To be suspicious of DH .. CONT..

[JustMissNobody]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, hints and tips. I’ve read them all and made notes. I’m doing ok at the moment, a bit anxious about solicitors app shortly. Had loads of work to catch up today, my heads been a bit foggy and not been able to focus fully.
managed to actually get a good nights sleep last night. Got in bed with a glass of wine and started reading your replies and just woke up this morning with my phone next to me. I don’t know what I’ve been running on but whatever it was must have run out last night!
To answer a few ppl we have 3 DD. 1 completely on dads side, 1 on the fence but thinks I’m acting a bit crazy and need to wait till dh is home to talk and if there is OW then agrees its over, 1 totally thinks he’s been an absolute arsehole and his actions are completely indefensible.
I’ve made a list of questions as suggested here and got all my paperwork together.
ive also found out that his family have been concerned about changes in his character for a while and suspicious of his behaviour and been asking him if he’s ok but he’s just been snappy with them and been avoiding them.
so maybe MH related or aware that his actions will disappoint his family breaking up a marriage of all these years for OW?

Exactly this!
He previously said to one of daughters "it's lovely when she (op) is not here". It's so nasty! He's constantly humiliating her.

Stay strong OP. Hope you’ve managed to sleep.

Completely agree with the idea that you shouldn’t be there when he gets back - I think you said you were going on a spa day? I also agree with a PP that said this has been done by him knowing how negatively it will impact you and that’s just not how anyone should treat anyone, never mind treating your other half - life is too short. Even if there is an OW, this type of action still reflects a troubled mind. But him aside, you’re doing all the right things OP.

when he does get back, try to keep as calm and unemotional as you can too - don’t give him any satisfaction to see how much distress he has caused xxx

@JustMissNobody im so sorry your going through this. But Im not going to say it isn’t OW. I have been having issues with my partner (sort of partner…it’s complicated now) anyway I noticed you mentioned he had a gambling problem years ago, so did mine. We split last year and have been trying to make things work, but everything got on top of him the other week and he just takes himself off (does tell me and does keep in contact) it’s his way of dealing with his MH issues. Not saying it’s right at all as your the one dealing with it and I think MH can sometimes make you a bit more selfish (well at least in my experience) I might be being a complete mug though who knows 🤷‍♀️

💐

Something odd about all this

Gambling.
There is no other woman.
There is nothing in the car.
There is nothing in the bank account.
There is no pension.
There is no money anywhere.
He's frittered it all away, in the hope of a "big win" that will put it all right again.
His snappiness and general behaviour is his shame of getting back into this position again.
DD is completely unaware I'm sure and thinks that because it's not an OW, it's ok and that you're at fault for being worried.
You will have to decide whether to cut your losses and leave with what you have or help him (again) to sort it out.
Good luck OP. I know which I would do.

I did wonder if it was a financial crisis.

Possibly he’s hoping to worry you so much by going away, that when he’s back you are so relieved it’s not an OW, that you are fine with the atrocious gambling debts.

Hi OP,
Sorry you are having to deal with this horrible situation, but maybe it's good in a way, as you can now see more clearly what a nasty, abusive person he is.

I really think that the reason for his trip away doesn't really matter and you should just get rid of him. Whether it's an OW, gambling or MH, he has been treating you appallingly for years and HE WILL NOT CHANGE!

Just start the divorce process - your life will improve immeasurably without him.

Good luck to you!

Anyone else loving how strong the OP is during all this? I think she's brilliant

Your phone tells you if an air tag is tracking you. I’m sure there are other types that don’t though

Yes me! Acting with dignity despite being pretty traumatised. OP knowledge is power. I understand your need to be calm and motivated, but do check the car while you can. Do all your research. He has been so deeply disrespectful to you, affording you no explanation is bullying and your DD is complicit. Ignoring someone is cruel - at school we treat that as bullying! Hold your head high and keep moving forward, you will find yourself in all this and will come out better than you've been for years. Go girl 👍

I do think you need to prepare yourself that you may not get answers. He may tell you nothing. Why? Because it gives him power over you. It means you are feeling negative emotions. Because he is an abusive twunt. When he comes home, I'd be sitting him down and telling him that you've been to a solicitor whilst he was away and he has got two choices, 1. He pays half of living costs (rent, food, bills etc) 2. He tells you what the fuck is going on in his brain to put you througha week of hell. And if he can't do these things, I'd start the divorce Monday anyway.

