fell of a high marina wall onto concrete and he only just stopped himself jumping down after me - which would have injured him too. He had to run round and down to get to me.

I’m single but my ex would have saved me . Infact he did as we went through a bomb threat together at work and rather than save anyone else or himself he came and got me and got me out . Never forgotten it

My DH definitely wouldn't rescue me. He would faff and fuss and have tons of excuses about why he didn't/couldn't but still.

He's actually my STBXDH, and writing this has just highlighted to me one of the many reasons why I'm divorcing him.

My husband absolutely would, no doubt in my mind. He may well put the kids before me now, as it should be really, but that’s not to say he’d just disregard me altogether. Some of these posts have me truly baffled!
In terms of a less serious situation than a ‘rescue mission’, I don’t doubt he’d have my back then too. We were at an event several years ago now and when my husband went to the bar to get drinks and I stayed at our table, I was assaulted by a man, he wouldn’t take no for an answer and had hold of my wrist and was dragging me to the door. My husband was there in a flash and absolutely flattened him. Considering he absolutely isn’t a fighter usually, he wasn’t having that for a single second. I dread to think what would’ve happened if I’d been alone.
We are, of course, all different and want different things but I don’t believe it’s much of an ask for your life partner to have your back.

My husband has recurring dreams where he's trying to save me from apocalyptic scenarios that I caused. So I think he'd definitely try. Realistically though I'm the level headed one in an emergency, so it would probably be the other way around. Anything physical we'd both struggle.

Well, it's a sad realisation if you think your SO wouldn't think of you in a crisis. If he's great in other ways then maybe that balances things out but if he's generally a selfish bugger then it all adds up. Maybe we've all been fed too many romantic hero scenarios in Hollywood movies and want our very own Harrison Ford by our side.

My DH has actually 'saved' me in a dangerous situation once and helped others. I know he's the kind of guy who could be heroic in a public disaster situation too. He was in the police once though so maybe that's something to do with the mindset. However, what I think you're talking about, OP, is a feeling of not mattering enough to someone rather than a lack of courage.

Yes, he would. But he would probably annoy me because I'd be certain I could save myself, so we'd have to have a long, protracted row about it first.

He better, the same as I would protect him but I hope we would both protect my children first they would be my number 1 priority but he would come after that. I'm not really into the equal rights thing I want to get in the lifeboat first

I doubt it. In fact the only two times in my life I've been in (kind of) a fight have been when a man tried to mug H when we were walking down a dark alley (he cowered behind me while I squared up to the guy) and when H was randomly punched (he played dead on the floor while again I squared up to the guy). I'm not violent but the adrenaline kicked in both times.

So based on past experiences it'd be me rescuing/protecting him, not the other way around. Though if either of the above scenarios happened at the moment I'd just ditch him to his fate.

@mossybranches @BarshMarton can really relate to you both. H definitely prioritises himself and basically anyone he can impress over me (no point impressing me apparently). He'd be far more likely to save a friend or stranger than me I think, if he saved anyone...

There's a film called Force Majeure that's about this very issue, it's really interesting, I'd recommend it.

That's a brilliant film. It definitely made me realise that you can never know how you, or anyone else, will react in those situations until you're actually in it. And luckily, I've never been in anything like that. (And the situations in this thread are very wide-ranging. People would probably react differently in a house fire vs hostage situations vs zombie apocalypse. Any disaster that befalls you is probably not the one you've done a thought experiment on.)

I'd like to think I'd save DP but honestly I have no idea where my fight-or-flight instinct sits. I'm prone to flapping in minor crises but surprisingly not in larger ones.

DP has good reflexes, is practical and level-headed so those are good qualities to start with.

He's braver in the sense that he's less afraid of physical pain. I would say I'm less afraid of confrontation with other people though not sure whether that's bravery or mardiness.

In answer to a few questions:

I think reaching 50 did it. I don't feel that this is ideal for me, and whilst no one is perfect, I would prefer to have better adventures before I die. It isn't quite enough, and there are too many glaring issues from the past that never fully resolved. So I do think that I may want to move on soon. I feel fairly confident that I can meet people who are decent. I just never took that step before..

Agree with the poster who said her OH was similar, in that he will perform for other people. He definitely does seem overly concerned about his image, so will run around impressing neighbours and such even if it leaves me in the cold.

He 'tells' me he is a good person, whether he thinks I agree, care or not. What he shows is often absent mindedness, a singular focus on work, and avoiding all conflict and issues to the point of severe home maintenance problems and screwed up holidays. It ain't great!

Fair comment but these incidents took place before we had children and set out for a better life. Can confirm that DH knows how to conduct himself without the use of violence these days and those incidents feel like a lifetime ago. We have both grown.

Honestly this thread has really made me appreciate my dh. Any problem I have I know I can turn to him.

We've agreed with one another that, if relevant, we should save the kids rather than each other, so I hope he would save them first. But I have no doubt he would also try to save me.

Honestly I can hand on heart say in a disaster, boat sinking, plane crash, fire etc my DH would help our children first, then me, then anyone else needing help before himself. He absolutely would, I have no doubt!

Has anyone seen Love and Monsters? Some sort of apocalypse and the family are rushing to get in the car and escape.... The dm takes with her a chandelier... Bizarre. And not sure how she got a ladder and screwdriver - and an assistant to do that!! The dc got in the car themselves thankfully!!

My partner would run and expect me to keep up but wouldn’t think to check if I could or if I needed help - he might grab our kid too but even then I couldn’t be 100%. His brain short circuits and goes into flight mode when panicking. We’ve missed buses and trains before because he’s just started running when seeing them pull in but hasn’t thought about me having all the bags and the kid - I have to yell after him to help with the stuff. He also always wanders off when we’re out places - my friends have always found it hilarious that we almost need toddler reigns for him. He just seems to think that I should know what he’s thinking or about to do - I have to keep explaining I am not telepathic. Funnily day to day stuff takes ages as he over thinks things so takes ages to get ready, talks about what we should be doing and bringing and then forgets half his stuff. It drives me nuts as I end up doing 99% of getting ready stuff.

Incidentally one of my best friends (the one I would defo team up with in a crisis as she is great at that) has remarked that in a zombie situation he would be one of the first to die so we could throw to the zombies if we needed an escape without any guilt lol. He says we are cruel as he is stronger, faster and fitter than us but I am pretty sure he would panic run into a herd or spend so long talking about what we need to do that he is surrounded lol. I assume everyone else is also worried about zombie apocalypse planning lol.

Mine definitely would. Sadly he would panic, get in the way and cause us all to die 😂

There seems to be a few drastically varying scenarios being played out here from expecting your DH to intervene in genuine life or death situations and what seems to be just exacting violent revenge on some twat in a night club. I have certainly seen on a few occasions when working in bars and night clubs some girlfriend expecting some woefully ill prepared boyfriend to go and 'sort out' another man which is only going to end with said boyfriend getting the shit kicked out of him.

Speaking of films, I recently saw the series 'The Days', telling the story of the 2011 nuclear plant disaster in Fukushima. An excellent work, and contained some interesting parallels to this thread - prioritising the safety of others, etc.

DS was assaulted in the street - his girlfriend (all 5' nothing of her) leapt on the assailant's back. It left me in no doubt how much she loved DS.

People have completely different abilities.

My mam was autistic, this gave her an AMAZING ability to stay calm and level headed in panic situations. She saw something that needed doing, prioritized and just went into 'get on with it mode' regardless of what else was going on.

I wish I had that skill but I'd be far more likely to go catatonic if it was a loved one (although I'm ok with strangers though). I don't even know why, like fear paralysis.

Same...