Would your OH attempt to save you in a disaster?

[mossybranches]

We all react differently in an actual crisis, often beyond what we could ever have predicted - I have been there.

But something drifted into my head yesterday that left me a bit confused.
I was thinking about a crisis somewhere in the world, when I briefly imagined my OH's reaction to that, and I could NOT see him prioritising me.
I felt awful for a moment and derided myself, but then the feeling just sort of 'sat there'...kind of like a clear awareness.

I don't mean cowardice or the expectation of a man to help me as a defenceless woman, either! It isn't a gendered thing at all and could easily be applied to anyone whether man, woman or best friend. Just this sudden awareness that he, in particular, wouldn't make a bee line to help me if we were trying to get on a lifeboat, etc.

I have no proof of this, and could of course be wrong, but do realise that the fact that it even occurred to me is odd. I have always seen us as close and very similar, with very similar values, yet as I grow older my mind is changing. He is kind and decent, but realising that I don't think he would stick his neck out for me in a shit situation isn't good is it?

Some weird shit crawls out of the woodwork in mid life..

Oh im so sorry that happened to you. I dont think I could stay with my husband after that, id lose all respect.

I read "Prophet Song" by Paul Lynch last month - it's quite dystopian and about Ireland effectively dissolving into curfews and civil war in present day.

Immediately upon reading it, I told DH that if anything, anything like a natural disaster or civil war or mob rule were to happen and somehow I got separated from him and the kids, he was to get out and not wait for me or look for me. I also told him I wouldn't wait or look for him.

It's not because we don't love each other, but because if most of us as a family can be safe, that's the most important thing.

I mean, if he was under a fallen wall in front of me, I wouldn't walk off. I would try and save him, and he would do the same for me. But not if one of us was taken off in the night and the country was disintegrating and there wasn't much time to leave safely.

(I promise I'm not a prepper! I maybe shouldn't read three dystopian nightmare books in a row after watching an episode of that zombie series...)

Yes he 100% would, he would save the kids first (as I would want him too!) but then I have zero doubt that he would - he would risk his own life for me. He would risk his life to save people he doesn’t know. That’s one thing I love about him is he always looks out for others.
I would like to think that I would be the same for dh, and in certain situations I would (and I always would for my kids) but I’m not sure until I was put in that situation as I’m a bit of a coward 😂

I'm actually a save yourself kinda girl.

I would run in to a burning building for my kids, but I wouldn't go in after my DH.

Jesus wept 😢. I couldn't look at him again without absolute disgust and derision...

My DH definitely would. Years ago a knife fight broke out in the carriage of our tube. Frightening as there's literally no where to go. DH got in front of me and shielded me from the blade that was being waved about inches away. So he's been tried, tested and passed.

We watch a lot of zombie films and so have a “zombie” plan in place (really just a disaster plan) and I can say with complete confidence that we would both have each others backs. We have been in crisis’ generally and have been able to easily rely on each other without thinking. I do think that if we were in a dangerous situation of any kind, we would both put each other first/be concerned about each other rather than ourselves. I know when we have kids, our priorities will shift slightly, we already have this a bit with my younger sister.

Would you do it for him OP?

I’m pretty sure my exhusband would have drawn up a spreadsheet and ascertained if there would be a net benefit to him prior to pissing on me if I was on fire. He definitely wouldn’t have tried to rescue me in the above scenario “incase he hurt his back”🙄

DP wouldn’t hesitate 😊

I doubt very much that my stbxh would have inconvenienced himself in anyway to save me in an emergency. He was thoroughly selfish.
I was in a car accident once, when he came to collect me his first response was a huffy 'what did you do?' It wasnt my fault at all, it was completely the other driver.
He also had to be dragged to the hospital when i had my emergency c sec as he had been working nights and was tired, even though i wanted him there.
One of many reasons he's now an ex.

No I don't believe DH would help anyone but himself, he's very self centred and 'me first'.

I remember watching the movie 'Downhill' where this sort of scenario is played out. I felt very uncomfortable and sad as I realised I was watching our family in that situation.