You need to consider the damage this will have on the children. My mum put up with a lot of shit from my dad (nothing physical, but her bar is still far too low and she let's him get his way to avoid a fall out). It meant all 5 children have been unsuccessful in having a relationship. I ended up in a physically abusive marriage, my brother ended up in prison because of how he thought he had the right to treat women, my two other brothers have never had a girlfriend because of how they view women and my sister won't date because of how she thinks men act. Please do not underestimate the damage that your own marriage can have on your own family.

It’s surely impossible to run any sort of business without any trace of any paperwork whatsoever.
He either isn’t working at all or is avoiding paying tax on his profits which is why he minimises paperwork.

OP, I’m glad you have consulted a kind and patient solicitor because it seems to me that you have a tendency to bury your head in the sand. You must have missed or ignored many warning signs all these years for the sake of a calm life. I know that’s easy to do especially with the stresses of building your own successful career on top of running the household with three children. Thank goodness you have kept some sort of financial independence.

I'm so sorry to say that i have to agree with you. In almost every way, you don’t really have any sort of marriage left if your husband feels it’s normal to act in this way. There is no respect from him towards you at all. And it’s very hurtful and shocking to wake up to the fact that he has used you.

My guess is that there is no other woman as he sounds far too mean with his money, but that he is most probably stashing away his profits to avoid sharing it with you or the tax man.
His secret OW is his money.

His disdainful action in walking out of the door without telling where he was going or why, signalled the end of the marriage for you both.
Do everything you can not to let him back in to your home and life without full disclosure. He has used you and taken advantage.

I’m really sorry OP and wish you nothing but the best.

I've just read both threads. Shocking that he thinks he can just check out like this. You're handling it very well OP.

Exactly this!
I do tend to think it's gambling as well and there won't be any money anywhere , likely debts. I think if it was OW he wouldn't just have left like that, he would try to hide it or pick up a fight that would be "your fault" and the leave to see her.
BUT the point is it doesn't matter. This was a horrible thing to do and I think you're doing great under the circumstances!

I am still bewildered at the fact you are just supposed to have accepted this and they are 'accusing' you of ruining his break - wtf? Been talking to my hubby about this and he is also baffled why your H wouldn't discuss it like an actual grown up. More so if there's nothing going on at all. But the whole scenario is odd and whilst I can completely understand someone needing some time away alone (as can you, as you have already said) all the back story and how he's been and his attitude towards holidays etc ....well then it makes no sense unless something else, whatever that is, is going on.

I hope you're ok OP

I’m supporting you and wishing all the best.
My H is also secretive. I never know what’s around the corner.
A few years ago, he got himself a Passport, with not a word. Booked and paid for a golf trip to Thailand. Only told me 2 days before leaving.
i have now heard via a friend, that’s he’s booked and paid for another trip to Thailand in October.
It’s not as though I would say no to a trip. It’s the secrecy that gets to me.
You are being very calm.

OP - if you do end up getting into the car, still check the sat nav? Although he goes all over the place, there may be certain locations he visits repeatedly.
For What it's worth I think you're handling this well. regardless of OW or not, you deserve better treatment.

Absolutely this. Only post if it’s helpful to you.

I don't know why your DD who is living at home with you, feels the need to tell you that you're ruining his holiday/that he's worried there will be an argument when he's home as the issue is between you and him. Your marriage is nothing to do with her so she needs to keep her beak out. She's probably telling him what you're doing so don't give anything away i.e. search the car/gather up paperwork when she's out.

As for him being worried there'll be an argument when he returns? Well he needs to bloody well grow up. No, you can't just fuck off on a break on your own without an explanation and expect everything to be fine when you return. Why he's done it, fuck knows but at this moment in time, due to him showing his utter contempt and disrespect towards you (doubling down on that by keeping in contact with the DD and not you) I wouldn't give 2 hoots why he's done it. I'd be seeing the solicitor on Monday to petition for a divorce no matter what. How dare he treat you like a piece of shit on his shoe.

and boo-fucking-hoo that you might be ruining his break because he's worried about coming home. He needs to be bloody worried. Dickhead.

So sorry this is happening OP.

Just to add to someone on the last thread, if taking photos of things in his car for your solicitor, just be careful they don't back up to cloud storage or if they do be sure to go on and remove them.

Stay strong.

This is exactly my thoughts too.

I’m sorry to be the one to say it, but you do know what men go to do on holiday in Thailand? It’s not known for its world class golfing.

Something odd about all this

@BabyEl you have read over 50 pages of comments and this is all you got from it?