To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

DON’T hide an AirTag fgs. He’ll get notifications on his phone that it’s there.

That would be my story - I’ve searched the whole house for my expensive watch and I think I must have left it in the car when we went away overnight.

Well if you work it out please give me a heads up. I’d really appreciate it x

The reoccurrence of the gambling addiction sounds plausible, particularly if he's anywhere in the south of France. There are lots of cheap flights to Nice, I recall.

Well, he’s alive and planning to return then.

Yes he’s alive and well according to dd, enjoying his ‘break’ by all accounts, apart from me putting a downer on it with my accusations of him not going alone.
i haven’t tried contacting him and I have no intention of doing so, at the moment I have nothing good to say. I don’t want to accuse him of gambling or anything else. Whatever he’s doing is up to him now. Although where he is wouldn’t suggest gambling, he’s nowhere near Monaco. Not a big time gambler if that makes sense? He was doing it online, constantly on his iPad all the time practically every spare minute he got. He would have other pages loaded so he could drop them down to hide so I had no idea what was going on for a long time.

Do you trust that the information DD is passing along to you is true @JustMissNobody?

It seems odd to me, given what you've said, that she'd be passing anything on to you at all. Could he be using her to tell you what he wants you to believe?

It seems a bit odd to be in contact with DD daily....
I think he's probably in contact with DD while he's away so he can get information from her and gauge what you're thinking and feeling so he can plan his homecoming better.

@OldCrocks
I didn't see your post when I wrote mine! All a bit odd with DD!

This was exactly how my dad behaved. Long marriage to my mum, worked hard, long hours, felt stressed, needed a break, was annoyed with everyone questioning his plans and wanting to know details of his holiday, "why can't I just have a break by myself, I need space". Everyone thought he was having a mental health crisis. He wasn't, he had another woman all along.
Sorry OP, I don't see how you can salvage this. Kick him out. You deserve so much better than this!

That thought had crossed my mind. I will hopefully find out very soon how much truth I’m being told

He’s wasting his time if he’s playing that game because I’m giving nothing away. I’ve been played for a fool for too long. I can see that now.

Classic triangulation, get DD to gather and pass on info to avoid having to explain yourself or a difficult conversation or apologise for being a twat. The only way you can deal with triangulation is to refuse to take part in it. Give nothing away and tell DD you will only accept it from him not her and stop her telling you anything he wants you to know via her.

For all those suggesting OW, and I don't know either way but I'd expect fairly obvious extra preening at home and radio silence to everyone while he was off with OW, that was my experience of having extra people in my relationships.

Well, I really must get some sleep. I’ve got work to do tomorrow and a car to search 😳
thank you all so much for your support. Even the dubious posters not sure what’s going on and thinking this is some crazy arsed shit haha, that’s ok, because I don’t know what’s going on either and i still appreciate you 💕

Just read both threads.
How awful for you OP. The lack of closure must be hard to deal with.
Please don't feel you have to out yourself or explain his exact location and other things, share what you're comfortable with, lots treat threads as a soap opera.

You sound so strong and composed now @JustMissNobody. I hope you go on to have a fulfilled and happier life without him.
I'm not really buying the MH crisis thing... It seems too planned with the passport being obtained a year ago. I wonder whether he's been 'talking' to someone on line who lives in France- he could be being scammed by someone promising love etc who is in need of 'help' and his cash.
Rushing off on holiday in the way he did, seems so drama filled.

Send him a picture of the spare key with a thumbs up emoji. Bet there’ll be some frantic phone calls 😂

Glad you’ve seen a solicitor and getting stuff in order. Unless he is prepared to make changes in how he treats you, including finances, you need to consider if you have a future together. Continue to be strong and proactive.

Do you know how he's travelling home ? Maybe you could find out but don't make too much of it and wait there in the wings to see if he travels home with someone.

Stay strong OP.

Even if there is no OW and never has been, remember - he has treated you like shit in a variety of ways for a LONG time now. This isn't the first thing and given his history, it will not be the last.

Do not weaken!

IF there is some financial crisis or MH crisis... the thing he SHOULD have done was speak to you and take sensible steps to sort it out, not bottle it up then run away, all the while treating you like a fucking mushroom.

He has made a long series of choices, all of which involved behaving appallingly to you.

F

I think he’s likely not to say a single word once home. No answers.

Even in the event he went on his own (unlikely) his behaviour is abusive and designed to have maximum negative impact on you OP.

I would never forgive my DH for any of this and the messages from the DD make it clear this is not a MH crisis.

OP I know it doesn't seem like it now but I'm really admiring your strength!

I actually think that when your husband gets back you shouldn't be there. Book your own break somewhere and let him bloody stew.

Look after yourself @JustMissNobody! You've sacrificed enough for people that don't fully appreciate you!