The only positive I suppose is that I now have a 'me first' attitude because I know he won't change so I have time to protect myself (and my children).

Since we all have varying strengths and weaknesses, I think it depends upon the situation - especially if the other person has a specific anxiety. Society and culture train us to judge and make expectations that hinge upon gender, which can be quite suffocating, and not at all healthy.

But in my case, I think it probably says more about my current feelings in the relationship. I feel that he has changed, and I have changed, in some small yet important ways, which are leading to a new perspective for me.

My husband drives me mad in a lot of ways but he checks my oil and tyre pressures before I go on any reasonable journey. If our house was on fire he’d make sure he was the last person out (as would I). He’d always come to “rescue” me.

Yep I haven’t seen Downhill but I saw Force Majeure, and the scene where the dad instinctively saves his phone over his kids was

To be fair to DH the problem is that he freezes and does nothing, rather than selfishness. Still not a great feeling to know you are totally on your own if anything happens though.

Well, I like to think my DP and I would try to save each other.

Thank you OP - it's a fascinating worm hole - I've now been looking at an article about the film we've both seen - if you have time, have a look, I think you'll enjoy it.
It mentions incidence of divorce following an air hijack, the poor behaviour alluded to of those on the Estonia (and mainly young men survived > women and no children) and how different reactions relate to Hobbes, Aristotle etc

Experiencing <i>Force Majeure</i> | Film-Philosophy (euppublishing.com)

Women first rule 'ignored in ship disasters' - study - BBC News

God how depressing if in a crisis we can't depend on our partner to save us

Yes I have no doubt that he'd rescue me or try to save me.

Mine would not grasp the situation. I would have to sling him over my shoulder and run.
There would be no point in trying to explain, as we would not have time for a debate and to consider 10 alternatives. His natural reaction would be 'But....'

My Dada broke into a burning house and bought out two young children who had been left alone while someone ran to the phone box to ring the fire brigade.

Yes. I can say with 100% certainty he would be like something out of The Transporter or Brenda Fraser in The Mummy. He would go through hell and high water to try to save me.

But it works both ways too. I'd walk through fire and do pretty much anything to save him even if it meant sacrificing myself.

Let's put it another way, with a few examples of what I mean:

If i was feeling low, perhaps missing my late parents at xmas, or having a bad day, he will move sway from me, as opposed to come close. He fails to recognise when I need close comfort, or just a hug. And no, I don't act inappropriately when I am feeling sad. I communicate it honestly and without demands as I would to any friend.

He is more likely to retreat and leave me alone than make me a cup of tea or offer words. It is as if my feelings are somehow something that he has to be 'wary of' as opposed to just naturally showing care. I have often found that to be a bit sad.

Another example: I have a slight medical issue, and mention a concern about it. It would be met with laughter, as if I am being silly, as if I could never possibly be hurt..and I am quite level headed when it comes to illness.

Stuff like that doesn't help.

On a train a few weeks ago I got trapped behind someone's large suitcase, both the woman and myself were trying to move it and help each other, whilst he was off ahead of us kicking it off his foot to get away, resulting in the case smashing into us further. He seemed not to know and would never do that deliberately, but there was a sense of being invisible at that moment. It's hard to describe really.

This is horrific. I hope you are no longer with him.

I don't believe DH would. Little things, stumbling own the stairs or tripping or dropping something - he never checks or asks if I'm alright.
A few health issues - double vision, I was left alone to drive to and fro hospitals.
He is very focused on the task in hand and his hobbies, so unless you are booked in as a meeting or have the bodywork of a 50s small English sports car no he wouldn't deviate from task in hand.

I am really very confident my DH would try to rescue me. I am really quite physically pathetic and would struggle to rescue myself, let alone him so am sure he would not expect me to in return. I am calm and practical though so would hope I would be useful to the rescue operation if clear thinking was needed.

There is a gendered element because he is much bigger and stronger than me which is obviously not a rule but not uncommon in M/F partnerships.